Some Nights.

Friday 12 April

Last night was Pretty Rough, and so I went to bed without even thinking about the blog, and I'm sorry for that.

Yesterday began, as usual, tardily, and I woke up in no state to go to class because I was exhausted, but I dragged my ass over to Duane (and ended up there early, which is nothing short of miraculous). Physics was productive—we're learning about pendulum motion, which is always fun when paired with last-minute politics pieces on the Peloponnesian War. Obviously. After that I walked up the damn hill to my Western Political Thought recitation, and that was okay. I missed a lot in Pericles' funeral oration, but whatever. It's honestly really interesting how we frame the dead after they're dead, and Pericles does a nice job of keeping them human for us. Then I had chemistry, and YAY KINETICS. We did the Briggs Rauscher Reaction and that was TOTALLY AWESOME, albeit a bit trippy haha.

After that, Sam, Steph, and I grabbed lunch and then headed down to Pearl Street for an adventure! Steph tried on dresses at Urban Outfitters for the HRAP Formal coming up, and then Sam and I provided critiques of the dresses, and then we ended up roaming the store, and it was Amazing. I'd never been in and I had a grand time looking at books like I Could Pee On This and Other Poems By Cats which is awesome and I want it. It's a lovely experience.

Then we went to Free People, which is super nice but too expensive for someone who gets everything they own from Target. We also went to the Rocky Mountain Chocolate Factory and bought caramel apples (Steph got Apple Pie, Sam got Cookies and Cream, and I got Tiger Butter, which were amazing) and ate those. Sam and Steph also got tacos from one of the food stands. Then we went to Target and bought some birthday supplies for this weekend, and then we came back to campus.

I went back to Kitt after that and then passed out. I slept through dinner, I was so tired. So then I woke up at about 7:30 and decided to have some Wheat Thins and watch some TED Talks on my Friday night, because I am obviously the coolest college freshman you will ever meet.

Anyway, then Crissie came back from her Sign Language Event and asked to hang out, so I went to Hallett and chilled there for awhile.

We went to Erica's room to get the party started, and then somehow I got roped into going out on an Adventure* with Morgan, Poppy, Erica, Mora, and Jake. And Boy Was That Interesting**.

Yeah. So then I made a couple of Very Bad Decisions** which ended in me having a mental breakdown on the Quad (the usual—questioning my existence and entire life and the expansive futility of our labors), which was just a lot of fun. Then I called Graham and I said, "Do you mind if I come to Brackett and be a mess for awhile?" and he was really kinda freaked out, but he let me in because he's a wonderful human being. So then Evan came up and I had a breakdown and cried and he let me stay in Davis's bed since he wasn't there, and I passed the F*ck out.

So I basically owe Evan and Graham my life. They're the Best and I'm eternally thankful for them (and everyone else) putting up with my sh*t, of which there is a lot.

Anyway. Moral of the story: I probably won't be going out again.

I want to stop feeling so bloody nihilistic about everything, but I can't. Maybe it's a phase. Maybe it's a character flaw. Either way, I'm still just struggling to figure out exactly what the hell is going on in my life nowadays, and it's really hard. Like honestly. People say that things make more sense in college and that you'll figure out what your life is, but that has not been my experience. You think you're going to get some answers, but quite frankly all I see are more questions. It's like a hydra—you cut off one head and then three more pop up.

Then again, I am really glad that, in times like this, I am a scientist. I think in questions, and I'm good at solving them. And maybe it really is just one giant experiment as everything always is—now's just the data-gathering stage of it. And it's the most tedious and oftentimes frustrating part of any lab, but afterwards it's a bit of a relief. And I'm just going to have to learn to be okay with it, and laugh when I can with the people I love and hang onto moments where my life is almost kind of together.

So yeah. I'm absurdly hungry, so I'm going to go off and take care of that.

Thanks for reading and being there and putting up with me. :)

*capital A-Adventures are euphemisms.
**EXTREME EUPHEMISM. LIKE I CAN'T EVEN WHAT.