Almost Getting It Kind of Together

Saturday 27 April

I just am going to preface this by saying that I had a great day yesterday and that everything seems more raw, yet also more real and more beautiful.

Yeah. I woke up in Brackett and was vaguely confused as to why that was the case again, until the events of Friday night hit me like a train. I woke with puffy eyes, a headache, knotted hair, and an overwhelming need to pee.

Anyway. I took care of all that jazz and after Davis and Dani left for breakfast, Evan turned to me and said seriously, "What's going on?"

So I just talked for awhile about how I'm so tired of being tired and I'm sick of a lot of things and yet, I love my majors and I love this place and these people and how I'm worried about people and how this blog is keeping me going. And then I asked him what's up and I just let him talk about everything. We somehow got on the subject of how people are worried about us especially, and I've been starting to think that it's because people are finally seeing the cracks in that image of perfection we have cultivated over these years. And I'm seriously so happy to get to sit down and talk about how we feel like frauds and how we're actually so goddamn breakable after all we've been through. We then made this pact that we can lie to everyone else, but we'll be honest with each other. And I think we both need that. We need people to hang onto in this shitstorm.

So yeah. It was a good talk. Then Davis and Dani came back and they played the "Walk of Shame" song by Jimmy Fallon for Dani and I since we seem to do that a lot. So then we just watched Jimmy Fallon and I seriously want to be his best friend. He seems like a really cool dude that you could like kick back with and have a couple of beers and sit and talk and laugh with. It'd be fun.

Yeah. So then I went to breakfast with Evan and Noah and that was wonderful. I also must request that the C4C put a bin of ONLY PINEAPPLE out, because the honeydew and the cantaloupe are usually really sketchy and basically just shitty. Also, you just need better fruit. I can count on one hand the number of times I've eaten an apple and actually felt good about it. So yeah. Get on that, Housing and Dining Services.

Then I went back to Kitt and showered and that was wonderful, and then I ended up going with my best friend Crissie to McDonald's because we both REALLY needed something fatty, fried, and greasy. Those fries may or may not have been the greatest thing I've ever tasted. We swapped stories of our nights and mornings post-breakdowns, and she said that Johnny was experiencing some existential angst too, and I think that it is downright awful that all of these bright young individuals I hang out are so goddamn disappointed about what the fruits of life are bearing. I don't know why we feel this way. I don't know if it is the culture up here or if it is the modern life dilemma or if it means that the American Dream dies with us, because our future looks so bleak and the present isn't giving us anything to reconcile with.

I also really like the fact that Crissie and Johnny are together. They both seem so much better because of each other and I am real proud that she picked such a quality guy that really cares about her, because I care about that girl more than I can possibly say.

So then we got onto Farrand Field and soaked up the sun with Poppy, Morgan, Mora, and Dan, and that was pretty fun. It got cold, though, so we went to Hallett and I took a nap, and then I got a pizza from Weather Tech and it was SO FREAKING AWESOME. And yeah, I ate a whole pizza to myself. Every pizza is a personal pizza if you try hard and believe in yourself. And I do both of those things.

So yeah. Then I went back to Smith and fucking watched Captain America, because that is the only thing I've really wanted to do this whole fucking week. I love Cap. And even though I think Tony Stark is a total badass, Cap has more heart, and I think that's why he's my favorite. Okay. I'm nerd-rambling again.

After that, Connor texted me and invited me over to Brackett, so naturally, I called up Crissie and said, "We're going to Brackett, grab your shit and let's go!" So that ended up happening, and we sat in Connor's room for awhile, and talked with people in there. I saw Sierra and she seemed like she was having a better night and that was good for her because I was concerned for her. So then we talked in the hallway about the better aspects of last night and the Hallett clan and that was fun.

At one point I discovered we were over there to celebrate Ramadonna*, and so THAT made a lot more sense. Finally Donna arrived and we got the ACTUAL party started. Evan made speeches and we talked and shared stories about life like we do. I ended up becoming Anna's Smith Friend, and talked more with Donna, and with Graham and Evan and Connor and Anthony (about existentialism—yeah, we're fucking cool) and Flock and Christine about Leopard Dreams**. I called Josh at one point and he's coming back on the 9th from Arizona, and I'm so happy because I miss that kid more than possibly anyone. We also called Zach, who's ALSO coming back the ninth, and I'm also so excited to see him again, because we usually have a Pretty Great Time together.

So THEN Graham, Connor, Donna, Joe, Evan, Sierra and I got to go to fucking Denny's and I was SO HAPPY because shitty breakfast food on a Saturday night is all I want from life. Like really. The walk was a little treacherous because Evan kept threatening to wander off and then everyone else was just really scattered and random, and that was pretty interesting. But we got there and we talked more and Donna fit a whole goddamn pancake in her mouth which was nothing short of amazing. We walked back to Smith and ended up in a penguin huddle in the middle of the sidewalk at one point, and it was wonderful. I got back inside and passed out.

At one point last night, everyone else around me was in a conversation with someone else, and I was just sitting there listening to everyone talk, and it was wonderful. I love to listen. I'm a bit of a wallflower, but there are some perks to it, you know? Last night I just sat around and stared at all of the people there that I have come to care deeply about and have experienced so much with that I never could have done on my own. They all just talked and laughed and seemed alive and happy for one close to perfect moment. And I don't know. Somehow it makes all the hell bearable. These almost perfect moments where you really can just sit and be. 

I am completely unsure of anything anymore. I don't know why all of us are so sad, and I don't know why we all have this severe existential angst, and I don't know why we make the decisions we do, and I don't know why we keep believing in this idea of the American Dream when none of us want to, and I don't know why opening yourself up to the world's beauty and joy might only hurt you in the end, and I don't know who or what I am most days. These are the questions I've faced for the last year, and they have been crippling.

But then comes a day like today—when everything is raw and beautiful and the color of the sky just draws you up with its depth and you know your sad stories are intimately connected with your happy stories and you tilt your face up to the sun and feel the earth strong beneath your feet and it's just good and pure and real. That's all I've been looking for in these times.

So I just want to let you know that I'm okay. It's not perfect, but it never is. I'm alive and I'm learning how to be human. I'm learning that breaking is okay, and that I can pick myself up when I need to. I'm almost getting it kind of together.

Okay. I'm sorry this was so fucking long. I just really needed to sit and understand this, because writing is and always has been the best way for me to process this batshit crazy ride we call life.

Thanks for reading :)

*my friends are awesome. Fake holidays rock.
**euphemism