Returning Is a Weird Thing.

Sunday 14 April

Well. Today was a little disappointing at first, because we WERE going to go to Closing Day at Vail (read: best f*cking day of ski season EVER*), but then there was a blizzard on Vail Pass and we couldn't get there, so my mom let us sleep. But then it got better slowly, so it's like a half of a parabola. Yeah math!

I woke up this morning and had a pastry from Das Meyer and HASH BROWNS WHICH I HAVEN'T HAD IN LIKE A MONTH AND I WAS STOKED**.

So yeah. Then I got ready for the day and we went to Costco.

Now let me explain: I like the services Costco provides. I just ABSOLUTELY FREAKING DEPLORE COSTCO. It is such a stressful experience walking around in there trying to get from point A to point B when literally ALL OF ARVADA is walking around like a bunch of constipated camels and just existing, and it is infuriating. I am sorry. But honestly, GET YOUR SH*T AND GET OUT.

So yeah. That's my life.

Then my mom made me a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, and that was basically the greatest thing ever, and I miss it so much. That's all.

After that, my mother and I decided to go on a hike, and that was basically the greatest decision I could have made this entire weekend.

We hiked the Mount Sanitas Trail/Valley Loop, just off Pearl Street, and it was absolutely perfect. I just want to hike the rest of the week and the rest of my life, because basically it's the only time my life makes any sense at all.

My mom and I have done this trail before, and this time it seemed different. And I guess it just reminded me of this quote by Maureen Johnson from a lovely book I read last summer called The Last Little Blue Envelope that goes: "Returning was a weird thing. You can never visit the same place twice. Each time, it’s a different story. By the very act of coming back, you wipe out what came before."

And I guess it's true. It's never going to be the same. I went back to RV three times in the last year—two were for theatrical productions—and it just feels weird. Going home sucks because everything is so different—the power dynamics have shifted and I don't know how to get back into them. Hiking the same trail feels like a completely new experience. Especially lately, I've been noticing that.

I guess it's hard to wrap my head around. People say I've changed over the last year (the majority say it's for the better). But somehow I feel like the same person I was before. And maybe that means the fundamental pieces that made up my universe have changed, or something. I don't know how this begins to work.  It's either you, or the place, consistently evolving and growing and changing and moving on.

So what does that mean? Do you just keep leaving places, moving on, leaving people, living your life never looking back? I certainly hope not. I'm a history nerd—the past means an enormous (some say ridiculous) amount to me and I can't imagine it not existing or not mattering to anyone or anything. That would actually, literally break my heart. So we just keep reconstructing our pasts and revisiting moments and they are never going to be the same. What does that say about us as people? Is everything we do simply a construction of our re-imaginations?

I'm blowing my own mind right now with the implications of this—like I am actually having an epistemological crisis right here sitting on Crissie's futon in Hallett. Time to reevaluate. Because f*ck homework anyway.

Okay. So maybe it's not just re-imagining our pasts. Maybe it's looking back on life from where you are now. To use another hiking metaphor, the view is always much different from the top than it is from the middle of it. Maybe that's what it is. Maybe it's just understanding in a different way. We can't just keep leaving places. We would never survive as a species if we did that. The reason we survive is because we adapt, and we keep understanding and we keep learning and we keep going. No matter what.

Okay. Crisis resolved.

Anyway. Then I went back to Boulder and ate dinner with Crissie and we discussed life as we tend to do, and I'm just incredibly thankful for her, because I would be more of a mess than I already am.

After that I watched Perks of Being a Wallflower with her, after discussing the sh*tstorm that is my life and figuring out a cool new trick on the trackpad of my laptop. F*CK YEAH!

Anyway, now I'm here and this is my life and I am trying to just go on, because that's what I need to do right now.

So yeah. I will see you tomorrow, and I hope if you have exams that you do well, and if you have crises you have people to talk to, and that if you feel lonely or alone you realize that you are not a lost cause. Okay. Thank you.

Also, HAPPY BIRTHDAY LEONARD EULER!

Thanks for reading :)

*mostly because this is where I started my Rockstar Habit**
**euphemism, because this is an addiction.