Mountains Beyond Mountains

Friday 26 April

Apparently, mental breakdowns are the norm lately and sleep is too important for me to miss a minute of it. Yup. This is my life. And I'm still learning and trying to figure it all out.

So I woke up yesterday and was profoundly not ready to take on the day, but I made it to physics nevertheless. I haven't missed a single one of my classes this semester, and I think that's kind of batshit crazy, but that's me.

So yeah. Physics was fun, and I love waves and science and it's just generally fascinating. Joe and Connor also didn't make it to physics and I was quite sad since I would have greatly appreciated the company. Then came Western Political Thought Recitation and Seth rambled on about Tocqueville and it was nice to just listen to people get excited about politics. It means a lot. After that came chemistry and I was SUPER tired during that, but it was interesting nevertheless since Dr. Vaida talked about her field of atmospheric chemistry and it was awesome.

Then I grabbed lunch with Steph and Sam, and then we decided to continue our tradition of taking a trip to Target on a Friday afternoon and that was fun, and I spent ONLY $4.27 on an Avengers tumbler, Angry Birds fruit pops, and shaving cream, which I think might be some kind of record.

Yeah. Then we came back to campus and grabbed Courtney and went on a quest for the cookies I left in Crissie's dorm from Thursday. So then we got those and I saw the engineers on the quad and they basically obliterated the cookies. Then I hung out with Steph, Sam, and Courtney in Sam's room where we picked out her going-out-outfit and chilled and listened to One Direction and talked about life.

THEN I went back to Kitt and dropped some stuff off, and then I ended up on Farrand Field with Crissie and Johnny hanging out and talking about life as we know it, and we headed to Chipotle and I got a quesadilla FUCK YEAH. Then I ended up in quite a weird mood because I was so profoundly exhausted, and I sang for days. Then Poppy did Crissie and Morgan's hair to go out and then we danced and Morgan made up a new move (called, tastefully, "The Down-Syndrome Rabbit). After that we headed to Farrand with Erica, where we waited for the go-ahead to go out, even though all I really wanted to do was watch Caddyshack. Like really. I went for moral support or whatever.

But anyway we went to a house party and that was okay. We saw the triple and then something Johnny said made me start laughing and then I couldn't stop, and then one thing led to another and I ended up going through the entire kaleidoscope of human emotions in about twelve seconds flat, and ended up sobbing on the ground, and I could not get my shit together. It looked pathetic.

And so then Crissie called Graham and she and Johnny and I walked to the Safe Zone that is Brackett Hall and Sierra and I had a breakdown together. If you ever really want to get to know people, having a mental breakdown with them is probably the best thing you can do.

And then I watched Caddyshack, and it was wonderful and just what I needed.

Then Connor and I had a heart to heart, and that was nice because the two of us haven't talked about anything that's happened to or between us in a long time and it was great to catch up and just be absolutely honest with someone about the bramble patch that is my life for five minutes.

After that I went into Evan and Davis's room and saw Dani and caught up with her. Then, once again, I ended up sleeping on Evan's futon in the Safe Zone.

So um yeah. This whole year has been extremely taxing. Mentally, physically, emotionally. People don't tell you when you leave for school how truly difficult it is to live and be a functional human being in these times. College is NOT just academia. If it was, I would be so goddamn happy and I could probably lift a car with the sheer strength of my spirit.

More than anything, this year has been a lesson in being a fuller human being. THAT is what you learn in college. You learn how to fly, and you learn how to fall. A lot of the time is learning what falling is like. And then you need to learn how to pick yourself up.

There is a Haitian proverb I know that goes, "Beyond mountains, there are mountains." And yeah. That's pretty depressing.

Because nothing is going to stop. You're still going to be tired and you're still going to want to give up. That's life. That is the goddamn truth. You NEVER stop being tired or sad or filled with existential angst. And it's tragic.

But the important thing is that you keep going. And you keep standing back up and you fight back. Because as much as life can suck, it beats the alternative. That's one of the only things I know for sure. I know for a fact that it's worth it. I don't know what the hell I'm doing. I don't think ANYONE knows what the hell is going on. But we keep going in the hope that there will be more and more moments that make you smile and people that you can hold close and experiences to be had that make all of the pain and the hurt seem like nothing.

There are mountains beyond mountains. But I'm fond of mountaineering. And I guess that's the most we can ask for.

I'm sorry I've been so breakable lately. And I know you're concerned, but just know that I appreciate you more than I can possibly say and that I love being here and alive. Some days are just harder than others, basically, and I know that even though I've been the perfect kid for so long, I'm allowed to be a mess sometimes too.

Alright. More on the subject later.

Thanks for reading :)