Necessary Risks and Broken Brains

Tuesday 23 April

HAPPY UNOFFICIAL SHAKESPEARE DAY! Read a sonnet or whatever.

Anyway. Today was really long, and yet, time hasn't made much sense at all, so yeah. My brain is so broken. On so many levels.

I slept through my four alarms for forty-five minutes this morning, which was kind of okay because I only had a little bit of my Jefferson presentation to finish, so that was ideal.

I speed walked over to Duane in the snow to get my poor bike which was, at this point, frozen to the racks over there, and then I let that defrost during my Norlin class. We mostly watched spoken word, and that was fitting because it was the birth (and death) day of the greatest poet that ever lived! YEAH! ALSO WE GET TO READ SONG OF MYSELF AND I HAVE NEVER BEEN MORE EXCITED IN MY ENTIRE FRIGGIN LIFE.

I'm a fan of Whitman, as you're probably aware. It's the earth child in me or whatever :P

Yeah. So then I got a "connector cord adapter presentation thingy" (direct quote from my brain to the girl at Norlin—I'm sorry you had to deal with me because I'm usually marginally more functional) from the OIT desk, and then I biked across campus in the snow without any gloves on. I walked into Ethics and Paul was like, "Oh we're so happy you can join us, Maggie" and I was like, "HANDS. CAN'T FEEL MY HANDS. HELP."

I defrosted as I heard presentations about Steve Jobs (maker of my computer—what's up) and Douglas Adams (Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy—also lots of wonderful space quotes which I adore), and then it was time for me to present about THOMAS MOTHERFUCKING JEFFERSON.

First of all, MY COMPUTER CONNECTED TO THE PROJECTOR AND I WAS OVERJOYED. I think it went well, but I felt a bit like a crackhead going on about my love of politics and the awesomeness of revolutionary politics, and I think I use the phrase "so that's pretty cool" no less than thirty times. I am a WONDERFUL public speaker *sarcasm hand*. But then, so was Jefferson, so if anyone asks, I'll just be like, "I was emulating the spirit of my subject." Murica.

Yeah. So then I returned the "connector cord adapter presentation thingy" to the library, and then I grabbed a pizza from Farrand and came home. It took me SIXTY THREE SWIPES OF MY CARD to get into my fucking room today, and I was distraught. But whatever. I did my laundry and watched Bates Motel, which is getting intense (and I'm really sad Officer Shelby turned out to be such a dickface—he seemed so genuine at the start and was so attractive and just yeah. Don't trust anyone, kids).

Then I chatted with my brochacho, and then it was time to head to the library with Crissie (third trip of the day! Again), where I did some physics homework, looked at my professors on Rate My Professor, did FCQ's, and looked at my financial aid award (and there is a significant amount of dinero associated with it. Being poor pays!). Yeah. Then I went to Hallett and hung out before everyone went to their floor meeting, and then Johnny and I walked back to Kitt like the pseudo-outcasts we are from that society, and I folded some of the dry laundry.

Then I went to MY floor meeting, where we learned about moving out procedures. My RA likes us, too, so we got ice cream and it was wonderful. Because America.

Then I went BACK to Hallett to do TUTORIAL TUESDAY FUCK YEAH with Graham, Sierra, and Binder, where we mostly just got distracted or whatever, and decided not to do the written portion because our grades are good enough or something. So yeah.

I ended up on the futon discussing weekend Plans with Crissie, and that was cool because my best friend is the person I worry the least about lately because she kind of has it almost together.

But honestly, I just WORRY about my friends and my family sometimes. I worry about their substance problems, and I worry about their grades, and I worry about their stresses, and I worry about their depressions, and I worry about their family problems, and I worry about their health, and I worry about them falling from grace, and I worry about the distances between us, and I worry about them trying to hold it together when all they want to do is break, and I worry about their brains, and I worry about their hearts because they are still so breakable after all this time and all this bullshit we put up with. I worry a lot, honestly. For the first time in my life, I feel completely at home with these people. I feel like I am finally standing on solid ground instead of falling perpetually into something or another, or just drifting around like the feather from Forrest Gump. And I care a lot about everyone in my life. Like I always say, it has been a gift to have people in my life that I can laugh and cry and live with.

And when they start to unravel a little more than is manageable, it worries me.

I guess this is the risk we all take in human interaction. You open up to people, and you start to care about them, and you begin to worry and you begin to let the world in. And there is a chance that they will hurt you because you've opened yourself up to their suffering. You've opened yourself up for pain and hurt, just because you care a little too much. And it's unfortunate sometimes, but these interactions are so necessary for our survival that we cannot go on without them.

So yeah. Caring. A risk, but a necessary one.

Um yeah. Maybe sleep will help to fix the shattered pieces of my brain, so I'll try that and let you all know about that. Okay.

Thanks for reading and for your continued support. It means a lot to know I'm not just shouting at a metaphysical wall or whatever. I just want to let you know that I love you guys and I care a lot. Okay. Sleep. :)