Thursday 11 April
WHY AM I STILL DOING THIS I'M FAILING MISERABLY.
Anyway. Yesterday I came home and really wanted to go to bed, so I did that.
It started off as usual—I faced a lot of existential angst as I rolled out of bed for my damn 8AM physics recitation and then suffered through that. And I REALLY need to get my poop in a group for that class, basically. I'm really stressing. Like a lot.
After that I headed to my Norlin class, and we chatted about Fun Home by Alison Bechdel. If you're into graphic novels/basically good reads, this is the book for you. I really enjoyed it. Her family's dysfunction made mine almost seem functioning, and that's always refreshing to know you aren't the only person whose life is so very topsy turvy. I'm not going to lie.
We also talked about our final project, and I have no idea what I'm going to do in the slightest.
Story of my life.
Anyway. Then ethics was cancelled, so I stayed in the library, started politics, did some ethics, wrote Wednesday's blog, and read some more for politics. So that was fun and productive.
I grabbed Farrand on my way home to Kitt, and then I caught up on Bates Motel on A&E, and if you like the Hitchcock classic/good television, this is the show for you. Like really. It's awesome and creepy in the best way, and super f*cked up, but it's quite fascinating and I'd recommend it.
After that, I did chemistry homework with Sam in like two hours (which was awesome because that was a LOT of kinetics), and then I ended up at C4C for dinner with Crissie, and then we went back to her room, where Johnny and I discussed Western Political Thought and wrote some papers.
We talked with everyone else that were going on adventures for Thirsty Thursday (it's practically the weekend, yeah?), and then we ended up watching the Adventurous Adventures of One Direction, which was leaps and bounds funnier than it should have been, especially when the exhaustion* train ran us both the f*ck over. Like, this was the most profound wave of exhaustion* that ever hit me.
And so then we laughed for hours because that happens, and then I stared at a wall while listening to some Indie Rock because I was tired*.
Anyway I left at about 12:30 because of that and then ended up having an EXTREMELY mindful walk back home, where I got into bed and then passed out.
So yeah. I'm at the point where I am so tired I don't want to do anything but sleep. Honestly. Like it's insane. I know I should care more at this point, but I don't. It gets this way every year. Like I should give more f*cks but I'm all out, honestly.
Yeah. And I have no idea what the single story of me is for my Norlin project, or which single story of the tangled skein of my life that I should even begin to try and unravel. I don't know if I'm ready to step into this modern life and like have a career and go to school forever and be a productive citizen and pay bills and try to not end up in a cubicle when that's likely where I'm headed or anything. I don't know if I just want to give up and not care for awhile about all this trivial crap—grades, school, marriage, extracurriculars, jobs, everything. I just want to sit back for awhile and watch the world go by, you know? I just want to stop running all the time from place to place and just sit and be. Not worry or marvel. Just be. And I want to be apathetic about the whole thing and truly not give a f*ck, but, as David Leviathan says, "There is a certain degree of giving a f*ck that goes into not giving a f*ck. By saying you don't care if the world falls apart, in some small way you're saying you want it to stay together, on your terms." Which is exactly my problem. I care far too much to truly not care. That is the problem of the human condition.
And the mindfulness and meditation helps a little bit with these moments where I just panic about everything, but it's really nice for about three seconds just to sit back and appreciate the bloom of the present moment. There is so much beauty and serendipity in this life, and I can't stand that so many people can't see that and waste their lives. That's my problem with modern life.
I'm going to take a nap before tonight. Thanks for reading :)
*euphemism.
No comments:
Post a Comment