On Being a Writer

Tuesday 30 April

So today's been interesting to say the least. That's my whole life at this point, honestly. Interesting. I'm still learning and I'm still trying to figure this all out.

I had my Norlin class this morning and watched my colleagues present. Their stories were so profound and wonderful and I'm so proud to have been in class with them. I am going to be honestly so sad when that class ends. Then came Ethics, where we talked about the projects and the ethics behind the Boston event, and it was interesting. I wanted to add some about how the US isn't entirely innocent—if people get too individualized, as Tocqueville says, we leave too much to the government, sinking into apathy and a benevolent despotism which can wage its wars where it wants and perpetuate the existing discourse on the subject or something. As you can see, my brain is not functional right now in the slightest.

Anyway. Then I ate lunch, did laundry, and watched Bates Motel, which was good I suppose.

Then I worked on my Norlin project, which I've basically been doing since 3 PM.

The topic is for us to choose a single story and either expose or defy it as the single story of you. I chose prose because I really fucking despise writing poetry and I'm terrible at rhymes. And I feel like sometimes my voice is lyrical enough to get my point across, so that's why I write prose.

So I guess, since I promised it and it embodies the spirit of this April and of this year, here it is: (you can skip to the end of this blog too if you don't want to real my drivel)

Almost Getting it Kind of Together 

On the last day of my senior year of high school, I went and talked to my favorite teacher, and after a pleasant conversation, he stared at me and said, “You are one of the finest students and individuals I’ve ever had the pleasure to teach. You’ll do great things. I know you’re lost, but you’re a smart kid and you’ll figure it out.”

I smiled, thanked him, and hoped he was right.

I honestly love school. It’s been one of the greatest sources of joy in my life. It’s never been just a series of tasks to be completed—I’m a nerd, and it’s been my vessel to pursue the mysteries of the universe boldly without fear.

Coming to CU to study both chemistry and political science as a Norlin scholar where this is celebrated was probably the best decision I’ve made in the last year. I am so glad I’m a double major in these two opposing subjects. Going to chemistry to do a lab and working through the scientific process just fascinates me, and going to politics class both infuriates and enthralls me as I try to figure out what is happening in this crazy world. I get so excited about these things that I can’t even articulate it sometimes—it suffices just to say that I freaking love what I’m able to do up here.

This has been my single story for so long—I’m a nerd and I flourish whenever academia is involved. I’ve been happy and excited in these various institutions because what I love isn’t outside getting drunk or socializing—it’s discovering more new things about the multitudinous world we live in, be it through art or science or reading or just listening.

This part of me, the rational, logical, controlled, valedictorian, Norlin Scholar, fives-on-half-her-AP-exams, involved, perfected model of society, defined me for so long, and continues to do so. I grew up a little bit angry at this, because sometimes I felt like a complete disaster and needed to be a sad and angry and angsty teenager instead of always so cool. But I conformed. I hate confrontation, so that’s what I do. I convinced myself that those feelings couldn’t possibly be that big of a deal. I detached myself from my emotions, because almost everything can be solved by an intellectual challenge. You can control any data set, or economic outcome, so long as you set the parameters correctly and account for systematic errors.

This year I’m learning a lot in college about coordination complexes splitting the electrons of their nuclei, and why Thatcherism worked so well in the United Kingdom, and I honestly couldn’t be happier about that. You would think that because I am a nerd I would have a handle on this whole “life” thing in a university dedicated to the very pursuit I admire most.

But quite frankly, if I have learned one thing in the last year, it’s that I have no idea what the hell is going on.

This entire year has been more of journey than just my intellectual one. This has been an emotional ride. It’s safe to say I have experienced the full kaleidoscope of human emotions this year, and it’s been both terrifying and gratifying. It has been an education in what it means to be a person.

Throughout the last year I have been discovering that I am profoundly angry about the dilemma that modern life puts us in. It’s intensely dissatisfying. Living has become a dull routine of existence, and I’m so over it. I’ve had too much time to myself to think this over, to become bitter and jaded about the state of the world and the path I’m being forced to take—that of a functional, well-adjusted adult with a career and a family. I don’t think I’m able to do that. I just want to experience something pure and real in this life, and modernity doesn’t seem like it presents many options, amongst the all-consuming dysfunction and superficiality I’ve seen our lives descending into.

Sometimes I sit there, be it in class when I’m having a particularly bad day, or when I’m eating lunch by myself and my mind starts to wander, or when I’m sitting in the library without the motivation to keep going on, and I just feel like screaming. I just want to howl at the world, to have someone see the desperation and the fury lurking underneath this cool and collected exterior.

Quite frankly, I’ve talked to too many highly intelligent people that are just as disillusioned, sinking into a stagnating pool of apathy. I feel like we are a new Lost Generation, morally bankrupt and continually following the ideals of a world we don’t want to live in. And sometimes I wonder, if this is so prevalent, then why can’t we do anything to change it? Is there no alternative?

People always told me everything would make sense in college, when I was older, when life had happened to me, when I got out of my head and started to experience the world. But that has not been my experience. I thought I was finally going to get some answers, but every time I seem like I’m finally on the brink of even a simple answer, something comes along and presents even more questions. They present themselves as my own personal White Whale, perpetually usurping any sense of certainty I think I’m approaching.

I am not Ahab. I cannot slay this beast with the sheer force of my will or intelligence or faith. I cannot outsmart or think through this. I am more like Ishmael, who can only watch helplessly as everything crumbles and go along for the chase, because there is nothing else to do.

Sometimes I break. I’ve been on the verge of collapse for a good week now, and sometimes I think if I do break down I will never be able to get it together ever again. I am that angry and sad and disillusioned. I am so ready to turn away and never look back, tramping a perpetual journey, trying to escape this life I’ve been forced into.

And yet...

Yet, sometimes this whole “having feelings” thing isn’t so much of a bad thing. For the first time in my life, I am opening up to some truly phenomenal people and to the universe itself, in all its beauty and all its despair. For the first time in my life, I feel completely at home. I feel like I am finally standing on solid ground instead of falling perpetually into something or another, or just drifting around like the feather from Forrest Gump. There is a chance that they will hurt me. They have. The universe has. It’s opening yourself up for pain and hurt, just because you care a little too much. But the good things are so intensely necessary for our survival as a species that we take this risk. You cannot live in your head. You’re a whole person. And yeah, it’s terrifying and intensely difficult, but it’s better than living in ivory towers. The benefits I’ve reaped have been so worth it.

I am completely unsure of anything anymore. I don't know why we all have this severe existential angst, and I don't know why we keep believing in this idea of the American Dream when none of us want to, and I don’t know why I am the way I am, and I don't know why opening yourself up to the world's beauty and joy might only hurt you in the end. These are the questions I've faced for the last year, and they have been crippling.

But then there are some days when everything is raw and beautiful and the color of the sky just draws you up with its depth and you know your sad stories are intimately connected with your happy stories and you tilt your face up to the sun and feel the earth strong beneath your feet and it's just good and pure and real. That's all I've been looking for in these times. There’s always going to be this existential angst and there’s always going to be some dissatisfaction, but these are the days where the whale won’t attack, because for now, it’s out of reach. For a moment, it’s good.

It's not perfect, but it never is. That’s the point. That’s what being human means. It means accepting that not being in control is okay and that your emotions can’t be ignored. It means that your existential angst can be managed with some cathartic talks or by just listening to the world around you brimming with life and meaning. It means that the data might not always fit the curve, but that doesn’t mean you discard it. It means that governments are made by men, for men, and thus can be flawed. It means a deeper understanding of your place in the cosmos.

And I only hope to say that by accepting both of these parts of me, I’m on the road to almost getting it kind of together. And that’s all I need right now.

So, um, yeah. I think I got it but I can never tell.

I am seriously so thrilled with what BEDA's turned out this year. It's been a helluva ride, but it's been worth it. I appreciate everyone who's made an appearance on here, everyone who's been there for me in my darker nights, everyone who's seen me on my bright days and made them even brighter with your presence. Thank you so much for the compliments. I'm happy I'm not just shouting at a brick wall and that you read this wordbarf I insist on putting on the internets year after year.

I'll just tell one more story.

When I was twelve years old, when the world made more sense, I decided that I was going to be a writer. This led to seven books (all of which were horrific), countless short stories, a few angsty musings of a teenager trying to figure out life, and the beginnings of novels that never made it past the first twenty typed pages—all for a combined total of around 40,000 pages (a rough estimate that's honestly pretty accurate). I wanted to write at first for the fame and the fortune that would surely result from such a tiny lass turning out so many pages. I thought I could, at the very least, put myself through college with these revenues.

But over the years, it evolved into something else entirely. It became my best way comprehend the stupid situations I get myself into, the best way for me to understand the world, the best way for me to convey the ideas that make up me and for me to breach the gaps to the universals and connect with the human experience. It's made me a better human being, this writing. It's made me this person that can shout into a void and never stop hoping for an answer back.

I never expect an answer back, but I've heard a lot of feedback this year, from all of my writing, and it's so inspiring for me to keep going. You have no idea how much it means to me. To know that all of these stupid musings from an optimistic cynic mean something to at least a few people in this world. That's all that any literature is trying to get across—a story about what it means to be human.

So I just want to say thank you for putting up with my shit, and for making me a better person, and for helping me through the rough times and making the good times even better. Thank you for giving this hopeless wanderer a place to rest her head. Thank you for telling me that it's going to be okay. I can't tell you how much I love you all. Sometimes, like I said, it feels like my chest is cracking open and I'm filled with everything at once and it's just so fucking beautiful that the bad times don't seem so bad.

And I guess I'm going to always be looking for that.

In other news, I'm really excited for Iron Man on Friday, and I'm excited for this summer, and I'm excited for next year, and for the first time in a long time I'm looking forward to the future with bright and hopeful eyes. So thank you for that.

And I think that's all I have to say about that.

Until next April, thank you for reading :)

One More Day of Busy Nothings

Monday 29 April

I passed out doing this Norlin project, so I'm sorry for that or something.

Yesterday wasn't too bad as far as Mondays go. I woke up and went to physics, and Connor actually made it to class (which was nothing short of miraculous). Then I left early to go grab my lab notebook from Kitt (I know, I'm such a rebel, skipping out of class ten minutes early to get MORE HOMEWORK). Anyway. I was absolutely disgusting in Western Political Thought because of the heat, and I'm really sorry for that. But anyway we learned more about Tocqueville and how he can be applied to the modern era and that was pretty nifty and I even wrote up a lab. Multidisciplinary FTW. Anyway. Then came chemistry and Vaida talked about the Ozone Hole over Antarctica, and the combination of kinetics, gas laws, and policy formation was RIGHT up my alley. I want to do something like that—something fusing the two things I am turning out to love more than anything. I just get so excited when I think about something like that and I can't articulate it and just yeah. That's how I am.

Anyway. I grabbed lunch with Sam and Steph and quite frankly, I am really going to miss our Monday lunches where we all recount our crazy ass weekends to each other and then talk about chemistry. Because they've been really great friends this last year, especially when my life fell to pieces in October and they let me sit at lunch with them and complain about Calc III and quasi-relationship drama and were just there to listen when I needed to talk about the shitshow my life was. So yeah. They rock.

Then Steph and I headed to the LAST LAB OF THE YEAR! We did a reaction with Allura Red and hypochlorite (read: red dye and bleach) and tested concentrations and temperature effects. So that was fun and I'm kind of going to miss it, as tedious as it is. Granted, I'll probably be doing that for the rest of my life, and I'm okay with that.

Yeah. So then I went back to Kitt and changed out of the fucking jeans I had to wear for lab, and then I went and grabbed Crissie. We went to Victoria's Secret to use our Secret Rewards we got back in March, and I got a super cute bandeau top that I'll wear eventually or something. Then we went to Target and I got gum, Rockstar (which are $1 there if you want to look into that haha), and chocolate. I spent $9.47 there and told the cashier this was my second cheapest Target purchase and he just laughed at me. This is my life.

But we got back to campus (after I analyzed Crissie's dreams—I'm a regular Sigmund Freud) and grabbed dinner at the Grab and Go (where we saw Evan and had pictures on our pizza boxes, which were fun) and THEN we went to bake cookies! Hallett's kitchen still has their fucking heater on, which makes no sense to me whatsoever. But whatever. We taught a girl how to make quinoa, and Crissie made bunches of Pink Lemonade cookies as well as Funfetti ones.

After that I did CAPA with Binder, and that was the fastest we've ever done that in our lives (sans three problems which we're doing tonight or something). Then I walked back to Kitt with Crissie, who was going to see Johnny because he got food poisoning (feel better, Johnny!) and kind of worked for awhile before my need for sleep overwhelmed my need to get shit done.

So yeah. It was another day of busy nothings, but I'm just left with this tangible sense that things are ending. And it's weird. I don't know if it's because LAST year was such a drastic ending, but it's meaning more to me this year. I know I'll come back in the fall and have the same friends I've made this year and have some of the same conversations and I get to live with the people I love the most and some things might not change, but it's still just going to be so different. I don't know if that's me just being existential, but these moments are never going to come again, and I'm so sad about that.

Because amongst all of the crap that's happened in April, and all of the crap that I've had to clean up in the last nine months of being a Buff, these human moments have kept me going. Not doing homework. Not going to class. Human moments.

And I think that's the key. Because I've been a nerd my whole life. And you'd think that would make my college career flourish, but it doesn't. You have to be a person, a whole person, with all of the darker emotions and angst and the joy and the hope and the fragility that comes with it. You have to let the world in.

And I know this isn't completely real life, but it's the closest I've been to having life happen to me. This is the first year I've been outside my head and really experiencing the full kaleidoscope of life. You know? Good.

Alright. I have to get my poop in a group to face the day right now, so I'll just see you later today.

As always, thanks for reading :)

I Think I've Finally Found Some Solid Ground.

Sunday 28 April

So yeah. I woke up this morning, wrote a blog, hiked with my mom and Karen, talked with my Hallett friends, and ended back in Smith. Like a boss.

I'm at a loss of what to say today. Most of the important stuff happened yesterday. Yeah.

So I'm just going to say things that are good lately.


I love to hike. It's the fucking best.

I'm glad my mom buys me dinner and I can talk to her about my life and be completely honest with her, because she's put up with a lot of shit from me over the years, even if it is just a messy room or a weekend at a dance competition or late nights from Stage Crew.

I'm happy that my parents are managing together. They worry me sometimes that they won't actually make it through the next storm—profoundly so—but somehow they always make it, and I'm so grateful for that.

I love my best friend Crissie more than anything in the world and I would be infinitely more lost on this planet if it wasn't for her. I like her more than pizza. And I REALLY like pizza.

I'm happy I have a safe zone on campus where I can break down or have fun without any judgments. The fact that the Brackett clan exists is essential to my well being, mental health, and general awesomeness.

Denny's is the greatest. Some of my best memories are coming from that stupid diner.

I fucking love my majors. I'm seriously so happy I've stuck with them chemistry because it's fascinating and I'm glad I'm doing political science even though everyone told me not to, because it's so wonderful.

My brother and sister have been the most important people to me for all the years they have been on the planet, and sometimes I worry about the two of them. But Mason's going to prom and I'm so fucking excited for him and Ellie scored two goals in her soccer game and won the game for her team and I'm so fucking excited for her too.

Nature is so awesome. Literally, it fills me with awe.

I'm so SO excited to see Iron Man 3 this Friday. I can't even tell you.

I'm so stoked for summer where I can sit on my ass and get paid to read quality literature.

People suck sometimes, but there are a few that can make me smile no matter what and they seriously don't even know how hopeful that makes me for the future.

I am so happy I'm in Boulder, because I would have been a mess if I was anywhere else with anyone else. I'm going to be really sad to move on from some of the people I've met this year. Transience kind of sucks.

I'm not sure I want to tramp a perpetual journey anymore. Because for the first time in my life I am starting to believe that I'm standing on solid ground and I'm beginning to put down roots.

I've been breakable lately, but I'm learning how to not completely shatter anymore.


So yeah. These are some good things, and I needed a minute to just sit back and appreciate those. We all do. Because there is so much good and so much beauty, and the only way we're ever going to cope with existential angst and mental breakdowns is if we hold onto these.

I'm going to sleep now.

Thanks for reading :)

Almost Getting It Kind of Together

Saturday 27 April

I just am going to preface this by saying that I had a great day yesterday and that everything seems more raw, yet also more real and more beautiful.

Yeah. I woke up in Brackett and was vaguely confused as to why that was the case again, until the events of Friday night hit me like a train. I woke with puffy eyes, a headache, knotted hair, and an overwhelming need to pee.

Anyway. I took care of all that jazz and after Davis and Dani left for breakfast, Evan turned to me and said seriously, "What's going on?"

So I just talked for awhile about how I'm so tired of being tired and I'm sick of a lot of things and yet, I love my majors and I love this place and these people and how I'm worried about people and how this blog is keeping me going. And then I asked him what's up and I just let him talk about everything. We somehow got on the subject of how people are worried about us especially, and I've been starting to think that it's because people are finally seeing the cracks in that image of perfection we have cultivated over these years. And I'm seriously so happy to get to sit down and talk about how we feel like frauds and how we're actually so goddamn breakable after all we've been through. We then made this pact that we can lie to everyone else, but we'll be honest with each other. And I think we both need that. We need people to hang onto in this shitstorm.

So yeah. It was a good talk. Then Davis and Dani came back and they played the "Walk of Shame" song by Jimmy Fallon for Dani and I since we seem to do that a lot. So then we just watched Jimmy Fallon and I seriously want to be his best friend. He seems like a really cool dude that you could like kick back with and have a couple of beers and sit and talk and laugh with. It'd be fun.

Yeah. So then I went to breakfast with Evan and Noah and that was wonderful. I also must request that the C4C put a bin of ONLY PINEAPPLE out, because the honeydew and the cantaloupe are usually really sketchy and basically just shitty. Also, you just need better fruit. I can count on one hand the number of times I've eaten an apple and actually felt good about it. So yeah. Get on that, Housing and Dining Services.

Then I went back to Kitt and showered and that was wonderful, and then I ended up going with my best friend Crissie to McDonald's because we both REALLY needed something fatty, fried, and greasy. Those fries may or may not have been the greatest thing I've ever tasted. We swapped stories of our nights and mornings post-breakdowns, and she said that Johnny was experiencing some existential angst too, and I think that it is downright awful that all of these bright young individuals I hang out are so goddamn disappointed about what the fruits of life are bearing. I don't know why we feel this way. I don't know if it is the culture up here or if it is the modern life dilemma or if it means that the American Dream dies with us, because our future looks so bleak and the present isn't giving us anything to reconcile with.

I also really like the fact that Crissie and Johnny are together. They both seem so much better because of each other and I am real proud that she picked such a quality guy that really cares about her, because I care about that girl more than I can possibly say.

So then we got onto Farrand Field and soaked up the sun with Poppy, Morgan, Mora, and Dan, and that was pretty fun. It got cold, though, so we went to Hallett and I took a nap, and then I got a pizza from Weather Tech and it was SO FREAKING AWESOME. And yeah, I ate a whole pizza to myself. Every pizza is a personal pizza if you try hard and believe in yourself. And I do both of those things.

So yeah. Then I went back to Smith and fucking watched Captain America, because that is the only thing I've really wanted to do this whole fucking week. I love Cap. And even though I think Tony Stark is a total badass, Cap has more heart, and I think that's why he's my favorite. Okay. I'm nerd-rambling again.

After that, Connor texted me and invited me over to Brackett, so naturally, I called up Crissie and said, "We're going to Brackett, grab your shit and let's go!" So that ended up happening, and we sat in Connor's room for awhile, and talked with people in there. I saw Sierra and she seemed like she was having a better night and that was good for her because I was concerned for her. So then we talked in the hallway about the better aspects of last night and the Hallett clan and that was fun.

At one point I discovered we were over there to celebrate Ramadonna*, and so THAT made a lot more sense. Finally Donna arrived and we got the ACTUAL party started. Evan made speeches and we talked and shared stories about life like we do. I ended up becoming Anna's Smith Friend, and talked more with Donna, and with Graham and Evan and Connor and Anthony (about existentialism—yeah, we're fucking cool) and Flock and Christine about Leopard Dreams**. I called Josh at one point and he's coming back on the 9th from Arizona, and I'm so happy because I miss that kid more than possibly anyone. We also called Zach, who's ALSO coming back the ninth, and I'm also so excited to see him again, because we usually have a Pretty Great Time together.

So THEN Graham, Connor, Donna, Joe, Evan, Sierra and I got to go to fucking Denny's and I was SO HAPPY because shitty breakfast food on a Saturday night is all I want from life. Like really. The walk was a little treacherous because Evan kept threatening to wander off and then everyone else was just really scattered and random, and that was pretty interesting. But we got there and we talked more and Donna fit a whole goddamn pancake in her mouth which was nothing short of amazing. We walked back to Smith and ended up in a penguin huddle in the middle of the sidewalk at one point, and it was wonderful. I got back inside and passed out.

At one point last night, everyone else around me was in a conversation with someone else, and I was just sitting there listening to everyone talk, and it was wonderful. I love to listen. I'm a bit of a wallflower, but there are some perks to it, you know? Last night I just sat around and stared at all of the people there that I have come to care deeply about and have experienced so much with that I never could have done on my own. They all just talked and laughed and seemed alive and happy for one close to perfect moment. And I don't know. Somehow it makes all the hell bearable. These almost perfect moments where you really can just sit and be. 

I am completely unsure of anything anymore. I don't know why all of us are so sad, and I don't know why we all have this severe existential angst, and I don't know why we make the decisions we do, and I don't know why we keep believing in this idea of the American Dream when none of us want to, and I don't know why opening yourself up to the world's beauty and joy might only hurt you in the end, and I don't know who or what I am most days. These are the questions I've faced for the last year, and they have been crippling.

But then comes a day like today—when everything is raw and beautiful and the color of the sky just draws you up with its depth and you know your sad stories are intimately connected with your happy stories and you tilt your face up to the sun and feel the earth strong beneath your feet and it's just good and pure and real. That's all I've been looking for in these times.

So I just want to let you know that I'm okay. It's not perfect, but it never is. I'm alive and I'm learning how to be human. I'm learning that breaking is okay, and that I can pick myself up when I need to. I'm almost getting it kind of together.

Okay. I'm sorry this was so fucking long. I just really needed to sit and understand this, because writing is and always has been the best way for me to process this batshit crazy ride we call life.

Thanks for reading :)

*my friends are awesome. Fake holidays rock.
**euphemism

Mountains Beyond Mountains

Friday 26 April

Apparently, mental breakdowns are the norm lately and sleep is too important for me to miss a minute of it. Yup. This is my life. And I'm still learning and trying to figure it all out.

So I woke up yesterday and was profoundly not ready to take on the day, but I made it to physics nevertheless. I haven't missed a single one of my classes this semester, and I think that's kind of batshit crazy, but that's me.

So yeah. Physics was fun, and I love waves and science and it's just generally fascinating. Joe and Connor also didn't make it to physics and I was quite sad since I would have greatly appreciated the company. Then came Western Political Thought Recitation and Seth rambled on about Tocqueville and it was nice to just listen to people get excited about politics. It means a lot. After that came chemistry and I was SUPER tired during that, but it was interesting nevertheless since Dr. Vaida talked about her field of atmospheric chemistry and it was awesome.

Then I grabbed lunch with Steph and Sam, and then we decided to continue our tradition of taking a trip to Target on a Friday afternoon and that was fun, and I spent ONLY $4.27 on an Avengers tumbler, Angry Birds fruit pops, and shaving cream, which I think might be some kind of record.

Yeah. Then we came back to campus and grabbed Courtney and went on a quest for the cookies I left in Crissie's dorm from Thursday. So then we got those and I saw the engineers on the quad and they basically obliterated the cookies. Then I hung out with Steph, Sam, and Courtney in Sam's room where we picked out her going-out-outfit and chilled and listened to One Direction and talked about life.

THEN I went back to Kitt and dropped some stuff off, and then I ended up on Farrand Field with Crissie and Johnny hanging out and talking about life as we know it, and we headed to Chipotle and I got a quesadilla FUCK YEAH. Then I ended up in quite a weird mood because I was so profoundly exhausted, and I sang for days. Then Poppy did Crissie and Morgan's hair to go out and then we danced and Morgan made up a new move (called, tastefully, "The Down-Syndrome Rabbit). After that we headed to Farrand with Erica, where we waited for the go-ahead to go out, even though all I really wanted to do was watch Caddyshack. Like really. I went for moral support or whatever.

But anyway we went to a house party and that was okay. We saw the triple and then something Johnny said made me start laughing and then I couldn't stop, and then one thing led to another and I ended up going through the entire kaleidoscope of human emotions in about twelve seconds flat, and ended up sobbing on the ground, and I could not get my shit together. It looked pathetic.

And so then Crissie called Graham and she and Johnny and I walked to the Safe Zone that is Brackett Hall and Sierra and I had a breakdown together. If you ever really want to get to know people, having a mental breakdown with them is probably the best thing you can do.

And then I watched Caddyshack, and it was wonderful and just what I needed.

Then Connor and I had a heart to heart, and that was nice because the two of us haven't talked about anything that's happened to or between us in a long time and it was great to catch up and just be absolutely honest with someone about the bramble patch that is my life for five minutes.

After that I went into Evan and Davis's room and saw Dani and caught up with her. Then, once again, I ended up sleeping on Evan's futon in the Safe Zone.

So um yeah. This whole year has been extremely taxing. Mentally, physically, emotionally. People don't tell you when you leave for school how truly difficult it is to live and be a functional human being in these times. College is NOT just academia. If it was, I would be so goddamn happy and I could probably lift a car with the sheer strength of my spirit.

More than anything, this year has been a lesson in being a fuller human being. THAT is what you learn in college. You learn how to fly, and you learn how to fall. A lot of the time is learning what falling is like. And then you need to learn how to pick yourself up.

There is a Haitian proverb I know that goes, "Beyond mountains, there are mountains." And yeah. That's pretty depressing.

Because nothing is going to stop. You're still going to be tired and you're still going to want to give up. That's life. That is the goddamn truth. You NEVER stop being tired or sad or filled with existential angst. And it's tragic.

But the important thing is that you keep going. And you keep standing back up and you fight back. Because as much as life can suck, it beats the alternative. That's one of the only things I know for sure. I know for a fact that it's worth it. I don't know what the hell I'm doing. I don't think ANYONE knows what the hell is going on. But we keep going in the hope that there will be more and more moments that make you smile and people that you can hold close and experiences to be had that make all of the pain and the hurt seem like nothing.

There are mountains beyond mountains. But I'm fond of mountaineering. And I guess that's the most we can ask for.

I'm sorry I've been so breakable lately. And I know you're concerned, but just know that I appreciate you more than I can possibly say and that I love being here and alive. Some days are just harder than others, basically, and I know that even though I've been the perfect kid for so long, I'm allowed to be a mess sometimes too.

Alright. More on the subject later.

Thanks for reading :)

Leaves of Grass (Not THAT Kind of Grass)

Thursday 26 April

I got home last night and passed the fuck out last night. That's my life.

Anyway. So yesterday began too early for functionality with my 8 AM physics recitation, which was okay and we're good at physics. Fuck yeah.

THEN my Norlin class got cancelled and I stayed in the library and wrote my blog. I was really quite distraught. I love that class, and we were going to talk about my favorite poem in the ENTIRE FREAKING UNIVERSE, "Song of Myself." I was sad. Anyway. Then along came Ethics and I heard presentations on Steve Prefontaine and Paul Farmer. And they were quite excellent and I'm jealous that they are actually coherent in front of an audience. Honestly.

Yeah. So then I got food and stayed in my room and watched the rest of Thor because I'm cool, and then I watched part of Captain America and it was TOTALLY WICKED. I love him so much.

After that Sam and I did chem homework and finished it in one hour flat, which was amazing because it usually takes days. I then went to the library and hung out there reading Democracy in America by Tocqueville and looked quite scholarly or whatever. Woo!

Then we got food at Farrand (again—this is why Loretta the cashier knows my life so well) and then we baked cookies AND a cake, and then we frosted said items, and then Crissie and I began our girl's night.

It quickly turned into something else since the Triple was up to their shenanigans and then Morgan and Poppy came in and then we played "Tourette's" which was super fun, and Willow came in (and she is wonderful human being) then we danced, and then we just hung out for awhile, taking pictures and talking about life and all that jazz. Then I was tired, so I came back to Smith and passed the fuck out. Like a winner. I didn't even do my politics homework.

Yeah. That's about it.

So because I didn't get to talk about "Song of Myself" in class, I'll just leave you with the short essay I wrote on it a couple of weeks ago. It was about how my top value in life is "Connection." Yay!


I read Walt Whitman’s Leaves of Grass my freshman year of high school under a tree in my backyard (like the hippie I am). I started to realize over the years that his philosophy greatly paralleled mine. He titles his life’s work Leaves of Grass for a reason. At its core is a theme of common humanity. For Whitman, humanity is a field of grass. Each one of us has a distinct leaf, but we’re all connected by a single root system—a common human experience if you will. No man exists without the collective human experience unifying us. If you’re cut off and isolated, you will die. These connections are our life source.

Whitman also writes a great deal on loneliness, yet uses it to make more connections. He realizes through all his poetry that he cannot exist as a solitary live oak in Lousiana, that he must continually seek the sphere to connect him to other humans like the spider flings his web hoping to catch somewhere, that even though he is lonely crossing this ferry, others are united with him in the common experience. It always, for Whitman, comes back to connection.

I’ve believed for a long time that my views largely parallel Whitman’s. I believe, as he does, in a collective human experience that unites us and that even in your loneliest and darkest moments, you have that to connect you to other leaves of grass. Even if you’re united in loneliness, you can know that other people feel the same way. You can know that, because we share a common experience, we are connected, that we are all a little lost, all a little scared, and yet all a little happy.

I’ve been told it’s strange that my top value is connection, a social quality, when I’m an introvert. I don’t think it creates any sort of dissonance. I believe the connections I’ve made, the people I meet—be it my family, my friends, my colleagues in my major, my teachers, my coworkers, even random people in Arvada, Denver, and Boulder—have a hand in shaping my life. Every truly unifying moment has depended on other people. I, like Whitman, cannot live without these connections to other human beings. They are necessary to my core. I’m a hopeless wanderer, going from peer group to peer group, from major to major, from one town to another, but each connection is of intense value to me. I cannot live without having at least one place where I feel close-knit and deeply rooted.

I've realized, finally, that I’ve found my roots of my solitary leaf grown deep—that I am connected with the rest of the human experience, and it is wonderful. It reinforced the value of connection, and I believe that’s why I keep coming back to it.

So yeah. That's scholarship at its best. I'm going to go sit in the sun now.

Thanks for reading! :)

Because It Honestly Takes Superheroes To Conquer My Existential Angst.

Wednesday 24 April

Last night I got home late, so I decided to get the sleep my body so craves yet never utilizes accordingly. Woo.

Yeah. So I woke up yesterday and was absolutely thrilled that it was warm enough to NOT WEAR SHOES, and so I've decided the rest of the semester is going to be flip flops, sandals, and light jackets. I don't give a flying fuck if there is still snow on the ground. Shoes are for pansies.

Yeah. I rode my bike to physics like a pro, and arrived kind of on time. We learned about waves some more, which I quite enjoy. I don't know why; I just really like them—maybe it's because of all the connections to music that are applicable. I'm also going to add that I really truly miss orchestra a lot more than I thought I would. Then we did FCQ's and Joe and I walked up through the center of the lecture hall, which I had never done before, and it was really quite a fascinating shift in perspective and it really weirded me out. I think it's another idea I have to digest like a boa constrictor.

Then I went to Western Political Thought, where we learned more about Tocqueville and his views on how individualism (read: narcissism and disengagement from politics) will destroy the vibrant sense of democracy in America at the time, and I'm honestly quite afraid he's right. Many of my friends absolutely deplore politics and most people I know fail to see any importance of the government on their lives, and I think that's really sad, compared to what we used to be.

Yeah. Then along came Chemistry and we talked about PHOTOCHEMISTRY, which I also find fascinating and I think it'd be fun to go into and learn more about. P-Chem is seeming more and more the subfield of my major for me, even though the concept of taking that class my junior year here fills me with this vague sense of apocalyptic dread and the feeling that I will be having a lot of vodka that year (which will be completely legal at that point).

Anyway. Then I went to lunch with Sam and she told me about her weekend, which seemed Pretty Interesting, and left me questioning just for a second why on earth we do the crazy stupid things we do. Because it's exhausting, this whole living thing, and it's not entirely what I thought it would be. And I don't know what to do to change it, or the culture up here, or the way I feel about it all—that is, marvelously ambivalent. Maybe I AM morally bankrupt. I don't know anymore.

Then, my lovely little sister Miss Ellie came up after her half day and we picked up Crissie for WEDNESDAY STARBUCKS YEAH and my sister and Crissie talked incessantly like they do and I just listened like I do, feeling both happy that these two are in my life and a little embarrassed for everyone around us that has to deal with the three of us haha :)

Then we hung out in Hallett and Ellie told us stories of middle school and I creeped on her Instagram and we had a grand time just talking, sharing stories and a little bit of our time together. Then she had to leave, and I really honestly just miss that kid sometimes. I miss her enthusiasm and her optimism and her innocence, three things which as of late have been lacking a bit in my life. The world is just so puddle-wonderful with her, and I wish it could be that way again, you know?

Anyway. I ended up almost passing out on Crissie's futon trying and failing to figure out the written physics homework for this week and sat there just rolling in waves of pure exhaustion. Then she went to study for ASL and I went back to Kitt and took a brief nap, sleeping right through my dinnertime. So then I decided to fuck homework completely and watched three episode of Portlandia in a row, and it was awesome. I fucking love Fred Armisen, and I laughed really loud and obnoxiously and it was Pretty Great to just relax for an hour. Then I walked to Noodles and Company and got a macaroni and cheese and came back to Kitt to eat that while watching the first twenty minutes of Thor on Netflix.

THEN, quite ironically, Graham texted me and was like, "Iron Man in like a half hour?" and I was like "OH MY FUCKING GOD YES" because anything superhero-related with me is never the question—it's always the answer*. And yeah, I know I'm a giant nerd, but my friends do know and appreciate that, and I'm eternally grateful for that.

Anyway. I walked over to Brackett and socialized for a good forty five minutes before we even started the damn movie, but it was fun. I love my engineers, and I don't feel like I see them nearly as often as usual anymore. We mostly just talked about life and next year and plans for the summer and giving up on homework and how the Epo doesn't sell regular Rockstars anymore and that's terrible**. Izzy tried to convince us to come to Theta Xi's barbecue, and I refused because I'm a vegetarian, have about forty-three cents left to my name, and frats are definitively Not The Place for a nerd like me. But really.

We finally started Iron Man at 10:30 and even though I've literally seen it six times, it was just as awesome. It never gets old. I think that's part of my identity as a nerd—I have to keep reexamining things, to see if I missed something the first time, to see how I've changed my views and how my thinking has evolved over time. It's fascinating to me.

Yeah. So then after the movie ended at 12:30, we stood around and talked and I was invited to Ramadonna*** and I finally decided to leave. I got my bike from Duane and rode across campus and ended up in my dorm trying and failing, once again, to do my physics homework.

I had an intensely difficult time falling asleep, but eventually I did and it wasn't as good as I needed it to be, but whatever.

Yeah. I always feel a lot better about life in general after a superhero movie binge. I'm not quite sure why. Like last year The Avengers led to an existential revelation which was CRAZY and helped me get through the rest of the school year without being an emotional train wreck. I don't know if it's because they are genuinely inspiring or whatever, or if it's because I'm just a giant nerd and expressing that for even a little bit, knowing something like that for sure, helps me cope with the rest of the wreckage I'm calling my life. I think it's that.

So anyway. Basically I'm pretty sure if all of the mechanical, aerospace, computer, and chemical engineers I know teamed up, you could probably build the Iron Man suit, and then I would love you forever. Please get cracking :)

I'm off to ethics. Thanks for reading and being there and staying excellent :)

*but really. This year, I was invited to see The Avengers three times (and I went haha), was sent multiple pictures of Marvel memorabilia, was given Avengers-themed school supplies by my mom, a Captain America frisbee to toss around the quad, and bought four pairs of Marvel socks at Target. I also own two Captain America shirts, an Iron Man shirt, and two Marvel shirts. I am a little bit obsessed.
**because Kevin and I are addicts and NEED OUR CAFFEINE FIX DAMMIT
***you don't really want to know

Necessary Risks and Broken Brains

Tuesday 23 April

HAPPY UNOFFICIAL SHAKESPEARE DAY! Read a sonnet or whatever.

Anyway. Today was really long, and yet, time hasn't made much sense at all, so yeah. My brain is so broken. On so many levels.

I slept through my four alarms for forty-five minutes this morning, which was kind of okay because I only had a little bit of my Jefferson presentation to finish, so that was ideal.

I speed walked over to Duane in the snow to get my poor bike which was, at this point, frozen to the racks over there, and then I let that defrost during my Norlin class. We mostly watched spoken word, and that was fitting because it was the birth (and death) day of the greatest poet that ever lived! YEAH! ALSO WE GET TO READ SONG OF MYSELF AND I HAVE NEVER BEEN MORE EXCITED IN MY ENTIRE FRIGGIN LIFE.

I'm a fan of Whitman, as you're probably aware. It's the earth child in me or whatever :P

Yeah. So then I got a "connector cord adapter presentation thingy" (direct quote from my brain to the girl at Norlin—I'm sorry you had to deal with me because I'm usually marginally more functional) from the OIT desk, and then I biked across campus in the snow without any gloves on. I walked into Ethics and Paul was like, "Oh we're so happy you can join us, Maggie" and I was like, "HANDS. CAN'T FEEL MY HANDS. HELP."

I defrosted as I heard presentations about Steve Jobs (maker of my computer—what's up) and Douglas Adams (Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy—also lots of wonderful space quotes which I adore), and then it was time for me to present about THOMAS MOTHERFUCKING JEFFERSON.

First of all, MY COMPUTER CONNECTED TO THE PROJECTOR AND I WAS OVERJOYED. I think it went well, but I felt a bit like a crackhead going on about my love of politics and the awesomeness of revolutionary politics, and I think I use the phrase "so that's pretty cool" no less than thirty times. I am a WONDERFUL public speaker *sarcasm hand*. But then, so was Jefferson, so if anyone asks, I'll just be like, "I was emulating the spirit of my subject." Murica.

Yeah. So then I returned the "connector cord adapter presentation thingy" to the library, and then I grabbed a pizza from Farrand and came home. It took me SIXTY THREE SWIPES OF MY CARD to get into my fucking room today, and I was distraught. But whatever. I did my laundry and watched Bates Motel, which is getting intense (and I'm really sad Officer Shelby turned out to be such a dickface—he seemed so genuine at the start and was so attractive and just yeah. Don't trust anyone, kids).

Then I chatted with my brochacho, and then it was time to head to the library with Crissie (third trip of the day! Again), where I did some physics homework, looked at my professors on Rate My Professor, did FCQ's, and looked at my financial aid award (and there is a significant amount of dinero associated with it. Being poor pays!). Yeah. Then I went to Hallett and hung out before everyone went to their floor meeting, and then Johnny and I walked back to Kitt like the pseudo-outcasts we are from that society, and I folded some of the dry laundry.

Then I went to MY floor meeting, where we learned about moving out procedures. My RA likes us, too, so we got ice cream and it was wonderful. Because America.

Then I went BACK to Hallett to do TUTORIAL TUESDAY FUCK YEAH with Graham, Sierra, and Binder, where we mostly just got distracted or whatever, and decided not to do the written portion because our grades are good enough or something. So yeah.

I ended up on the futon discussing weekend Plans with Crissie, and that was cool because my best friend is the person I worry the least about lately because she kind of has it almost together.

But honestly, I just WORRY about my friends and my family sometimes. I worry about their substance problems, and I worry about their grades, and I worry about their stresses, and I worry about their depressions, and I worry about their family problems, and I worry about their health, and I worry about them falling from grace, and I worry about the distances between us, and I worry about them trying to hold it together when all they want to do is break, and I worry about their brains, and I worry about their hearts because they are still so breakable after all this time and all this bullshit we put up with. I worry a lot, honestly. For the first time in my life, I feel completely at home with these people. I feel like I am finally standing on solid ground instead of falling perpetually into something or another, or just drifting around like the feather from Forrest Gump. And I care a lot about everyone in my life. Like I always say, it has been a gift to have people in my life that I can laugh and cry and live with.

And when they start to unravel a little more than is manageable, it worries me.

I guess this is the risk we all take in human interaction. You open up to people, and you start to care about them, and you begin to worry and you begin to let the world in. And there is a chance that they will hurt you because you've opened yourself up to their suffering. You've opened yourself up for pain and hurt, just because you care a little too much. And it's unfortunate sometimes, but these interactions are so necessary for our survival that we cannot go on without them.

So yeah. Caring. A risk, but a necessary one.

Um yeah. Maybe sleep will help to fix the shattered pieces of my brain, so I'll try that and let you all know about that. Okay.

Thanks for reading and for your continued support. It means a lot to know I'm not just shouting at a metaphysical wall or whatever. I just want to let you know that I love you guys and I care a lot. Okay. Sleep. :)

One of the Only Certainties I Have

Monday 22 April

So I passed out last night doing homework like a pro, so here we are in the afternoon. Yay!

Deciding what to wear yesterday was, quite possibly, the hardest decision I'll make all week. And, like most difficult decisions, there was regret involved in not choosing something else. So yeah.

I decided I also gave no fucks about how my hair looked yesterday, so I'm sorry if I looked like a crazy person with my frizz everywhere. Anyway. I rode my bike to physics, and I'm sorry, Bible people under the bridge, for almost running you over when you tried to hand me that copy of the New Testament. I have nothing against your religion even though I'm agnostic personally, and I think it's a great work of literature. It's just that the breaks on my bike LITERALLY DO NOT FUNCTION and I couldn't stop without crashing.

So yeah. Physics was good. Joe and I rock at waves, and Connor still owes me because he hasn't showed up to class. Lame. Anyway. I walked outside to a very dark sky and said, "What the fuck?" because Colorado sucks. It started to pour just as I got to Western Political Thought, where we learned about Alexis de Tocqueville's travels in America in the 1830's, which I guess is a little like CU Boulder on a Friday night (due to the amount of inebriation and political enthusiasm). But really. Andrew Jackson hosted an inauguration party that actually literally turned into a rager in the White House. Great place to be, Jacksonian America. Anyway. It was a snowstorm when I walked out of that class and was quite depressed because I am OVER wearing shoes anymore. Chemistry, then, was chemistry. We talked more about catalysis in kinetics, so that was fun.

Then I went to lunch with Jack and ate in Farrand by myself until Steph came and rescued me from social awkwardness, so that was Ace.

We walked to lab in the snow, and we did our LAST OFFICIAL RECITATION. FUCK YOU, SCIENCE. Haha and then we did our lab, which I am pretty ambivalent about. It's killing me to not know if I had aluminum in my cation solution. I'm pretty sure I didn't but I can't be sure if that was just the alumion solution or if it was actually a reaction taking place. Lab. Gotta love it.

Anyway. Then I worked on my Jefferson project until Crissie said we should go to Target and be us, which was grand. SO we went to to Target and bought chocolate and cake mix and printer ink and Rockstar, because we're cool and college kids.

So yeah. We got back and talked to Johnny for a second and then we joined the Basement Brackett clan for dinner, which was great. We talked about our infamous New Year's Gathering, and then about the Twitter account that posts the C4C cookie menu, which Joe and Crissie thought was stupid, but Jackson and I think it's great. And then we talked about relativity and I got called a nerd. Which was awesome.

Yup. We went back to Hallett and talked about nail art while I worked on my Jefferson presentation, and then Binder came in and we did CAPA together, which was fun, albeit a little distracted and random. Then we hung out for awhile, I ate some chocolate, my boobs were ogled, and Poppy, Morgan, Crissie, and I watched YouTube until I got the motivation to get back to Kitt in the snowstorm. Then I finished my Jefferson presentation and passed out making notes for that.

And overall, it was a pretty decent day. Not too over the top, not too rushed, not too stressed, not too dynamic, but just good. That's all it was, and I'm perfectly okay with that.

So I got called a nerd today, and I thought it was great. And I know I do rant about this a lot, but Im going to again, because it is the only part of my multitudinous identity that I am completely certain about.

I went in for this interview for a scholarship last year (which I didn't end up getting, probably because they could smell the crazy on me and decided against it) and they asked me to describe myself in one word. And I said sincerely, the only question I was certain of through that entire interview, "Oh, I'm totally a nerd."

And they kinda stared at me and finally said, "Um. You don't act like a nerd. Or look like one."

Honestly, I was pretty indignant about that. Because it honestly is It didn't seem fair for them to profile me like that—yeah, I was wearing my best skirt and I gave a shit about my hair and I actually put on makeup and wore high heels, and for once in my life I wasn't completely socially awkward.

But that's not what I think being a nerd means. It's so much more than that, and I believe it even transcends that stupid definition of old. Yeah, I use science concepts to explain my feelings and that I read political biographies for fun and I reference Star Wars anytime I possible can. But nerds are allowed to have this genuine, unapologetic excitement towards the world. We’re allowed to get ridiculously excited about academia, or pop culture, or really whatever makes this dismal world a brighter place, because there is no pressure to look cool. It's so much better than regular life. Nerd life is filled with infinitely many small moments of joy and excitement and passion and those keep me going. Which isn't so bad.

And I guess that's why I am so happy to be up here. Yeah, this year has been mostly about my emotional development, because, let's face it, I'm awkward and learning how to interact with other people is a really interesting education. But amongst all this is something I love and truly believe in—my intellectual education. I suppose that's why I like to talk about Calc III when I'm in a strange mood, and why I love lab so much, and why I can watch two hours of TED Talks and have no shame, and why when I read something really cool about politics I share it with whoever I'm with. Because some parts of your identity need to stay the same when literally everything else around you is changing. And falling back on "nerd" isn't necessarily a bad thing at all.

Anyway. I'm out. I'll see you tonight!

Thanks for reading :)

Because I'm Sometimes a Crack Addict Learning the ASL Sign for "Malaysia"

Sunday 21 April

Well today was Pretty Good, and I'm discovering day by day that maybe sometimes the bad stuff isn't so bad after all and there is some good still left in the world.

My mom woke me up at 6:00 AM this morning from troubled dreams to tell me that the roads were too bad to ski AGAIN and then I fell back asleep kind of disappointed yet craving sleep. BUT THEN at 6:20, she was like, "JK LOL GET IN THE CAR" and we headed up to the mountains and I was beyond elated.

I don't think you understand how happy this makes me. I fucking love skiing. That's all I can say. If I try and explain it, I get all excited and then just end up waving my hands around like a crack addict who just learned the ASL sign for Malaysia. It's kinda funny. I get this way when I try and talk about history or chemistry or British politics too. Talk to any of my friends and they will tell you. Its technical term is a "nerdgasm."

Anyway. And today was probably one of the best days of the entire season. I really enjoy the spring shit that they have packed down now and my new skis kick ass in it and they had POWDER for once and even though my knees feel like knives are digging under my patellas, basically today was just VAIL FUCK YEAH. That's all I can say. See? I'm doing the crack Malaysia thing.

This is a picture from today. I may or may not be the idiot in the green coat.

FUCK YEAH

So yup. That was my day. I then hung out with Mason and Ellie briefly and then my dad drove me back to Boulder. I took a shower and then went over to Hallett, where Crissie and I had Matters to Discuss and then we were joined at dinner by Dan! So that was fun.

Then we went back up to her room, where I worked on my Jefferson project and everyone came in. Nole and Griffin kept bringing up my boobs in conversation, which is bizarre because most of the time only phallic references are made around me.

It's a weird life, but it's where I'm at right now.

Then everyone left so Crissie and I could have our capital-T Talk, and that was interesting to say the least. Most of it went like this:
Me: *laughing* So yeah...
Crissie: *laughing* Yeah...
Me: Yeah....
Crissie: Yeah...
Me: Yeah...
Crissie: Yeah...
And so basically my best friend and I are the people that can say "yeah" for an hour straight and still think it's as funny as it was when we first noticed we started saying it.

We're pretty cool.

Anyway so then Morgan, Poppy, and Mora came back from their dinner with Erica and they were pretty entertaining. The quote of the day goes to Morgan, who said, "I went over to Coors Event to find a tree to climb, but they only have pine trees. What the hell?" 'Murica, that's why.

Yeah. Then I grabbed my bike and came back to Kitt, where I watched a great TED talk on the Power of Introverts that Piper recommended to me, because basically I'm the kind of kid that watches TED Talks when she gets bored with her homework. And you know what? I'm okay with that.

And yeah. I'm still more lost than I've ever been, in between my past and my future in this turbulent present that likes to consistently usurp anything I know for sure with tidal waves of uncertainty and doubt and existential angst. This entire year has been an education. Not just of my mind, which has expanded, or of my emotions, which I've experienced the entire range of. This has been an education on what it means to be human. This has been an education on what it means to truly be alive in these crazy ass times with people that are just as lost as you, floating on the same current. I'm not sure what the hell is going on, honestly. But I'll keep asking until I get kind of an answer.

To go on the Gatsby theme I've somehow found myself on, I don't know if I'm Gatsby completely. But I think there is a part of me that knows what he's talking about. I know what Fitzgerald means when he talks about the irreconcilable nature of our dreams to reality—my life has been an experience in that. And yet, we still cling to our beliefs like buoys in the storm. This is another idea that needs to ruminate before I can get it fully fleshed out.

So here's a Fitz quote for you:

"Gatsby believed in the green light, the orgiastic future that year by year recedes before us. It eluded us then, but that's no matter--tomorrow we will run faster, stretch out our arms farther.... And one fine morning--
So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past."

Love that. :)

Thanks for reading :)

Apparently I'm Always Half Baked

Saturday 20 April

So I didn't post yesterday since I ended up passing out on my couch watching Dallas last night which was awesome and precisely like old times :)

Um yeah. I woke up yesterday at like 11 and read some of my Jefferson book, and that was good. Then I Facebooked and procrastinated and got ready to face the day by eating a Pop Tart. College life.

I didn't even TRY to go outside since I figured the smell of weed would permeate the very atmosphere. I also took the CollegeHumor quiz on "How High Are You?" and got Half-Baked, totally sober. Which I suppose supports Davis's theory that I sound like I'm perpetually high. Yay.

So then I watched Bates Motel and that was excellent, and then my mom picked me up, and then we went to the store and came home and made alfredo pizza (what's better than pasta OR pizza? BOTH OF THEM COMBINED AS ONE) and I ate half of it because I'm usually ridiculously hungry after my Friday adventures. Anyway.

THEN my dad and I went and got Ben and Jerry's Half Baked ice cream because I'm cute and punny. Or something :)

Then I watched Big Bang Theory with my dad and determined the reaction between hydrogen peroxide and potassium iodide is totally implausible for Sheldon to use on Kripke. Anyway. Why nerds can't watch that show. Ever.

Then I watched Psych and I CANNOT BELIEVE THAT SHAWN AND JULES BROKE UP AND I JUST REALLY DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO BECAUSE THEY ARE PERFECT TOGETHER. ARGH. Then I watched Dallas and that was fun and I just really hope the Ewings get out of this bind.

Aaaaand I really don't know what else to say, so I'll just copy and paste what I said last year on April 20, because I don't think I can top that.

Okay see you all later :)

"It still surprises me that people are genuinely shocked that 4-20 is the Columbine anniversary and Hitler's birthday. And that's why I am afraid for the future of the universe.

Maybe it's because I am a history geek and I think it all matters. But most people just see this beautiful and genuinely fascinating conglomeration of human events and people and think it's just a bunch of dead guys and that it doesn't matter.

Maybe it's because we're teenagers and getting stoned is a hell of a lot more thrilling than remembering something horrific or that the biggest mass murderer's birthday happens at the same time you're lighting up.

But it concerns me. It concerns me because maybe things like Columbine and the Holocaust wouldn't happen if we gave more of a crap about them. I know you can't go to pieces every time something awful happens in the world. Because if we did, we'd go crazy really fast.

But "gone" can't be synonymous with "forgotten." I guess that's what I'm trying to say here. Forgive, but don't forget. Especially the Big Things.

And also, just care. Absurdity says that human resistance to the inevitable death and our attempts to order the universe are futile. But I don't believe that. I won't believe that. It's a really pessimistic outlook on life, because apathy and hate are the two most destructive things out there. You can be super pissed off that things don't go your way. You could shut out the world and not come back. But honestly hard to stay mad or separated. It's life. Sometimes, it sucks. But it's honestly so beautiful in the grander scheme of things. Don't forget that.

These seem contradictory, and I know why. Action and reaction. That's what I learned from physics. Because every time something awful happens, every time there is so much bad in the world, good rises up in opposition. People unify and believe in hope.

The wounded oyster mends its shell with a pearl.

And that's all I have to say about that."

Thanks for reading :)

I Hang Out With Engineers and Party at Gatsby's

Friday 19 April

So I did think about blogging last night when I rolled in at 2:08 AM, but then I decided it was better for everyone that I just go to bed.

So yesterday was Pretty Great. It was heaps better than my last Friday, at least. I had a lot of great adventures with great people and I continually find myself asking how I got so lucky to have these great people in my life.

Yeah. I went to physics and was ACTUALLY EARLY, which is the Best, and we learned some more about fluids while Joe and I just chilled and I wrote my Western Political Thought response. It was great. Then I had my politics recitation, which was alright—we talked about Aristotle and how he asked, rather than Plato with "What's the best state?", "What kind of people do we want to cultivate?" and I thought that was interesting. Plato held this whopping grudge against Athenian democracy, because that system killed his best friend and mentor Socrates, and then Aristotle took it and said that Athens didn't kill Socrates. The people killed Socrates, and I think that makes all the difference. Because governments are made by men for men, and thus, there's room for glaring mistakes and flaws. So yeah. Food for thought. Then I went to chem, where we talked about our exams (I GOT A 90 HELL YEAH) and then some more kinetics! YAY KINETICS!

So yeah. Then Sam, Steph, and I went to lunch and Sam said she really could go for a chocolate croissant from Panera, and then I suggested we go to fucking Panera to get pastries, and so, by George, that's what we did! So that was fun, and then we went to Target and saw Steph's friend Elena, and then we all took the bus home with our bags of crap. I then walked to the library and had a nice chat with Crissie, and then I wasted some time and walked with her back to Hallett.

Then Morgan and Crissie and I watched Lonely Island, and then we watched when Jimmy Fallon and Justin Timberlake went through the history of rap, which was amazing and I kind of want to be best friends with them both so we can party and rap together :) So then I went back to Kitt and dropped off my shit, and then headed back over to Hallett, where I collected Crissie after we reposed for a little bit and then went to dinner! We had a nice chat about my romantic life (or, I should say, lack thereof) and then we sam Graham, Connor, Anthony, Sierra, Christine, Flock, and Annie, and so then we went over there and chatted with them for awhile about bad drug experiences we've heard of, the batshit insanity of our lives, Macklemore and his concert, and finally Annie's obsession with salt, which basically ended up everywhere by the end of dinner.

So then I went to Hallett and basically lost my mind because I was so exhausted, and then I danced and Crissie and Johnny judged me a lot, to say the very least. So that's where my life is at.

Anyway. Then I headed over to Brackett, where I hung out with the upstairs gang for a little bit while they all readied themselves for Macklemore, and then when they all headed out I went downstairs to Evan's room. The events that followed are why I hang out with engineers.

We played this game that Joe invented called "Angry Birds," where we played with Angry Birds shaped cat toys and lobbed them at structures we constructed with Red Solo Cups. The person who knocked down the last pig won that round. And it was a great deal of fun. With Kevin, Jackson, and Erin as judges, Joe and Evan were on a team and Noah and I were as well, and Noah and I started on the losing side, but then we came back as the night went on and maybe ended up winning. We never really figured that out, since it was a win-win game haha. I also discovered there is a reason I'm not an architectural engineer, and that's because I suck at building shit.

So yeah. That ended and they all played Smash Bros, and I tried to stay awake because I was exhausted. Then everyone came back form Macklemore and we hung out with them, listening to Imagine Dragons. We almost watched Caddyshack, which I was pretty excited about, but that didn't end up happening since we just talked instead, and that was okay. I spotted the Avengers puzzles Evan got in the dollar bins at Target, and then we ended up doing a 100 piece puzzle at midnight on a Friday with help from Sierra and Connor. You only wish you were this cool.

THEN I convinced people to come to Denny's with me, which was quite a feat since no one ever leaves their dorm or whatever. So Connor, Zac, Sierra, Phil, Ryan (who I met last night—cool kid), Evan, and I traipsed across campus to Denny's and that was Awesome. Granted, I ate shit on the Kitt hill because of the mud and we lost Evan along the way since he ran ahead and then just looped back around to Brackett to go to bed, but you know. It happens.

So I got my stupid hash browns and it was a lot of fun. I talked with Phil and Zac a lot and then we headed back to our respective dorms and I fell asleep at 2:18 AM.

So yeah. That's my Friday and why I like engineers.

Anyway. I had the idea that our society is a lot like that of the 1920's, especially when you head up to college. We party like Jay Gatsby sometimes. Are we morally bankrupt? I don't know. I think we're more in the middle of a great identity crisis, and sometimes we make decisions to see just how far we can go as far as our morals go. I'm still trying to figure out why we do the things we do.

But what's more concerning to me is that we're nineteen years old, in the prime of our lives, and almost everyone I know is absolutely fed up with modern life and the paths it presents us with. We're going to school and getting good grades and doing what we do to earn money in the long run like lemmings, and anytime I talk to someone about this, it's easy to see that this makes us all uncomfortable. We want to go out, hike, explore the world, see everything with bright eyes, experience the full variety of human emotion—and we're stuck here in this life that we sometimes hate, be it suffering through calculus, living in a hostile and unproductive political climate when we know it should be so much better, or finally understanding that your belief in humanity is being shaken to the core.

I don't know. Everything is honestly so fucked up anymore—politics, the economy, our social lives, humanity itself—and it's hard to find a reason to keep going. I don't know why we do if there is nothing to even look forward to. I personally believe the American Dream is dead. We're paying tribute to a false idol that hasn't ever been real.

And I think in this case, we sink into either apathy or ignorance. Most of my friends are too well informed to sink into ignorance, so apathy it is. We're so angry about where we're headed but it seems like there is no way out. I never understood Allan Ginsberg's poem "Howl" until this year. Now I do, and I wish I didn't. Because it's so absurd and I can't find any meaning at all in this void of modernity.

I wrestle with the question a lot. And sometimes I'm like, yeah, I'm excited about the future and I'm really glad for the present and people to go to Denny's with and my friends who help me out and get me through it. And other times I sink into an existential funk and I just kind of hate everything. I don't know if this is what comes with being a young adult or if this is what comes with life in general.

And people always tell me to focus on the good and forget about the bad, but you can't just discredit half of life like that. Because the bad things sometimes define us as well. It's such a weird ass duality that I just can't figure out sometimes.

Maybe I'm crazy. I don't think it would shock many people at this point.

So where to go from here? I don't know. I think the most we can do is to live boldly with the choices we make in this life and face the raccoons with an open heart and mind. And maybe you'll get hurt, but that's the risk you take. I think we just have to accept the bad, embrace the joy, and go on with a little bit of hope that it'll get better eventually. I'm a cynical optimist at heart, and maybe that hope is a character flaw, but I'm okay with that one.

Anyway. Sorry for the rant, but I just felt like I needed to get that out after the week we've had and it's been ruminating. And writing's been the best way for me to try and understand everything.

Okay. I'll see y'all tonight for another blog.

Thanks for reading and for your continued support :)

Physics Galore and Wiki Binges

Thursday 18 April

God I am so exhausted. Someday I am going to stop being so very tired all the time. That will be extremely nice.

Anyway. Today was mostly physics galore, which is fitting because it happens to be Albert Einstein's death day. So that's sad but a little ironic. Yeah team.

Paul Revere also made his iconic ride 238 years ago today. I can't say I made an iconic ride tonight—the most I did was to sing "One Day More" from Les Miserables and get some weird looks from stoners. Like I do.

Today began dragging myself out of bed for my physics recitation, which really didn't help much for the test. Whatever. Then I went to my Norlin class, where we discussed our final projects and also sluts, because that is the range of discussion we have in that class. I just love it. After that I sprinted across campus (14 minutes—I'm slacking here) to ethics, where I heard presentation about Eric Clapton (informative—I never really knew much about the guy whose "Sunshine of Your Love" rhythm I can play on every instrument), Bill Clinton (I liked the rationalization of his behavior), and Richard Feynman (a BAMF physicist whose autobiography I am totally going to read this summer because everyone loves it). YEAH!

I grabbed lunch at this point and manifested the confused and wonky mood I've found myself in a lot to Flock, Kevin, and Graham, and I'm sorry because I am super lost anymore.

Then I wasted some time on College Humor and then went to Hallett to go to the library with Crissie, where I pounded out two practice tests and watched a couple Smartphysics videos I'd neglected. So then we walked back and I made a notes sheet, and then Binder and I complained about physics, and then I complained to Dan about exams, and then Mora showed up so she and Crissie went to deaf night at Old Chicago and I went to take my physics exam.

And I guess that went okay—better than I anticipated*.

Then I went to the library AGAIN, read Aristotelian politics, and did my Western Political Thought response, which is bullshit but what's new?

I rode home and emulated Paul Revere and then I ended up back in Smith going on a Wikipedia binge. Which is a thing I do sometimes when I'm bored when I click on random links on Wikipedia and read the articles. It's fascinating sometimes, because I got from Irene of Athens, a Byzantine empress, to Ezra Pound in like five clicks. Which is interesting. I guess it does just show the interconnectivity of life and of everything we know. Nole once got from Tiger Woods to underwater basket weaving in like 17 clicks. It's awesome and you should try it sometime.

Yeah. I watched the trailer for The Great Gatsby like 10 times today, and I'm pretty stoked.

But after reading Hemingway and Fitzgerald and everyone, I'm starting to think that maybe we're a lost generation too. Sometimes I feel like we're just as morally bankrupt as they are, clinging to ideals of a society no one really believes in anymore, disillusioned with the American dream hoping more than anything that there is still a shred of good left in this world.

I'll probably return to this idea once I flesh it out a bit. Because I think it's important.

But for now, I go to physics.

Thanks for reading :)

*AKA, I probably failed

Because Sometimes I Am a Good Political Science Major and Talk About My Field.

Wednesday 17 April

I have about two percent motivation left after a physics/ethics binge, and just yeah. I can't find any more and that is disconcerting.

I woke up in a panic because I thought it was Thursday and that meant I had an 8AM that started about five minutes from when I woke up, but then I figured out what the hell was going on, so no worries, guys. I got this. I'm a functioning human sometimes.

So yeah. I got ready and all that jazz and I was running pretty late. So I was like, "Well fuck this," and decided to ride my bike to physics. I defrosted my stupid bike and then hopped on, where it was covered in ice and snow and literally wouldn't pedal because the chain was frozen solid. Then THAT defrosted but my brakes worked even less than usual. It's a goddamn miracle people didn't die.

Anyway. Physics was decent; I tend to underthink it, which is REAL bad and I should probably figure that shit out before tomorrow. Then I went to Western Political Thought and totally zoned out because Mewes gave us the same lecture at the beginning of the semester. I made the mistake of scrolling through old posts on the wonderful group Shit Graham Says, and ended up almost peeing my pants from suppressed laughter, so that's where I'm at.

Then I didn't have chemistry, so I went to the library and ACTUALLY STARTED MY JEFFERSON PROJECT FOR ETHICS. WHAT'S UP. I also registered for NSCS and got my info for AP and even Facebooked a decent amount, so that was fun.

Then I went to Farrand for QUESADILLA WEDNESDAY HELL YEAH and scarfed that down before Crissie and my WEDNESDAY STARBUCKS YEAH! I got a cold drink today, which Crissie judged me for and I thought was perfectly valid or whatever.

Then we stopped in Kitt to get my Jefferson book, and went back to Hallett to work for a solid THREE HOURS on ethics and then on physics. Then I grabbed a Farrand pizza (because Crissie didn't want to eat but I'm, as always, ravenous) and we watched New Girl.

After that my productivity derailed and I mostly just helped Binder with physics, made Crissie's desk into the Batcave (because I'm five), and then sent her hundreds of Snapchats. Then we watched YouTube and got ice cream and then ended up here singing along to Train after Nole told me that he wanted to be best friends with my boobs. Yay (or something—yay college).

So it's been a snowy day of busy nothings. Basically how my life is gonna be forever. How it's always been. And I don't honestly know if I'm okay with that.

And instead of talking about my existential awkwardness as usual, I'm going to talk about how I am pretty sad that representative government is FAILING US MISERABLY, especially since like 90% of the US population favors stricter background checks and the Senate JUST defeated a bill that would tighten that up. And quite frankly, I don't think that's right.

Yeah, I get that politicians lead the people instead of following them, because that's a rookie mistake, and I get that Madison's brainchild works heaps better than anything else we could ever design, but I'm just mad sometimes. I feel like part of it's the lack of moderate politics, but then again, American politics are about as moderate as it gets and the ideological differences we see here are pansy shit compared to the rest of the world. I really think a viable third party would shake things up. Maybe break up the stifling dichotomy we find ourselves in. Or something.

I am a political science major, and I hate politics. This is the culture I have been born into.

Personally, I think background checks help, but the solution is to ban the sale of automatic weapons in the immediate. There's no reason to have them. My brother and I could debate this for hours, so I'm sorry for this liberal outburst, my right wing friends. I have no idea why the hell you NEED a gun. Yeah, it's a constitutional right, but when they wrote that, there were like bears and shit at their front porch, slavery was still legal and straight up from Africa, and they thought phrenology was a viable science. A lot of shit didn't make sense back then. If you're hunting, you obviously can't hit a deer in 40 shots if you can't get the job done with two bullets, and if you're afraid the government is going to descend into tyranny, it's been stable for literally almost three and a half centuries with a crap ton of checks and balances and a very unique separation of powers that PROHIBITS THAT. Read the Federalist Papers and you'll know what I mean.

I feel like this is an issue people latch onto and have very superfluous reasons either way—yeah, I get that taking away guns will not fix everything, but it'll help.

But then, maybe that's the fundamental problem with politics in general—Whitman says in "Song of Myself" that he imagines the ship's captain so well that he becomes the ship's captain, and the wounded man, and whatever else. He can become other people. But I think that's too idealistic. I'm a Whitmanian, and I can't even fathom how he does that. We have an extremely hard time understanding that other people are as real as us, and we have a very hard time seeing other peoples' viewpoints. I can't see the opposing side of an issue sometimes because I'm very entrenched on mine. As John Green says, "The only wounded man I can ever be is me." I can't do it. Science, in this case, helps a lot in this field—you can gather empirical data and evaluate your position that way. But at some point it comes down to truly human experiences, and I don't know if I'm capable of reversing it because there is no way to measure the value of human experience.

I don't know about a lot. But I'm going to keep learning and keep observing until I figure it out. And then I will try my damnedest to fix it. You can be sure of that.

So yeah. That's me. I'm going to bed and I'm probably going to be sad in the morning because of goddamn physics. Yay.

Thanks for reading :)

Shadow Beasts and Coloring Because We're Five :)

Tuesday 16 April

Today has been absolutely insane. Lots of walking, lots of studying, lots of work, but this is the life I've chosen and I probably couldn't be happier, because, after all, "Sanity and happiness are an impossible combination" :)

I woke up this morning QUITE dismayed that there wasn't a snow day this morning since I had a chem test today and was really hoping that would be cancelled since I have no idea how to isomers.

But I got ready for the daily grind and then finished my Norlin homework on my walk to the library. In that class, we discussed our Shadow Beasts—that is, the part of you that you push away into the shadows based on like society or whatever. I prefaced mine with, "So, on Friday night before a lot of crap went down, I saw a raccoon." And they all laughed because they know about my phobia of raccoons, which is basically pretty debilitating.

Digression: It all started the second day up in Boulder, when I came home at four in the morning after escorting my remarkably inebriated friends home from a house party where I’d abstained from drinking. All I wanted to do was sleep. My feet hurt from tramping around campus in flip-flops, I got hopelessly lost on the way home, and as an introvert I just really wanted some time alone to recharge. Smith Hall was within sight, and I was filled with an overwhelming sense of relief as I started over the bridge on Kitt Lake.

And then two very large, very threatening raccoons came on the bridge in front of me and blocked my path. I stopped dead. They began to rapidly approach me as they stared me down, their eyes flashing in the darkness. I shouted “OH MY FREAKING GOD,” turned around, bolted around Kitt Lake and over the other bridge, and arrived in the lobby of Smith, petrified, trembling, and getting laughed at by some stoners.

And basically they are mean and evil and snarky and angry and I am freaking terrified of them.

So that's my beef with raccoons.

I talked about how my shadow beast is that of the raccoon—it's outright clever and intelligent, confident, can be angry and mean, and basically doesn't give a shit*. I want to be that sometimes, but I don't feel like I can at all. So that's my Shadow Beast.

It was pretty interesting to hear the other people's shadow beasts too—they all had to do with like not caring and being a mess and not being the put-together kids everyone thinks we are, and that was sad. Because even though we're smart or whatever because we're Norlin Scholars, we're still people and we have feelings and I don't think intelligence should negate any of this shit we have to put up with being a human being in these crazy times.

Then I walked to ethics (I also cut my walking time down to 12 minutes—what's up?) where I heard presentations on Otto Van Bismarck (the unifier of the modern state of Germany), Adolf Hitler (interesting take on him—it was proposed he was amoral, which makes a great amount of sense), and Malcom X (you should probably know who this is if you're reading this blog—I mean really, you're friends with the biggest geek since like Thomas Jefferson or whatever).

So that was fascinating and my peers are really raising the bar for my damn presentation that I'll make at three in the morning on Tuesday before it's due haha.

Then, I went to Farrand and got food, and then I did my laundry like a boss! Yeah! Growing up and shit.

Then I look my SECOND trip to the library of the day to have my ethics consultation with Piper about my project and to check in about how I'm doing with my class (12 minutes again—consistency FTW). And she said I was doing really well, which is pretty interesting. I'm like, "Piper, are you on drugs?!" because I feel like I am so ridiculously scattered whenever I open my mouth—I try to say something and I'm like "OH JESUS WORDBARF AGAIN COME BACK." It's like nothing I say makes any sense in my brain but then apparently it comes out making sense to everyone else. I don't know how this begins to work. At all.

I also MIGHT incorporate this whole deelio into my final project for Norlin. Still working on the logistics behind that...

But seriously. What the hell is going on? How does this work? Questions everywhere. Again. My brain makes no sense at all.

Anyway. Then I studied for awhile in the math library and then I realized I forgot like everything for the rest of the night and had to walk BACK TO FREAKING KITTREDGE. I HATE LIVING SO FAR AWAY DAMN IT.

But yeah. I studied for awhile and then got distracted as usual, so I ended up on Facebook/the internet, and I found out my good friend Anthony has a blog too and he's a crap ton better at articulating the angst of modern life than I am.

Yeah. Then I came to Hallett as usual and walked in on Mora and Crissie signing "Thrift Shop," which was pretty neat and they are pretty good haha.

Then I walked to the library got the THIRD FREAKING TIME TODAY and dropped Crissie off and talked with her coworker Sam and then went to take my CHEM TEST FUCK YEAH.

And it went okay—I guess I did okay on all the kinetics stuff and even kind of managed to scrape by on the isomers piece. Then again, I don't have chem tomorrow so that's exciting.

I would also like to share that I have no idea how to study. In high school, I was like a sponge—I just absorbed and regurgitated and glanced over my notes five minutes before the exams. Like a pro. But I'm finding that it doesn't really work out as well in college or whatever. So I've been having to learn how to do that, and it's hard.

Anyway. Then I came back to Hallett to meet Binder and do physics, but we ended up in a hostage situation in a standoff between Nole and Tommy. This is the second chem test I've come back to when a hostage situation and copious amounts of Febreze are involved. Hallett shenanigans. They never get old.

We conquered our physics, and then I was left alone in Crissie's room, which was interesting and lonely or whatever, so yeah. Then Mora and Crissie came back from Target with a cookie for me from PANERA WHICH WAS AH-MAY-ZING! THANKS CRISSIE!

So now we're all coloring so I'm going to join this party. Because I'm five. :)

Thanks for reading :)

*I've given up on censoring my blog, because this is the internet, dammit, and I basically talk like a goddamn sailor anyway. One letter out will not kill you, and if it offends you, I'm sorry. But really. This is me. You should expect that.

Snow Days and False Bottoms

Monday 15 April

Well today has been about as sh*tty as the weather, but you know. It's the day the Titanic finished sinking, Abraham Lincoln finished dying, and Tax Day, so I probably should have expected something like this.

Anyway. Classes today were actually okay—I arrived at physics kind of on time and I REALLY understand fluids*, walked up the hill to Western and listened to Mewes rant about man being a political animal**, and then reviewed in chemistry, where I discovered I suck hardcore at isomerism but I'm freaking awesome at kinetics. I think I might try and pursue a career in that, because it's really fascinating and ties together all sorts of math and chemistry and all that jazz, and it's magical.

Anyway. Then I went to lunch with Steph and Sam as per usual, and then I walked to Norlin to give Crissie via Dan my calculator for her genetics exam, and then I went to lab.

ONLY NOT REALLY BECAUSE CLASS WAS CANCELLED.

I have mixed feelings, honestly. I mean, I'm as lazy as the next college student, but still. I was really in a lab mood today and wanted to make pretty colors and sh*t, and I really wanted to hole up in the library and keep up the work I was doing, but no. I was stuck in the Nerd Cage of Kitt and mostly just procrastinated. Whatever. I'm mostly just really pissed that this giant snowstorm is happening AFTER VAIL HAS ALREADY FREAKING CLOSED. I AM SO MAD.

THEN I got the news that my poor brother in his injured state TOTALED MY POOR CAR ROCINANTE AND I WAS DISTRAUGHT BECAUSE NO ONE WOULD TELL ME WHAT THE HELL WAS GOING ON OR IF THEY WERE OKAY OR ANYTHING. The good news is my brother is okay, although I really need to start looking for a new sedan. If anyone has anything, then PLEASE let me know. Like basically if it runs, is an automatic, and has a radio and a cigarette lighter for me to plug in my iPod, it's drivable and I'm down with that.

Anyway. Then I went to dinner with Crissie and Poppy and Morgan and we talked about yogurt and life and stuff.

After that, I ended up doing CAPA with Binder and then we looked up Epic Mix stats, and then we ended up watching Perks again and I'm still in Hallett because I basically never go home. After I finish this, I actually might for once.

So I used to read a lot of Nancy Drew as a child, and whenever she would like find a secret box, she'd find this false bottom to the chest and then another clue could be found and she'd save the day or whatever. She was a badass and I aspired to be her when I grew up. I mostly just pretend I'm Sherlock Holmes when I walk back late from the library.

Anyway. The POINT is that I really should expect false bottoms at this point in my life.

But clearly I don't.

I basically just thought that the universe was going to stop crapping after what happened on Friday, but clearly it had a sh*t ton of Taco Bell/Brazilian food or something.

I literally just cannot believe what the hell is going on in the world. The events in Boston make me both incredibly sad and incredibly angry, and I'm not sure how to deal with them. I honestly do not know how to reconcile all of the incredible beauty I see in the world with all of the hate and sadness and pain. It's hard to believe in a silver lining with all of the hate that pervades our world these days—Sandy Hook, the Burn Book at my high school, the nuclear tensions, the bombs in Boston—it's suffocating and it's frustrating and it breaks my heart. I will never understand why people do these terrible things and why someone would ever have that much hate and animosity. We're on this tiny chunk of rock hurtling through space and time at breakneck speeds in an endless oblivion, and it's vast and it's terrifying and these acts make it so much more unbearable.

I just think in these crazy and painful times the most we can do is to accept that bad things happen, but your life can't be a memorial. Your life has to be a life. There is too much beauty in the world to stay mad. There are too many good, pure human moments to stay hurt. Love wins. People care. Apathy and hate does not and can not rule your life. Hold onto that, and maybe, just maybe, it's going to get better.

I told my mother that I just didn't care and I wanted to go dig clams on a beach in Maine, and she said, "That's cool, but you'd be back. You care too much about the world to just let it slip away." And I hope you remember that. I hope you remember to care, because I know you do.

Anyway. That's all I have to say about that.

Thanks so much for reading and for keeping me going :)

*that's what she said
**actually a VERY good miniseries on USA Network last summer—check it out fo sho.