Work In Progress

Friday 25 April

Basically I'm sitting on the couch listening to my playlist entitled "Drink You Away" (aka, All Of My Sad Songs) because I really screwed up last night and I'm trying to deal with it.

Happy April 25th, the perfect date, because it's not too hot and it's not too cold, and all you need is a light jacket. And quite frankly I ditched the stupid light jacket because Colorado is stupid and doesn't know what seasons are.

Anyway. Yesterday started off with me still sleep deprived and that's always fun. We learned some more about monosaccharides and weird shit they do sterically in Ochem and that was pretty nifty—I honestly think it's really freaking cool, and maybe if I didn't suck so much at organic then I'd be interested in pursuing a career in that. But alas. I don't know what I'm doing.

Quote of the day goes to my professor, who said, "Emil Fischer was the epitome of an organic chemist—he was a chainsmoker with a beard. After he died, they all were just chainsmokers, and after they figured out that smoking was bad things just got boring." He really loves organic chemistry, that one.

Anyway. Then I dragged my ass across campus to Constitutional Law, where we actually had a guest lecturer who happened to be our real professor's wife. She's a campaign finance lawyer and that shit sounds cool, because it's a bit of a free-for-all and actually figuring out what's going on is so tricky and delightful. She was also involved in the Citizens United case (which here's the opinion again because it still pisses me off *angry dragon noises*), and so she helped to clarify a few things about it, which was nice. Campaign finance is a thing I feel strongly about, mostly because campaigns are so exhausting and expensive and I don't know why we aren't spending that money in other ways. Then again, I don't think I can remember the last time a grassroots politician got elected without some kind of PAC behind him or her—there are some organizations that give me a bit of hope for things like Clean Slate Now and that's nifty. It's so fun.

Then I walked home, read a chapter about Pronouns, edited briefly the paper about war that I have to make perfect, and ate pizza rolls (because I like the simple things in life).

I chatted with my writing professor before class and he said he really liked my rhetorical analysis paper, which was kinda like "Jonas are you on drugs I wrote that in three hours the day it was due" and also like, "Yeah, I still got it." So yay. Writing was okay—we talked about pronouns and that was interesting, because it's one of those things that's always changing and evolving and stuff, and yet it was hella frustrating because it shouldn't change so freaking often. I like language and rhetoric, and part of me is really mad that we trivialize things like whether or not to use "their" for a gender-neutral pronoun just because it's not singular. Also an interesting fact: "he" is used almost twice as often as a pronoun than "she" is when discussing a gender-neutral thing. Hey, Feminist Maggie, I didn't know that would piss you off so much.

I also found out that my writing prof is leaving in the fall and I'm super disappointed—every single time I get a professor that I'm really enthusiastic about and likes my writing, they LEAVE ME and it's NOT OKAY. STOP THAT I AM SO ANGRY YOU CAN'T KEEP ABANDONING ME LIKE THIS. I KNOW YOU HAVE LIVES BUT MY LIFE FALLS INTO REALLY SUPER SHITTY PATTERNS LIKE THIS AND I CAN'T TAKE MUCH MORE OF IT.

After that I got to have a chat with my Norlin director and that was A+ because I always love talking to Joan—she genuinely cares and never makes me feel like a total failure even though I kind of am sometimes, because she knows we're all works in progress. So that's always nice. She also gives me some pretty good life advice and that's ALWAYS appreciated since I have no idea what the hell is going on at least 95% of the time.

So yeah. Got home and read some well-deserved Dance With Dragons, where another one of my favorites turned out not to be dead and OMG FREY PIES and my second-favorite sociopath Roose "On The Loose" Bolton made an appearance. Love that guy.

Made some pasta, had an emotional chat with Paige (and I worry a lot about her too because she puts up with a lot from everyone and is in a very weird place and I know how that feels—gods why the hell can't we just be happy IT'S NOT FUCKING FAIR AND I'M GOING TO CRY), and then we had a karaoke session involving "Hotel California" and "Don't Stop Believing" and other classic rock songs, and then we took some selfies so yeah:

This is Why We Can't Go Nice Places

Benedict Cumberbatch had better watch out for that one.

Anyway. Then Crissie came home from work and we got ready to go out to Ramadonna, and had a pretty emotionally fraught chat on the way (and I worry so much about her too because she's had a rough couple of months and is dealing with it all remarkably well, but I know how it sucks to be in such a lost place, and LIKE I SAID NOTHING IS FAIR IN THIS STUPID LIFE AND I'M SO PROFOUNDLY ANGRY ABOUT IT ALL LIKE WHY CAN'T YOU JUST GIVE US A FUCKING BREAK), and then Ramadonna happened.

Anna and I reminisced and then I actually met some new people and wasn't awkward or misanthropic, and then I took a lot of selfies with mah crew and got to talk to people I love so dearly and don't ever get to see anymore because life started happening. And I wish we could do more things like this, because it's so important and I need to be more on top of my shit when it actually happens.

And then basically, because of four days of sleep deprivation and Reasons, I force quit on the night.

This is when I screwed up. Things I said and did not say were misconstrued and I ended up feeling trapped and panicked, and that's never a good thing for me to feel, so I lashed out on people that didn't deserve that. I hadn't slept in four days and I'm dealing with my sister and my grandma and the rest of my freaking family and I'm so worried that I'm going to fail organic chemistry and I'm stressed. I am constantly consumed with worry and listen to a neverending howl of internal panic and I know I don't manifest it often, but it's always lurking there. It's not an excuse. Because I know everyone has their shit and they have it together.

But I literally don't think I can articulate how worried I am about everyone and everything and how much I care about these people in my life and how profoundly sad I am that soon it's all going to end. I'm so bad at feelings, which is one of the reasons I'm not very good at being a girl, and I can't explain why I feel the things I feel, and I don't tell people how much I care because words are wind and I'm a coward that way.

So this is it. This is my attempt to find reason in this void of nothingness. This is me, trying to write and trying to tell you what I feel. It's a work in progress, just like me.

But words are wind. The only thing I'm really undeniably good at is a fallacy on some level. And I'm so sorry that I can't do more.

So yeah. I'm going to go fix things. Or at least, I'm going to try.

Thanks for putting up with my shit, and thanks for reading :)