But First, We'll Live

Friday 4 April

Well last night began the Best Weekend Ever for nerdkind, which was, as I put on Instagram, Hella Rad. I passed out at like three or four in the morning and that was awesome.

Hella Rad

So yesterday was pretty chill. I went to organic in the morning and managed to stay awake even though every fibre in my being wanted to sleep. We learned about more ADOL REACTIONS, according to my notes. They're muy importante or whatever. I literally don't even care about that class anymore. I'm so tired of jumping through hoops just to get what I think I want. Then again, none of us get the things we want, so maybe this is the universe punishing me for even trying for it. I don't know and I'm tired of pretending to know anymore. Whatever, whatever, whatever.

My law class was cancelled since my prof was in Chicago, and I was quite distraught because I rather enjoy that class. I walked home and then did some laundry and cleaned the kitchen and also my room because that's what I do when I'm sad. I started off my narrative as well, which is based on The Great Gatsby and The Sun Also Rises, two of my favourite novels about the Jazz Age, so fuck yeah.

Then, I went to Writing, which was about as good as I could manage, and when we got time to actually work on our project, I mostly texted Crissie and also Mason. Productivity, yo.

I walked home again, was left alone in the apartment because my roommates go to the gym for some bizarre reason, and I read some Dance With Dragons and ended up falling asleep.

I then decided to make quinoa, because I'm running out of food and also pans. Quite literally right after I turned off the heat on it, Bongi called Crissie and asked if we wanted to go to Cosmo's, which happens every single time I eat quinoa. And, since I'm a Pizza Addict, I went with Bongi and Evan to Cosmo's and that was great, as we had a chat about politics, bro-ness, and Captain America. I love those kids. 

I came home, finished the quinoa, went on Tumblr for awhile, and then Bongi and Evan came back downstairs to our place because we're marginally cool or whatever. We hung out for awhile, and then we hopped in Noah's car with his Great Sound System to go and see Captain America: The Winter Soldier.

And HOLY FUCKING SHIT YES. YESYESYES. I just nerded the fuck out on this one (FUCK YEAH AMERICA) and was ever so pleased that Marvel doesn't have the balls to kill off their main characters (I'm looking at you, George RR Martin, because CAAAATTTT). My fear of being killed via rotating helicopter blades was indeed well-founded in that movie, Nick Fury is my spirit animal and everyone knows it (because we both have serious trust issues), and goddamn, Chris Evans's ass in 3D was worth the four extra dollars (because, oddly enough, I'm actually a girl and can appreciate stuff like that, as all of my male friends were shocked to see). I also found I have a serious fear of being president when shit happens like a fucking monster coming out of the sea (thanks, Godzilla trailer) or a total fascist overhaul of one of my most important institutions or fucking helicarriers emerging from the Potomac, or New York City being destroyed by the likes of Tom Hiddleston. Somehow I doubt that's covered in training.

I loved the juxtaposition of solider/citizen roles, and how both Sam and Steve and, to a certain extent, Natasha, had to deal with that conflict inside themselves, and it really helped to clarify some points for my narrative. I liked Black Widow being portrayed as a mostly three-dimensional human being with a complicated past, and wasn't over-sexualized a ton, which was one of my main issues with Iron Man 2. The CGI was brilliant as well. I continue to wonder why we make movies that have a scorched-earth policy and lay waste to our major cities (The Avengers, Man of Steel, Thor: The Dark World, etc), but it's fucking awesome, if not a reminder of our own mortality (the fear of which runs deep in me—like seriously, what if I die before The Winds of Winter comes out, or before I find out what happens to Lady Mary in Downton Abbey, or before I see my sis graduate high school, or before my brother gets his shit together, or before I'm able to run for office, or before I make a difference in this world? This is what keeps me up at night).

Honestly, though, I really identify with Captain America as a character. Maybe it's because we're both anachronisms and we're both just huge geeks at heart, but it's true. He believes in what America used to be—he believes in freedom, equality, and the indefatigable spirit of the American people—and he refuses to give that up even though the world keeps trying to tell him those ideals aren't valid. He's an idealist at heart, and believes in the good of humanity, despite the fact that he has no reason to believe that good things even exist. He believes in truth, he believes in America, and he believes in justice, and he doesn't let anyone bring him down. I love that. I've always loved that. That's why I got into politics, and that's why I'm so profoundly fucking angry all the time—nothing is giving me cause to think that my ideals are valid. I think that's a big motivation for Cap, why he keeps fighting. I know that's why I stay up until three in the morning all the time and stay with majors I hate and —if nothing gives me cause to validate my ideals, I'll make them fucking reality. Just watch me.

Anyway. Then we came home and had a nice little gathering, which involved a strong selfie game, the cutest puppy ever at Mina's apartment called Leo, Evan buying us all pizza (thanks, Evan!) and me micromanaging humans. I ended up being a confidante for a lot of things as well, and I'm not sure what it is about me that makes people tell me anything about everything, but I'm okay with it. I may hate people, but I hate some of them less than others, and all of your stories give me cause to keep on believing in you. And that's all I've ever wanted. To believe in something.

Overall, the point of yesterday, to paraphrase Game of Thrones, was that all men must die, and of course we will. All things have to end. But first, we'll live. We'll love, and we'll cry, and we'll experience agony and joy, and we may break our brains and hearts and spirits, but we'll keep standing back up. First, we'll live.

Thanks for giving this hopeless wanderer a cause to believe in, and thanks again for reading :)