Bottomless Nights

Monday 21 April

So yesterday was nice, but it was too long, and that's never what you want at this point in the year. Also, this blog has reached 1400 pageviews—most of them are probably spam from Russia, but thanks for the views from you human readers.

Anyway. Began with the fresh hell of organic chemistry and guess what we're learning about: Fucking Carbohydrates. I'm not a frikkin biochemist I'm a PHYSICAL chemist and I don't need this in my life I already know enough useless information as it is (yeah, the capital of Uzbekistan is Tashkent I DON'T KNOW WHY I KNOW THESE THINGS) and basically my whole life in that class is this gif:

Lucille Bluth is My Spirit Animal

So yeah what a time to be alive. *punches air feebly*

Constitutional Law was interesting—we talked about the Brown v Board decision and that was interesting because it used the Plessy test to invalidate the Plessy doctrine, which seems a little deus ex machina for me but I mean no one's segregated anymore so that's A+ and you know what Supreme Court you tried to make a legal reasoning for it so here have a gold star:

HEYYEAYEAYEA

Anyway, then I read Slaughterhouse Five and that was great, and then I went to Recitation AND OUR QUIZ WAS CANCELLED AND I'VE NEVER BEEN SO HAPPY FOR ANYTHING IN MY LIFE like I don't need my grade to drop any lower so thanks for that one Thomas the TA. I got to go home and eat some food and that was great, and then I wrote a gloss on the scene where Billy Pilgrim watches a movie in reverse.

Then I went to writing and had a semi-intelligent conversation about Vonnegut and satire and stuff and that was almost nice. I do so love it when I don't have to listen to flimsy attempts to find metaphorical resonance in things. I then had a conversation about Vonnegut and Timequake with my teacher after class, and he asked me why I liked it so much, and I told him that I'm a nihilist and he's too much of an optimist to fully enjoy it, but he'd have a more fulfilling life for it. I'm full of sass this week, basically.

After that, I walked home and then went to the store since life is hard and you run out of food that you can't afford. Yeah. Anyway, after that, I did some research on polystyrene for my lab project, and then I packed up the bass and went to rehearsal for THREE FREAKING HOURS.

Our concert this year is at Macky Auditorium, and I'm that kind of kid that if you let me loose in an architecturally fascinating building I'll wander around in it like it's my job. This is why I'm not allowed in most castles, because I'll cross all the ropes and explore everywhere, and I really had to restrain myself at Mount Vernon and ESPECIALLY at Monticello. Anyway. Explored Macky. Place is neat. Way neat. Then I stood for three straight hours and regretted the fact that I played the bass because it turns out I fell WAY too hard while skiing on Sunday. What a time to be alive.

Then I came home, tried my hardest not to pass the fuck out, and ultimately failed and ended up sleeping sporadically through the night and working on my chemistry lab project. It was radical.

So yeah that was Monday. We talked a little bit about the idea of free will versus the idea of destiny, and how Vonnegut believes that it's definitely all destiny and it's all meant to be and we cannot change our fates, but Earthlings, from a Tralfamadorian point of view, cling to the illusion of free will. I have mixed feelings.

I've always felt like the idea of fate or destiny takes away a lot of our own agency to act and truly be ourselves, which definitely comes from my innate, visceral fear of being cornered and being trapped. We're capable of so much as human beings, so why would we want to diminish that to one set path or idea of how the world is going to turn out? Then again, I also subscribe to the idea that everything will work out in the end, which has a certain sense of fatalism to it—I'm a good person, I should end in a good place (And the nerd in me is shouting, "TELL THAT TO NED STARK"). Then again, I subscribe to a balance-of-probabilities theory to explain why that's the case—in the beginning, the antimatter was outmassed by the matter, and that's why we're here. The universe tends to fall into a pattern that favors us eventually.

Accepting that destiny exists is kind of a nice thing to think, however—you'll always be assured that the decisions you're making are sound and you won't have to constantly ask yourself if what you did was right and you won't waste any time worrying obsessively about the future because you're on a path to find out exactly where you're meant to be.

Sometimes when I question "What's the point?" in my bottomless nights where I lay awake under the crushing weight of reality, I realize that the answer's "There isn't a point." And maybe that's why I can see why destiny is helpful—there's always a point to be fulfilled. Things are meant to be. Things are final and you can always have a sense of closure, and if I'm going to be totally honest, closure is the only thing I've ever wanted from anything.

I like the idea of having a choice and free will. It does put a lot of pressure on you, and it's hard. But you have a say in where your life goes, and that's why I love it—you can be on a road to nowhere, and you can change it. You don't have to stay, or you can explore where it goes and you have the power and the choice to shape your own destiny. You're never powerless, and you're never trapped in a situation. And I think that's beautiful.

I don't know. I don't like destiny, but I can see why other people do. This is why I'm a great scientist and an awful politician—I'm as close to objective as anyone's going to be.

Anyway. I'm going to write the Tuesday blog now, or brief a case, or probably both if I'm gonna be honest.

Thanks for reading :)