In Which I Deal With Some Nerd Rage

Tuesday 7 April

Well this is sort of a disaster but I have a remarkable memory so let's review what happened on Tuesday:

Woke up, showered, and went to Middle East Politics, where we finished up the Arab Spring and started talking about ISIS, which was just really great. The last part of the Arab Spring was about Syria and the fact that the Hafez al Assad regime leveled the town of Hama in the early 1980's because it was sheltering members of the Muslim Brotherhood, who opposed his autocratic regime. Nobody knows exactly how many civilians died, and it's heartbreaking. We also talked about Hafez's son Bashir , who has allegedly used chemical weapons on his own people to quell dissent about his autocratic regime.

I get pretty riled up about chemical weapons, which isn't surprising because I'm a chemist in my spare time and it horrifies me when people use that beautiful power for evil. It's bullshit. Don't you dare weaponize science, especially science that I'm involved in. It just pisses me off, and it's awful that anyone would use something so fucking beautiful against humanity in general.

ISIS is another can of worms, and I'm pretty sure that they're more of a threat to the West not because of their extremist, apocalyptic perversion of Islam (I also get pretty riled up about that tbh) but because they present the greatest threat to the Westphalian state system in the modern age, and that fucking scares people. Then again, that's a fine line between geopolitics and religion, and I walk that line a lot more than I'm proud to say. It's frustrating. But I chose this, so I'll walk alone.

I then had a break and had some Chex Mix and a Twix bar to calm myself down.

After that, I headed to CWA again for my Norlin class, where we went to a panel called "Kickass Career Advice: Skills to Build NOW" because we talk a lot about professions and the constructions surrounding our fields and it's a good time. Whatever.

The panel was pretty fucking awful tbh, and was mostly a bunch of sexist and slightly misogynistic comments on the business world. It was a mess. Literally, one piece of advice was "marry rich or have a rich daddy if you want to pursue your passion," which really pissed me off and I was not a happy camper in the slightest leaving that session of CWA. *frustrated stamping*

I was pretty motivated, then, to end up meeting with Kim Lee and learning how to do data analysis on STATA, which is a beautiful stats program and I'm totally into it. Anyway. It's fun. Kim Lee put together the single greatest dataset I've ever seen, and I owe him literally like half of my stipend this semester because he's amazing and likes trade probably more than I do.

Yeah. Then I decided to take a break and reheated some pizza, and the Paige and I watched Thrones, which was S4E3 "Breaker of Chains," which I'm REALLY STILL NOT OK WITH LIKE REALLY I STILL DON'T UNDERSTAND THAT FUCKING SEPT SCENE. NOT COOL, GUYS. IT WAS RAPE. I'LL DEFEND CERSEI AND JAIME TO THE DAY I DIE AND THAT SCENE DOESN'T MAKE IT EASIER. FEEL MY NERD RAAAAGE.

NERD RAAAGE

I'm fine. I'm Game of Thrones trash, but I'm fine.

Then I spent five hours in the library because I'm really cool and I'm usually motivated by rage to do things. I deal with a lot of rage a lot of the time—rage about the political situations, rage about gender inequality, rage about the state of the third world, rage about chemical weapons, rage about the proliferation of ideology, rage about the use of science to kill people, rage about the treatment of Cersei Lannister in Season 4 and Catelyn Stark in Season 2, rage about my sister's disease, rage about my family's situation, rage about the fact that I'm too busy most of the time to enjoy the moments that I have with people that I like. I am very angry about a lot of things a lot of the time. I'm good at hiding it. It's like the top of a volcano—I present this image of this stoic ice peak, but underneath, there is magma, and it burns slowly and persistently. It is unlikely that I'll ever explode. But it's still there.

Rage is not pretty, but it makes me fucking productive, which is kind of ok to deal with.

Anyway. Walked home at midnight and ended up falling asleep watching 30 Rock, because I deserved it. I really did.

I hope to catch up on the blog soonish, but alas, it's Marg Night and I'm still in the library doing a presentation. We'll see how this goes.

Thanks for reading :)

What I'm Too Invested In: A Survey

Monday 6 April

Well, the Badgers lost the NCAA championship, but bless the world of sports because I can truly embrace my actual personality as a grumpy 60-year-old man and fall asleep watching The Master's Tournament this week. I love golf.

Anyway. Began the day tardily (as per usual) and headed out to Quantum Mechanics bright and early (by which I mean 9 AM; my life isn't actually that hard). Walked behind a lot of seniors on the way to class, which can only mean that Conference on World Affairs is in town. In class, we finished off Morse Potentials and moved onto rigid rotor motion, which ALSO would have been helpful in the seven hours of calculations that Randall and I did last Tuesday. Whatever.

Then I went to Water and Soil Chemistry, where we actually discussed atmospheric chemistry in the form of the ozone hole over Antarctica. This meant we got to talk about the Montreal Protocol (the agreement that helped to stabilize decreasing ozone levels), which had me fucking STOKED, because I am the Montreal Protocol's Biggest Fan. It is literally the PERFECT fusion of science, international politics and environmental policy. I aspire to the greatness of that treaty every day, and tbh if anyone is ever involved in something half as fucking wonderful then you've done something totally right with your life. Anyway. A good day in Water and Soil Chemistry.

Then I bought some caffeine on my break because I was going to die if I didn't. I also got some crackers because I adult well. Living large with House Rose.

After a fairly unproductive break, I went to a panel discussion in Conference on World Affairs, which Joe was moderating and we had to attend. It was called "The Rise of European Ultra-Nationalism" which was about the rise of nationalist right-wing parties in Europe. Nationalism is my second favorite thing in all of political science (the first being dispute settlement mechanisms in preferential trade agreements #honorsthesis2k16), and so I had a damn good time at that panel. Mostly, I just love Americans because usually panelists all just get into a debate about what exactly the Tea Party is or isn't. Most of the panelists thought the fault lay in policymakers not integrating the immigrant population of Europe, whereas I had a point of disagreement in that the immigrant population doesn't have the political space to actively engage in their new homes and they aren't thought of as a priority by like anyone. I've also written a lot of papers about how nationalism is a backlash against regionalism and globalization, which the panelists also agreed with and I was like "hey my Dothraki-cited paper I wrote on a Red Bull binge last semester at 4 AM was RIGHT!"so that was pretty exciting.

Like I said. I get too invested in the fates of people halfway around the world and too concerned about diatoms for my own good.

Walked home behind more seniors (I love this week, I love this week) and went to the store, where I bought real fruit (don't worry, Mom! I'm eating well! Ish!) and also pizza because that's what I do with my life. I also managed to sneak in a couple of episodes of 30 Rock, which was rad (Sidebar: I need a Kenneth in my life).

Boulder Property Management also put a fucking raccoon trap outside of MY DOOR so YOU KNOW WHO IS FREAKING OUT A LITLE BIT? SPOILER ALERT IT'S ME, IT'S NOT A RACCOON TRAP THEY'RE TOO CLEVER FOR THAT. THEY WILL ESCAPE AND PLOT REVENGE. IF THE RESIDENTS OF THE SHIRE SUFFER DAMAGES BECAUSE OF RACCOONS I WILL FLIP SHIT.

I'm fine, really.

Anyway, spent the rest of the evening in the library writing up a presentation on Ed Snowden and totally not actually just watching the NCAA championship (it's by far the most scandalous thing I've done in the Norlin stacks—watching basketball instead of studying. I'm super cool all the time, I know). Finished the presentation a whole four days early, which is nothing short of miraculous. Went home, read for class, and fell asleep reading about ISIS (which is not the weirdest thing I've ever read before bed tbh).

Mondays can occasionally get me down, but I've been oddly motivated to actually get shit done. Maybe  it's because I genuinely enjoy school 93% of the time, but it's not a Herculean task for me to get out and go learn shit. This is why I'm good at writing theses and being a scholar—it's never been a job, it's always been a lot of fun, to get out and satiate some aspect of my endless curiosity. I'm good at it, too, which, for someone who has a genuinely limited skill set, is encouraging.

Anyway. I'm off to go to class yet again.

Thanks for reading :)

Take Me To Church, Ish

Sunday 5 April

So yesterday was Easter, which, because I'm an atheist, I skipped church and went on a hike instead. Which is pretty much the same thing when you're me.

Woke up after a solid night of sleep, which was super nice! Then I got my life in order and drove home to the Rad Arvad. The drive was nice—a little breezy on 93, but whatever. Found myself in an extraordinary good mood, which is rare for me. I'll take it, though.

I was fed Real Food by my mother, who worries about the fact that I eat mostly crackers and pizza and Rockstar (it was amazing. Dietary variation, who knew we lived in such a world?). We then climbed in the car and went on a hike up on Goshawk Ridge in the Doudy Draw Trail System, which was really pretty! Ellie also bought a selfie stick, which is probably the greatest invention of all time, and my mom and her and I took a bunch of photos in the canyon that looked a lot like an album cover. Fun times with the Roses.

Sunglasses Swag With the Rose Girls

There was also a metric tonne of Pasque flowers blooming. They're these really lovely purple flowers that always bloom right around Easter, despite the weird variance in that holiday (honestly, I've never quite figured out why that holiday varies, and if you have any information for me that would be very nice to know). Also, fun fact: they can be used to treat PMS, but excess use can lead to cardiac failure and death. Being a girl is really hard, believe me. The things that can help you often end up killing you.

Pretty and Deadly: My Aesthetic

After that, we drove home and engaged in the suburban tradition of egg dying, which always makes me feel a little bit like Faberge in the Romanov Empire. My family was also more keen to make eggs for Evan than they were for anyone else, which was pretty great. Evan, you're in. You did it.

We then had Easter dinner (and by "Easter dinner" I mean "steak for everyone but Maggie who just ate a lot of potatoes and then there was some weird family tension at the end hooray holidays"), which was kinda nice because I got to see everyone at once instead of in small doses of each of them individually. We talked about Andrew Jackson instead of Jesus, which I really appreciated tbh.

I then took a shower (I love the Shire but its water pressure is SHIT and real life water pressure is my favorite thing) and talked a little bit with Miss Ellie for awhile about her high school experience, which is vastly different than mine ever was—she has a social life where I just did a lot of homework and she hangs out in the athletic hall where I hung out in the band room. Kids are also so mean lately, and I don't understand it.

I miss that girl a lot, honestly. She's one of the few people I can converse with using complete honesty in this life, and for that, I'm sorry. If you're one of those people, I sincerely apologize. My brain is a bramble patch at best, and I'm both honored and upset that you have to put up with it.

Anyway, I ended up driving back up to Boulder and then edited my literature review, which is still a veritable trainwreck but I was too tired to care. The theory looks better, however, and the introduction is the best thing I've ever written #goodenough. I then fell asleep reading about Edward Snowden and the USA PATRIOT Act for a presentation I have Thursday. Typical nerd action.

Like I said at the beginning, hiking is my church. I've never been good at the whole "religion" thing, mostly because I'm incredibly bad at taking leaps of faith and committing to things (the main reason I'm a double major is because I didn't want to make the hard choice between the two things I love most and fully commit to one of them). It also feels like I'd have to give up a lot of my own autonomy in committing to most of the religions that have a following on this rock in space, which is the single most important thing to me in this life. I want to feel like I have a choice. Maybe I don't. But that construction helps me get through the day. At the end of the week, all the decisions I've made are truly mine—the good, the bad, and the ugly ones.

But I feel like the point of most major religions is to give us some reason to keep living. To believe that our existence on this lonely planet has some abstract meaning or another. And maybe it's because everything is so beautiful because of the endorphins pumping through my blood, but the sky always looks bluer and the wind always feels nicer and the sun always shines a little brighter after I hike and engage with the earth. I'm not so scared about the future or about the ways that this life might turn out, and it gives me a little moment where I'm just glad to be alive. Because even through all the fear and the anxiety and the pain, there's always a moment where being alive is a beautiful and wonderful thing when you're on a hike. And I'll take that above everything.

Almost caught up for once, who am I?

Thanks for reading :)

Laziness? Sports? Talking? Who's Even Writing This Blog?

Saturday 4 April

There comes a day in April when all you want to do is hang out and sleep for three hours, and for me, that day was yesterday.

Woke up at UV, which was at first disconcerting but then the night hit me like a train. Was coerced out of bed because I was not a big fan of mornings yesterday. Oriented myself, drove home, and watched 30 Rock until I fell asleep. Score one for Mags.

After about a three hour nap, I woke up basically like this:

Everything Is Too Real

and then took a shower, feeling substantially more ready to take on the day. I ended up blogging, downloading the entire soundtrack to Her (jfc it's amazing thank you Arcade Fire for that beautiful work of art) and then Paige and I watched Thrones again (this time "The Lion and the Rose" and I had some very intense Cersei feelings (damn the Lannisters) despite the events of the Purple Wedding. I have to get it together). I managed to do a little bit of rewriting for my theory section until I decided to put on a semblance of pants (really, it was a dress but who actually cares) and headed back to Evan's to watch March Madness.

Now, I'm not in any way a sports fan. I know the difference between a basket and a goal, but that's because I'm fucking literate, not because I actually care about said points. Football is usually the only thing I come close to caring about, mostly because I was raised on patriotism and football Sundays and habits die hard with me.

This year, however, I was asked to join a March Madness pool, and I have watched a total of sixteen whole games of basketball. I chose Wisconsin to win the whole tournament, and I was a nervous wreck when they were playing Kentucky yesterday. When $10 is on the line to win or lose, it becomes a matter of life and death to me ($10 buys a lot of pizza, okay. I have priorities. Maybe not good ones, but they exist). Wisconsin won, though, so it's pretty great and I'm currently sitting in fifth place; suck it sports people. Go Badgers!

Anyway. Then I watched part of the Av's game, which was infuriating because hockey is a frustrating sport for me to watch (then again, the fact that they don't have a stoppage of play every ten seconds is refreshing). Then Bongi and his friend Ali went to a party and we stayed in to watch House of Cards, and I have a lot of feelings about Season 3. I have a soft spot for power-hungry and corrupted individuals (Cersei Lannister, Frank Underwood, Richard III) which probably stems from the fact that I read The Prince when I was like fourteen and didn't understand the far-reaching implications of Machiavellian politics. I was a precocious nerd that read too many books I didn't understand back in the day. It's exhausting.

Anyway. I then got to hang out and have a long talk about life with my boyfriend, and that was really freaking nice. I've always thoroughly enjoyed having talks with that kid, and it's fucking great to bounce the ideas that I have off someone else that inherently understands the way that I think. So yeah. I like those little talks. A lot.

Anyway. So that was Saturday: super unproductive, but sometimes that doesn't matter. It's weird for a problematic high-achiever to have a day that's really unproductive and not busy and not have it suck. Lately, that's been the case for a lot of things—I don't mind not doing things once in awhile. It's a lot like the whirling from one thing to the next—it's lovely for a hopeless wanderer to get to rest for awhile. It's really, really nice. Maybe it's not the miracle of human achievement, but it's nice. And I'll take that for now.

Thanks for reading :)

Trained Schizophrenia

Friday 3 April

Have you ever had one of those days where you're just profoundly worried about the amount of carbon dioxide in the air and you feel pretty worthless because everything you do should lend itself to fixing this really dire problem but then you just end up pretending that everything's okay through some college-type debauchery? Because that was Friday tbh.

Woke up on time for once and read a little about alkalinity before I walked over to quantum mechanics, in which I almost totally comprehended the material on Morse potentials (woo!). So that was really nice, although most of the equations we learned would have been really helpful on like Tuesday when Randall and I were slaving over our lab calculations for seven hours. Whatever.

I then had a quiz in water and soil chemistry, and basically I forgot how to math, so that will probably be a disastrous result but I get to drop one so it's kind of okay. We then learned about metal oxides and hydroxide solubility and combustion, which is where I got really worried about CO2 production. Because of the increased amount of CO2 in the atmosphere, less calcium carbonate forms because more carbonic acid does, and it's pretty worrying because that causes the acidification of the ocean and the pH goes down and then the phytoplankton and zooplankton can't form their shells and the whole balance is offset. It's worrying. I am more stressed about the fates of microscopic organisms than I am about the fact that I've got a 30 pager due in ten days. That's where my life is at.

Anyway. After that class I had a break, so I bought some Chex Mix (and my friend wasn't working at the UMC so that was pretty sad) and then hid in the stacks reading about regionalism (THE PAPER IS AMAZING I JUST CAN'T). That's how I calm myself down, by reading about normalizing institutions. I need help.

Then I went to Europe in the International System, which had us discussing the paper and I got too worked up about ASEAN so I couldn't talk. It's a weird life. I also got my paper grade back, which was substantially better than I thought it would be, which was totally okay with me. Maybe I won't fail that class after all.

After that, I met with Kim Lee to talk about my paper and he told me to get my shit together and refine my theory, so that's Sunday's plan. Fuck church, I write about trade for Easter. Hooray. I also had a meeting for the research conference, which basically left me in a state of:

My Life

so that was fun. I'm stressed, but everything is going to be fine, right? *sweats nervously*

Anyway, then the brother and sister came up and we chatted for a minute or two before they left again, and then I heated up some pizza because I'm responsible and totally have more than just crackers to eat *eats box crackers came in* and watched 30 Rock instead of being productive.

Then I went over to UV to hang out with the Boy, which was fun. We talked about school and work and how completely stressed we are for the future, which is fine because at least someone else gets it. It's honestly a little weird, having plans for every Friday and having somewhere you know that you can go to and someone that you can always count on. That's weird for me, who's always been that girl who lived her life in a chaotic whirl, spinning from one thing to the next and never stopping for long. Then again, I'm really into it. It's nice to have somewhere to rest for once.

Then we went to an ABC Party, which stands for "Anything But Cups" (not clothes, which could have been p. awkward but I'm a smart cookie and checked beforehand). It was honestly pretty fun drinking out of the Oscar statue without a shirt that my roommates got me for my 21st. Then there was Jungle Juice, which, note to self, Future Maggie, you've got your life together so stick with craft beers for god's sake because you don't need Everclear in your life. Actually, that's a good lesson for everyone: you don't need Everclear in your life. No exceptions.

I'm getting too old to party, honestly.

Anyway. Made it back home and got some well-deserved rest for once. 

There's a term we use in Norlin called "trained schizophrenia," which is the concept that even though most high achievers know that the world is falling to shit and the terrible economic conditions we live in and the fact that being alive is a dangerous thing, those same high achievers are convinced that everything is going to be totally fine. I'm a victim. And I honestly thought it was a bad thing. But honestly, you've got to believe that things might work out kind of okay, otherwise I don't see how you can go on knowing that your future lies in hanging out under a bridge muttering about the Swedish economy. You have to believe in something, honestly. And maybe once in awhile you'll have Everclear or hang out with a boy you like instead of worrying too much about CO2 emissions, but the fact is that you still care deeply about those CO2 emissions, and I think that's the point. You take a quick break. But you always come back.

Anyway. Saturday blog coming up soon!

Thanks for reading :)

Late Awakenings

Thursday 2 April

So I'm falling behind like a lot, and it's Day Two. It's been that kind of week.

I woke up on Thursday and immediately thought that the light in my room was a little bit off. I checked my phone to find that it was 9:17 AM and class was starting in thirteen minutes. Wandered around my room like a whirling dervish and ended up making it to class at 9:34 AM. I don't have anything better to do with my life than go to Middle East Politics, sue me.

We talked about the Jasmine Revolution (which is one of the only revolutions that gives me some kind of hope for the future because it is hard to be optimistic about these things) in Tunisia back in 2010-11. It's fun—they overthrew a super corrupt regime in 28 days and only 300 people died which is pretty remarkable. I love it. We also watched part of The Square, which is like the greatest documentary ever about the Egyptian portion of the Arab Spring, 10/10 always recommend.

I then spent my break doing some readings about for-profit health insurance and Oregon's Death With Dignity Act for our ethics presentations in my Norlin class, and then I went to said class to talk about those topics. It was a super uplifting class, to say the least. I had a minor existential crisis on my walk home about my impending mortality, and that was a little bit of a wakeup call because I don't have those often enough anymore.

Anyway. Chatted with Paige, nerded out because GRRM published a new Alayne chapter of The Winds of Winter (I am so excITED YOU HAVE NO IDEA), and ate some macaroni and cheese. We also decided to watch an episode of season 4 of Thrones (S4E1 "Two Swords") and I discovered that I have a lot of feelings about Tywin Lannister because I'm really good at investing my feelings into fictional characters (and really, S4 Tywin is the best Tywin—it's so hard for him to actually relinquish control and all of his children are finally rebelling and everything is slipping away from his iron grasp and it's amazing and it's just the best family dynamic; I'm not sorry that I really like those problematic blonde assholes). Anyway.

We also tried to get people to go out with us for Marg Night, but that didn't happen because all of our drinking buddies were actually doing things—so then Paige and I watched Girls and I wrote up case studies on ASEAN and Mercosur (don't even talk to me about ASEAN; it's the most inefficient set of institutions but the best example of decoupling in the international realm), then I read a little bit about regionalism (it was a really, really good paper), ordered and ate a pizza, and retired.

So yeah. That was Thursday. Not very exciting, nor was it very productive, and it just kinda felt off the whole day due to the late awakening. Whatever. Welcome to the blog.

Friday blog should be more interesting, coming soon! Thanks for reading :)

Blog Every Day April: Volume VII

Wednesday 1 April

"April is upon us, pitiless and young and harsh." (Edna St. Vincent Millay)

Welcome to Blog Every Day April: Volume VII! As the name suggests, I blog every day in April because I am, above all, a creature of habit and this outdated digital platform helps me from wanting to throw myself off the bridge that makes a leminscate over Varsity Lake on my way home from class. Also, it lets my mom know that I'm still doing kind of ok even though I never respond to her text messages (sorry, Mom). Call your moms, kids!

To the new readers, welcome! To the old ones, sorry! Thanks for coming back!

Basically, a lot of stuff happens in April. Mostly, it's the time of year when all my backlogged work starts to catch up to me. It's a month of transition, between winter and summer, the beginning of the end of the semester, the thrill of deadline work done well and panic over not doing something before said deadline. It's a juxtaposition in terms, and it's my favorite time of year. I try and usually fail to be a real person.

I've also noticed that I've been writing very poorly lately (case in point: the lab I handed in today was titled "I'm Tired, Something to Do With Carbon Monoxide") and that cannot happen because writing is number three on the list of things I truly excel at, behind consuming pizza and making mixtapes. This blog usually whips me into shape for the last push of the semester. Also, I've got a huge paper that will decide my future due in 14 days, so hooray for productive procrastination!

This year, you'll hear a lot about my love for quantum mechanics even though I don't understand it, water and soil chemistry (meh), Europe in the international system (now in the regionalism section hell yeah!), Middle Eastern politics (I promise not too many rants), and the fuckery in my Norlin class (haven't had that existential crisis yet, uh-oh). You'll also get a lot about trade. I love trade. I love it so much that I'm writing 30 pages on it. Yay.

I adore the Lannisters. Get over it. I drink far too much caffeine, which is a problem. I love dogs and occasionally get too excited and fall over when I see one. Sometimes I hike and/or ski, but mostly I sit in bed without pants on and watch 30 Rock. America is my ultimate problematic fave. Once, I bought a vegetable, and then I cooked the vegetable and ate it. Also, today I got locked out of my apartment and talked to a cat for ten minutes, so that's the mental place I'm in.

Blogs on Thursday will be late because that is Marg Night (where you get to hang out with a Marg (that's me, btw) and also drink $4 margs at the Rio—I am an adult and can do that) and Marg Night is Sacred. Also probably Fridays and Saturdays because I have what has been referred to as a "social life," even though it's mostly us sitting around drinking craft beers and talking about films. Whatever. I'll take it.

That's it. That's the blog.

I am the ultimate cynic, honestly. I've seen too much reality to believe that something good can actually, truly work in this world. My fields remind me of the fact that things consistently fall apart and someone has to lose, and there is nothing you can do to stop the inevitable progression toward decay and heartbreak. I do not believe in happy endings.

However, I've reached a point in my life where I care a lot about happy nows. That's what April is—a collection of happy nows that I want to remember. Maybe it's a phrase, maybe it's the way that the light filters through the trees, maybe it's the fact that Nigeria's elections just happened, or maybe it's just the way that I feel right now. It truly is a marvelous time to be alive, and I want to remember that. That's what April is for me. And I hope you'll come on the ride too.

Thanks for reading, and cheers to April :)