Feel the Bern: My Thoughts on Sanders 2016

Friday 26 June

Hey friends. Guess what it's early election season and I'm procrastinating my honors thesis, so you get whatever the hell this is hooray it's better than Thrones nerd rage.

Here's a quick disclaimer: I'm a staunch Democrat. I've been one since I was nine (the Iraq War really did a number on me), so it's pretty engrained in my psyche. The political climate I was brought up in doesn't help this—it's polarizing, and I'm sorry. This post will be biased. I get if you don't want to be friends with me or whatever, but just remember that I love politics more than cheese, and I'll always listen to what you have to say, even if we disagree. That's my favorite part of this stupid discipline I'm signing my life away to. I'd be excited to engage in a healthy debate with you—just don't spam my damn Facebook wall or follow me around saying, "Shame, shame, shame," and ringing a bell like that septa from Game of Thrones.

My Life In Politics

Okay. Disclaimer over.

So on Saturday evening, I had the absolute privilege to head down to Denver with one of my poli sci friends (because my main politics hoe is in Europe thanks Dani) and watch Bernie Sanders talk about his plan for America.

Now, when Bernie announced that he was running, I was a little skeptical (mostly because Hillary Clinton is bae and one of my favorite problematic people on this planet). I didn't give him much thought, especially because he is super against PACs which make up most of the campaign finance in this country and running a grassroots campaign is incredibly difficult in this day and age thanks to fucking Citizens United v. FEC (*throws self out window* Like guys I hate this decision almost as much as Plessey v. Ferguson or Civil Rights Cases (1886) it's the worst). I thought the nomination for Hillary was pretty uncontested.

Now, I'm not so sure.

Granted, campaign rallies are basically just propaganda and rhetoric with few actual policy proposals. They aren't a foolproof guarantee of how the candidate will perform in office because of a stagnant Congress and a problematic political climate in America. It's not supposed to be a sticking set of proposals—rallies exist to get you to funnel money at a candidate. There's nothing to lose. It's probably why I get so excited about them. Like, a candidate can just espouse ideology without fear of pushback because the policy doesn't exist yet. I love words and rhetoric and American ideals, so it's really fucking fun. Go to a campaign rally if you're ever sad about American politics and you'll leave with some merch and a spring in your step. 10/10 always recommend.

Precious Cinnamon Roll Too Good,
Too Pure for America

Anyway. There was a huge turnout for Bernie on Saturday. Over 5,000 people RSVP'd, and we filled up the entire DU gymnasium, down to standing room only. People were sitting outside on the lax field and watching him on a giant screen. It was impressive.

I left feeling predictably excited and briefly convinced that hey, maybe there are decent people left in this world after all.

Bernie Sanders is a candidate that runs on a cause. His campaign is never about Bernie, it's about the issues. His campaign is never about the fact that he's an Independent senator running in the Democratic party, it's never about his years in Congress, it's never about him. It's about you.

The Sanders campaign tackles the issues we face every day as Americans—it's about the income and wealth gap, it's about jobs and putting you back to work, it's about women getting access to contraception, it's about people getting to love who they love without legal pushbacks, it's about homeless youth, it's about getting you a living wage, it's about affordable healthcare for all, it's about ending mass incarceration of African Americans, it's about climate change, it's about campaign finance reform, and it's about America being great again, because everyone in this country deserves a fighting chance. It's about you. Individual Americans. And that's remarkable. The only thing I disagreed with him on was trade policies, because he's not super into the whole trade liberalization thing which is my fucking jam (which is my blessing and my curse as an international political economy nerd).

Bernie Sanders is basically everything I've ever wanted in a candidate. He talks about issues that aren't ever brought up, his whole campaign is grassroots funded, he has a solid platform that I really support, and he has kind of a plan for all the policy directives he wants to implement. Listening to him talk was very self-indulgent of me, because for a couple of minutes I got to really believe in something again. For a couple of minutes, I was like "Hey, maybe something good can work. Maybe this won't suck."

I'm not sure when I became so pessimistic about politics. I love America and its politics so much, and you'd think that I could get super optimistic about shit that I care about deeply. I think that's part of it—if something means a lot to me, I'm going to assume the worst. It's better to assume too little and be stoked that things don't totally suck than it is to have your hopes high and get them crushed. Which is why that while I love everything that Bernie Sanders is proposing, I don't know if it's actually going to work in this climate, and that breaks my crooked heart.

I want to believe in a candidate like Bernie Sanders. I want to jump on his campaign and donate some of my Kroger stock to him. I want him to be president, and I want his policies to get full approval (except I would like to try and convince him otherwise on the trade stuff tbh). I would excrete a sizable chunk of masonry if that happened. I really think it would make this country that I love more than anything else in this universe a better place. But I don't know if I can, because it seems too optimistic for someone like me. Ultimately, I don't know what to think. I'm a lot like Dana Scully—I want to believe, I'm just not sure if I can.

The takeaway from this rambling political post from yours truly is that there is an enormous amount of good in the Sanders campaign. Even if he doesn't win the nomination, Bernie Sanders is important and is a force to be reckoned with. Bernie taking this incredible leap of faith with the American people means that he gets voters talking about marginalized issues and presents a viable alternative to the conventional wisdom and tired old conversations—if one person on the ticket talks about these things in a debate, everyone else will be forced to bring their ideas to the table. And by debate season, if the American public is still interested, it's going to be damn hard brush a tidal wave of voices calling for answers off with some fancy rhetoric.

Bernie Sanders also does a damn good job in convincing even a cynic like me that I deserve someone that will fight for me. All of you do, my fellow Americans. You deserve someone that puts you first. That's what a good elected official is supposed to do. You deserve someone that will try and tackle the issues that are rarely talked about but present deep and problematic divisions instead of the tired old party politics. You deserve someone that will actually fight for liberty and justice for all. Whether you vote for Bernie Sanders or Hillary Clinton or Jeb Bush or Rand Paul or me in seventeen years (Rose 2032!), you deserve that, above anything else, from your choice or candidate. You have so much power in this republic, and you deserve people in office that will respect that. Remember that moving forward.

So yeah. Moving forward I want to try and get to as many rallies as possible before primary season begins—living in Colorado, a swing state, we're going to get a lot of people coming through, and that at least excites me. If you want to go or hear of stuff let me know and I can be ambivalent unlike your candidates that will stand for things that matter (I will stop being Kierkegaard's worst nightmare by 2032 don't worry).

Yeah. Democracy. Changing the world. The ultimate problematic fave America. Life is grand, folks.

Thanks for reading :)

Nerd Rage: Sansa Stark Edition

Tuesday 19 May


OKAY KIDS SIT YOUR ASSES DOWN CAUSE THIS BLOG IS GOING TO BE A WILD RIDE FROM START TO FINISH. I AM CURRENTLY AN UNEMPLOYED, ANXIETY-FUELED BALL OF NERD RAGE AND SEXUAL FRUSTRATION, SO HERE COMES ALL THAT RAGE, THANK YOU GAME OF THRONES AND A PROBABLY TORN MENISCUS.

So, you guys know how much I love Game of Thrones. Like, I fucking love Game of Thrones. This show was integral to recovering my self-worth throughout my sophomore year, and watching and then reading this series was truly an epistemically transformative experience. I'm not the same person that I was in October 2013. It means a lot to me. I'm so happy that there exists a series that fuses magic AND politics and has problematic female leads (talk shit about Cersei Lannister to me and I will cut you) and also subverts fantasy tropes and has SO MANY FEMALE CHARACTERS (I'm looking at you, LOTR, like really Tolkien do you actually hate women?) and more generally so many damned good and flawed and deep characters that I care about a lot. I finished Harry Potter back in the day and thought that I probably could never get more invested in a series than I was in that.

I was wrong. Nowadays, I care mostly about politics, cheese, hiking, and Lannisters.

I Made a Margaery Tyrell Costume By Hand
I'm Not Fucking Around

I started Season Five with all my friends and I was SO EXCITED—despite the fact that my beloved Dorne storyline has been perverted (probably another subject for another post) and left a bad, bad taste in my mouth, I was at worst mildly peeved. The characterization of Loras Tyrell gets to me, as do the inconsistencies with Jaime Lannister, but this season was going SO WELL. All of the episodes have been really quite strong thematically, the lore and worldbuilding that's being done is super exciting (Volantis!!! The Tourney at Harrenhall!!! Greyscale!!! R+L=J!!!! Hell, we even got to see Valyria!!), LANNISTERS ARE EVERYWHERE, and all of the actors are performing spectacularly and are a genuine pleasure to watch (even with the same old monologues we've heard since season 3)—there are hints of Anne Boleyn in Natalie Dormer's performance of Marg and that pleases me especially.

I was pleasantly surprised—last season left me kind of bitter with the altar scene debacle with the Lannister twins, the continued deviations from the books, and I went fucking bananas after Lady Stoneheart failed to appear. It seemed like I could enjoy the show and not have to worry about the inconsistencies between show and book and I was having a damn good time with it.

And then Sunday happened. And this show I love broke my crooked heart.

Nothing with Ramsay Snow-Bolton is ever okay. I get that. Jeyne Poole's storyline in A Dance With Dragons is horrifying, and it's arguably the worst part of the book. It beats the cannibalism by a long shot. I didn't think that the show would portray that, given the Harrenhall changes to Arya in Season 2. I was hoping they'd cut it altogether and maybe have like Theon save Shireen to gain back his agency or something, and that Sansa's biggest threat would be Petyr Baelish in the Vale.

But by episode two, it became abundantly clear that they were going to put Sansa Stark in Jeyne Poole's place. At this point, I was more worried for Sansa Stark than I was for my five finals. With all the actors talking about some "traumatic scene," my hopes were not high, and with the final scene of this episode all the excitement I had was fucking crushed.

The rape of Sansa Stark is something that I am not willing to forgive. It strips her of all the agency she gained by the end of last season; hell, it strips her of the agency that she gained this episode when she told Myranda to fuck off because Winterfell is her home and she isn't afraid. Pursuing this storyline at all for Sansa Stark means that they cut out all of the growth and rich development that she undergoes in the Vale as Alayne Stone, and replaces it with this shit. Something awful was bound to happen to her, because she's in an enemy camp and she's just married another one of the sadists in the Game of Thrones universe. But the writers didn't have to write this of all things for her.

I didn't think they would rape Sansa Stark. Sansa Stark, who is fourteen at the oldest using a barely legal actress. What the everloving fuck. It's been argued that this rape is treated with the gravity it deserves, but that doesn't make it okay. At all. After last season, when they most unceremoniously shat upon the character development of both the Lannister twins (the ultimate blonde problematic faves) in that godawful sept scene and the fan backlash that resulted from that, I didn't think they would rape Sansa Stark and probably mishandle the aftermath just like they did last season.

I especially thought they wouldn't rape Sansa Stark just to more fully lead to the development of male character Theon Greyjoy. Granted, Theon's storyline isn't good either. But did Sansa Stark's rape have to be the impetus for him to develop? Is that the worst pain that they can inflict upon a man? Did they really have to rape Sansa Stark? OF COURSE NOT. I AM LIVID. LIVID.

I am tired of watching you abuse female characters, Game of Thrones. I am sick and tired of having female characters raped and abused just to develop storylines that can be handled in less sexualized ways. I am tired of having rape and violence against women used as a plot device. I am tired of seeing rape used as a shock factor to make an already gritty show so much worse. I am tired of seeing violence against and the rape of women that have so much more to offer (and should matter on its own) being used to further the development of male characters. I am tired of hearing "it could have been worse," "it was a choice," and "she'll have to get through it" when it comes to rape on TV and on film.

You can't keep perpetuating abuse and violence and rape in a show like this that's so near and dear to people, and then be shocked when they are desensitized to the very real and salient issues of rape and sexual assault. I know that it's probably not an epidemic, but it hardly shines a light into the dark void of a society that already has problems respecting the autonomy that each individual has over their body. It's not a matter to be taken lightly. I am sick and tired of having to watch shit like this over and over on a show that I love when it doesn't add a goddamn thing to the story except for man pain. I'm tired of it. I'm tired of having to explain why I'm tired of it and why I'm still so profoundly bothered and consistently negatively affected by it whenever it comes up in media. This matters. Especially to me.

I'm one angry fan, and I'm sure that most people will say that I'm overreacting and that it's not that big of a deal because it's a fucking TV show, but the more I thought about it the angrier I got and I had to say something. I don't get angry unless it's election season or the United States makes a monumentally stupid policy directive, so this is pretty exceptional. This is something that matters to me on a very personal level and I've been pretty quiet about it for awhile—but lately this thing that matters to me also has started to matter to a lot of other people and that's really encouraging.

I also probably tore my goddamn meniscus walking in the fucking rain and almost everyone I know is in Europe or working right now, so I don't have anything else to do since I can't hike or converse with people or do other assorted nerd things. Life is hard as an unemployed research nerd, believe me.

Thank you for reading. Really. Thank you. :)

PS: I'll do an April recap soon, I just don't know when. Things got ridiculous at the end of this year and I'm trying to get my shit together.

Sometimes I Know Exactly What I'm Doing

Friday 17 April

Surprisingly enough, Friday morning had me waking up without an alarm very early. I even got to watch an episode of 30 Rock before class. What a day.

Started off the day with some more about thermally populated states in Quantum, and then we moved on to something about partition functions, which merges quantum mechanics with thermodynamics so yaay synergy (is that how you use that word? whatever). It's interesting, albeit super confusing, but I'll take it. Water and soil chemistry had us talking some more about coordination complexes, which was a little dry but it's infinitely better than carbonate systems so I'm okay with that. After that, I hung out in the library and read about Mercosur, and the paper mentioned DSMs so I was stoked.

I need to get a life.

Anyway, Europe in the International System was grand because we were talking about Mercosur and also how European influence happens across regions. I totally nailed the quiz because I've got this regionalism shit on lockdown. Sometimes I know exactly what I'm doing.

I also woke up to a text on Friday morning that said, "pay christ 4 marg," which translated from drunk-me means, "Pay Crissie back for the margarita she bought you." So I went over to Norlin and had a lovely chat with my best friend, where we looked at shoes and cats and talked about boyfriends and life and the fact that she's graduating and how I can't fucking handle that, because even after all the crap we've put each other through, I still need her a lot. She's one of my favorite people to talk to even after eight (almost nine, holy shit) years of endless conversations and even though we're as different as the sun and moon when it comes to our constitutions, but I love that about us. She's always the Clark to my Lewis, and even though the Sacagaweas change through the years, we're still us, and we'll still have too many adventures that don't make any sense and we'll be there for each other when things are good and bad and downright ugly. I love that girl, suffice it to say.

Then I went home, ate the rest of my damn queso, and took a brief nap. Then, Evan asked me if I wanted to grab dinner with his mom and I said yes (?) (like honestly I've never really made it this far in a real relationship this was a big deal and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't panicking). I took a ridiculously fast shower, and then ended up getting ready in ten minutes. I looked like a real person and everything. Weird. That never happens, tbh.

We then had dinner with the lovely Nan Eller, whom I met in the capacity of being "Evan's girlfriend" and not "that slightly unbalanced looking girl that rambled about quantum mechanics at graduation," and that was a really good time. I was once described as "charming," and so I tried not to be awkward, which was easier than usual. Those two made it easy, for which I am eternally grateful.

I got my life sort of together, and then drove back over to UV, where we watched hockey (I think I'm kind of starting to enjoy it, which is troubling to say the least) and drank a beer. We then went to the store and bought soda because I am incapable of taking shots at all (getting too old for this shit tbh), and then I made a big girl drink (I'm kidding it was definitely a Red Bull Vodka), and then put on my Swedish clothes and headed out with the squad to Brett's Swedish Themed Party. Ja!

An Overstatement of my Mindset

Anyway. Somehow I ended up holding three beers at once and subsequently drinking said beers, which is where my life is apparently headed. College, kids. One second you're having an informed discussion about the Republican candidates for President, the next you're drinking three PBRs at once. Life gets weird, tbh. You still get that wondrous duality, though. Sometimes it gets old, but sometimes it's not awful.

Socializing. Ja!

We then caught an Uber home, which was pretty great even though we definitely had more people than was allowed. Don't drive or bike drunk, kids! Take an Uber! And do it late at night, the fares decrease exponentially! Stay hydrated! Make good choices! (says the living train wreck)

So yeah, that's all I have for April. I'll follow up soon, sorry, things got insane and I slacked off and watched too much 30 Rock and slept too much and socialized with too many people.

Having a life? Me? What?

Thanks for reading :)

Roll With It

Thursday 16 April

Fun fact: Winter is always coming. The Starks are sometimes more correct than the Lannisters. You will never hear me say that again, so enjoy it.

Woke up and drove home as the snow was beginning to fall, then took a shower AND finished a paper on the nukes panel I went to. I was more productive by eight AM than I ever have been. It was impressive tbh.

Made a poor footwear choice and didn't waterproof the boots, and so I was substantially more grumpy when I rolled into Middle East Politics than I usually am when it snows (I love the cold. I love the snow. It needs to be winter ALWAYS). However, that was negated because Greg talked about the Turkish Protests of 2k13, and that was freaking awesome. I got the same talk last year in Revolutions and Political Violence, and that was the single light on one Tuesday when I hated O-Chem and also my life. Thanks, Greg. I may have dozed off at the end because of a severe caffeine deficit, but whatever. I have the notes I took last year. Good enough.

Anyway. Then I did some footnoting on my paper and read about improv on my break, and then I headed to my Norlin class, where we got to do improv with Katy Craig, aka the messenger for my failed Boettcher Scholarship endeavor. I expected to hate it, because I'm me. I hate spontaneity and am remarkably bad at thinking on my feet and articulating coherently and also being clever in a specific instant. I almost called in sick.

However, like a lot of things lately, I was pleasantly surprised.

We started with a few games, and then we did some scenes, and then a couple of activities where we were paired off and in teams. Most of it had to do with getting comfortable with the group we were in, which was pretty easy because my group is hella chill. I haven't laughed that hard in a long time during a class. I love it. However, the bigger takeaway was that the games all had to do with relinquishing control—you couldn't talk during some of them, sometimes you had to agree with everything another person said, and vice versa, and sometimes the control of your arms was taken away. You lost some degree of autonomy, which was also pretty paralyzing for someone like me.

It was a lot of fun, however. I loved the way that you had to adapt to a situation or go with a flow, and there were a lot more interpersonal dynamics that I didn't know I had the ability to read, and this brought it out a little bit. If you're given even a little bit of direction or a constraint, it becomes a lot easier to create. Apparently, businesses are using it as strategies for innovation, which I found mind-boggling at first, but it became easier to sit with that idea.

Because it's true. You have to relinquish some control over every outcome, and you have to learn to adapt to different situations, and you have to create within certain parameters.

I'm not going to be the next Tina Fey, but I did learn that I didn't hate improv. You've got to roll with it. If you're interested, the troupe is the Bovine Metropolis Theater, so if you want to like go to a show or take a class or whatever, let me know, and I may be up for it depending on the time and the project constraints.

Anyway. Then I went home and watched Tina Fey in 30 Rock (I have a problem) and took a two hour nap because I am a responsible adult.

I woke up ready for a night in from the cold and the snow and basically ready for this:

Lemon Understands

When I woke up that I was craving queso, and so I decided to order in chile con queso from the Rio because it is literally the greatest queso I've ever had. I eat a lot of cheese, so that statement is a Big Deal. So I was waiting for that wrapped in my blanket, and literally FOUR SECONDS AFTER I PLACED MY ORDER Joe was like "When are we meeting?" and I was like "Are you fucking kidding me?" but acquiesced to have them come over. We were watching Skyfall and I was stuffing cheese in my face when Joe and Connor arrived, and I felt like a nerd. Welcome to my life.

Then I put on real pants (THE THINGS I DO TO SOCIALIZE) and we headed out into the cold to the Rio (where, if you'll recall, I'd just ordered queso from). It was bro night for us, and so naturally we talked about climate change and population growth because we're socially conscientious. This is why I hang out with nerds. We also met some of Connor's friends, and then complained about chemistry. Crissie was also there, and so I went and hung out with her and Lindsey and Crissie's Boy Adam, who is a character and knew more people at the bar than Crissie did. It was nothing short of remarkable. We left by 11:15 and I was in bed by midnight after getting so drunk that I had to go off on Joe when he mentioned Cersei Lannister. What a world we live in.

Anyway. The latter part of my day was in fact an application of the first part—this doesn't happen unless it's in like Sex and the City or something, and plot points are meticulously crafted. BUT HEY LOOK IT'S HAPPENING IN MY LIFE NO I'M DEFINITELY NOT A CARRIE.

You have to roll with it. That's what I learned. You have to say yes to opportunities that come up, and you have to take the plunge no matter what. There will always be days for Night Cheese, but sometimes you have to go out for Marg Night. Sometimes, you have to say yes. I understand that saying "no" is also healthy, and I respect that more than anything. But once in awhile, you do something different and unexpected if the opportunity presents itself. I've been getting marginally better at this in the last year, and it's literally changed my life—going to Marg Night, participating in improv day, participating in class; these are marginal benefits that have made me less of an angry cynic. As much fun as being an angry cynic is, sometimes it's nice to feel alright.

So next time the opportunity presents itself, roll with it. Maybe something good can work.

Thanks for reading :)

False Summits

Wednesday 15 April

This was the day that I have predicted that the world will truly come to an end, because the RMS Titanic finished sinking in 1912, Abraham Lincoln was pronounced dead in 1865, and it's Tax Day. These are surely harbingers of doom.

I was certainly hoping for a doomsday scenario when I woke up considering the amount of work that I had to get done by Wednesday, and that was pretty well founded. The damn planet kept turning, though. I woke up early and read about carbonate systems, and then headed over to Quantum Mechanics, where I had an exam on statistical mechanics, which isn't quite as bad as it sounds tbh. Good times.

Then I went to Water and Soil Chemistry and bemoaned the fact that I finished another exam 10 minutes before I came to class in a futile attempt to move that exam to Friday; there was, however, no cigar. That test was pretty brutal. I still hate buffers from the depths of my being.

Took a break and bought myself some candy because I fucking deserved it after a double header chemistry exam binge—I do not recommend that to anyone. This has been a public service announcement from future president Maggie Rose. Anyway. Ended up reading about the Andean Pact and regionalism in North America, which wasn't quite as fun as it could have been.

Europe and the International System was pretty radical, though. Jupille asked if there were any domestic reasons that a country would sign onto a regional agreement, and I was like "LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT DOMESTIC INSTITUTIONS NERDS," so that was a helluva mic drop on my part. I was mostly fucking stoked because hey, 12 more people get to care about DSMs in PTAs!

I Haven't Seen Much of This Show But I'm P. Sure
Annie Is My Spirit Animal

I am literally the coolest person I promise.

After that, I headed to lab, where I successfully wrote programming code. I'll add it to the resume. We also worked with a microcontroller that was called the "Board of Education" and I actually lost my shit laughing for ten minutes. I am very tired. Do not judge me.

Then I came home and watched 30 Rock because I deserved it after a long day of exams, and then I wrote half a paper. I then headed to orchestra and got some constructive procrastination and active leisure (I would advertise the concert but this is ex-post-facto so sorry. Long week, people). I love those 2.5 hours a week playing my bass. I didn't realize how necessary it was until I stopped playing the thing my freshman year, and now that it's back I don't really want to give it up again.

Anyway. Then I went to UV and got to hang out with the Boy and Company watching the Blackhawks game (THE THINGS I DO FOR LOVE) which actually turned out to be hella stressful even for a hockey novice. We then watched Modern Family. I was too tired to drive home (understandably) so I crashed there for the night. It was fucking great to see those kids mid-week instead of going five days between sightings. Contrary to popular belief, I do indeed need to have social contact with people, especially those that I'm in a relationship with. I'm bad at texting, and I prefer face-to-face contact over everything, and it's damn nice to talk about life and laugh at the "Board of Education" and just be with someone. I like that a lot.

I highly doubt, however, it'll become a norm, because it's the end of the semester when sleep is scarce and life is hell.

Days like these are honestly more like false summits than anything else—I always get this like high after I finish an exam and feel like it gives me license to like blow everything off and pretend that I don't have eight other assignments that I haven't started and will not finish. Like, you're not even close to being done with the climb, and that's frustrating because you still have a long-ass way to go. In hiking, they are more of a disappointment (I legitimately cried on Mt. Elbert when we kept running into them).

You never get anywhere, however, without a few moments to stop and catch your breath. Maybe that's the value in false summits—it's not the top, but it's a nice place to sit for awhile or take a nap (10/10 always recommend), and you can enjoy the view from where you are before you continue up the slope.   It's the only way you can keep going up the damn mountain without wanting to jump off the edge. You need a place to rest, and you need time to catch your breath. So enjoy those false summits.

Getting caught up I've got this!

Thanks for reading :)

Road to Nowhere

Tuesday 14 April

Happy last day until the end of the world!

Let's see. Last Tuesday Middle East Politics was cancelled, so I got to sleep in until 9:30, which made me dangerously awake for the rest of the day. My philosophy when classes get cancelled is that I'm not going to get any work done during that time period allotted to class anyway, so why the hell would I be productive when I don't have to be? So sleep it was, and then I did some reading about insider trading and also Marco Rubio (who also announced his candidacy and I just don't know how to feel about it—tbh I think it might be Romney 2.0 when the GOP takes a good candidate and drives them far too right to be a feasible option).

Anyway.

Took a leisurely stroll over to campus, bought a Rockstar and hid in the basement of the library reading "Reversal of Fortune," which it turns out wasn't actually due but fuck it YOLO. It stressed me out a lot, and so Norlin class was a lot worrisome, tbh.

We ended up talking about insider trading and how perceptions are most definitely distorted by wealth and status and how maybe it didn't even occur to Martha Stewart that what she was doing was a bad thing. Which is scary, and honestly with the way the case was presented I was pretty horrified that she was targeted in the way she was. I know for a fact that I have a bias against the wealthy—you don't work at a country club where they treat you like dirt for five years and escape without one. It's hard to see through that to see that they're still people like you with hopes and fears and dreams and are fallible. But you have to in order to build a more just world, which is problematic for me.

Anyway. Went home, watched some 30 Rock and ordered a pizza with my last $10, because it fed me for three days. Then Paige came home and we talked about our boyfriends and our classes and how done we are with school, and then I put pants back on and went to the library. I made a bomb study sheet for Quantum Mechanics, and then halfheartedly studied my Water Chem notes before I did my bibliography for my paper. Finished work at the library's closing time, and wandered home wondering how on earth people could actually party on a fucking Tuesday night.

So for my Norlin final project this year, I have to tell a digital story about my career trajectory and my hollow values that I may or may not compromise on depending on the situation, and I literally don't know where to start. I wrote a professional autobiography about how I almost got to play the Swan Queen but then I blew my knee out so that didn't get to happen, and I guess the lessons of duality you learn from the Swan Queen carry over into my dual roles as a politician and a scientist. It was a lot of rubbish, honestly.

I don't know. For the first time in my life, I have no idea where I'm headed. At all. I don't have a plan for the summer, I don't have a plan for graduate school, I don't have a plan for my career. And that's scary for someone like me, who's had her life planned out almost from the get-go. My only purpose throughout my childhood was to get into college, and now that I've done that, I don't know what to do. I'm sick of giving that answer, but it's the truth. I don't know what to do.

The dancer metaphor honestly seems very inauthentic, too, because that's not who I am anymore—I'm not the perfectionist, I don't jump when someone tells me to, I don't live my life for a single role. Granted, it's still a part of me—I look for rhythms and for patterns and for symmetry and aesthetics, but that isn't who I am. Which is also hard, because it was me for a long time. I guess I don't really know who I am, either. And it's ridiculous—I don't have to fit a single archetype, but now that I don't it's infinitely messier, and that's also frightening.

And somehow, it's okay. I'm learning how to live within this chaos of my life and my choices or lack thereof, and even though I may be on a road to nowhere, I'm having a damn good time with it. Despite everything, I'm okay. And that's something they'll never teach you in school, honestly.

On a roll, I'll be done soon.

Thanks for reading :)

Problematic High Achievers

Monday 13 April

HAPPY BIRTHDAY THOMAS JEFFERSON!! THANK YOU GOOGLE CALENDARS FOR THAT FUN FACT!!!

The Most Rad of Presidents

Anyway. Yesterday was kind of bullshit but whatever, I got a lot of stuff done.

Woke up later than intended, neglected my paper until I rolled in early for Quantum Mechanics, and did some review for the exam on Wednesday, which means it's time to panic yaaay. Then I walked over to Water and Soil Chemistry and finished learning about complexation and coordination chemistry according to my notes, which is nice because that is the only thing I remember from AP Chem, thanks Mrs. Anderson. A kid also managed to fall asleep, which was nothing short of remarkable because there were literally four students in the room. I love undergrads!

Then I read about regionalism in the Western Hemisphere, aka NAFTA and Mercosur my favourite regional trade agreements. After that, I did some research and footnoting about Mercosur and ASEAN (*frustrated stamping*). So that was my break.

After that, headed over to Europe and the International System, where the discussion we had about regionalism led to a major breakthrough with regards to the paper, and that was fucking great, because after that class I spent another hour in the library writing up the abstract and conclusion, and finished off the precursor to my honors thesis at 27 pages and 7,907 words of text about dispute settlement mechanisms. I am a scholar! I am good at things!

Me Doing Things

Then I took a three hour nap because I like to avoid my responsibilities (another paper, a lab, two exams) with sleeping to 30 Rock after eating pizza rolls.

After that, I tried halfheartedly to do work that's due but I have a hard time producing quality work without a lot of pressure behind me regarding deadlines. Welcome to the mind of a problematic high achiever, where it's either the crippling fear of failure, genuine laziness and apathy, or the knowledge that our best work is performed just before the buzzer sounds that makes us put things off until the last minute. Even we don't know why our brains work the way they do—I've conducted several intensive studies on the matter (by which I mean I talked to other nerds on Facebook that should have been writing their Poet Casebooks at four in the morning on the day they were due our senior year of high school and we all ended up getting 100% and "I can tell you put a lot of time into this." Yeah. Sure. We'll go with that). So I ended up watching 30 Rock and reading about Hillary.

I like high achievers a lot. I'm a little biased—we would always cause a little too much trouble when we'd get bored with watching Between the Lions in 2nd grade (I will always hold a huge grudge against Jeffco for consistently forcing me to watch that fucking crap. I KNEW WHAT A VERB WAS I WAS READING AND ANALYZING NANCY DREW AT AGE SEVEN OK). I'll always also have a huge bias against No Child Left Behind (of the three Rose kids, it's questionable that only Mason benefitted from that legislation, and 1/3 isn't exactly the success rate you want) because it doesn't let anyone do any more than the bare minimum. I hated that. I was stifled by it. I had a lot of good teachers that let me learn advanced math and read at a tenth grade level in fifth grade and put me on an ALP, but nobody really knew what to do with the kids that were straining at the leash.

AP and honors helped in high school. I could do what I wanted, when I wanted. I was challenged for the first time in my life. That was rad. I was excited to learn, because for once I could. I wasn't limited by my peers. There wasn't a glass ceiling that I had to bat against anymore.

Until there was.

That's when it starts. The "all these people are expecting me to know when the church split into Eastern Orthodox and Catholicism," the "just five more minutes of cramming for this test I know front and back and then I can sleep," the "I'll probably be fine with Sparknotes, but I'll read Heart of Darkness just in case," the "I can't fail because people don't expect me to."

Which is when it becomes problematic. Because you don't want to be that failure. You've always been too big to fail. You're the high achiever. You can't not achieve. That's not you.

And yeah, maybe I'm a little bit of a Type A and I thought expectations were higher than they actually were and maybe it's because I'm a girl and have to work harder to convince people that I am to be taken seriously. But that made me fucking miserable when I had to confront the fact that I could indeed fail. When you're in that role, you assume that even if you fail because you're a human and sometimes there's a little too much going on psychologically that can prevent you from doing quality work, it's stigmatized. You're bad. It's not right.

I guess what I'm saying is that nobody ever taught me that it was okay to fail and to not be good at something. And only after a couple of really traumatic experiences did I ever learn that, and that's unhealthy and I will be perpetually bitter about that.

It's okay to fail. There is nothing wrong with you just because you failed a test or didn't get the guy or didn't get into Yale. Repeat that, high achievers. It is perfectly fine to have your biggest accomplishment for the day be "getting out of bed" or "didn't burn my grilled cheese." Make me repeat that, because sometimes I forget it a lot.

Okay. Rant over.

I'm going to catch up on the blog I promise, though I'm over a week behind and have hella papers to write so it's questionable.

Thanks for reading :)

I Only Care About Politics and Lannisters

Sunday 12 April

Almost caught up, I love this interspersing blogs with homework thing!

We woke up late yesterday, which was a real problem because Evan and Davis had like 10 minutes to meet their homework group. I gave them a lift to the EC, and then went to the store. Sometimes a girl needs 2 donuts, a bag of chips, a Rockstar, and an imitation crab sushi roll at 10 AM, and I have no shame in admitting that girl is me.

Procrastinated for awhile watching 30 Rock because I'm an adult, and then I took a shower and cleaned the Pit that is also referred to as my room, so yay. Productive procrastination is the one thing I excel at.

THEN HILLARY CLINTON ANNOUNCED SHE WAS RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT AND I'M SO EXCITED!!!!!!!! I DIDN'T THINK SHE WOULD ACTUALLY DO IT BUT YOU KNOW WHAT I AM STOKED!! IF SHE PICKS ELIZABETH WARREN AS HER VEEP I WILL LOSE MY SHIT AND I CAN TRULY DIE HAPPY!!!!!!!!! I WANT TO SEE WHO ELSE WILL RUN! COME ON DEMOCRATS!!!!! WHAT A TIME TO BE ALIVE!!!!!!!\

I LOVE THIS COUNTRY!!

Then I went to the library and talked to Crissie about life, creeped on her boyfriend because we are mature and responsible humans, and bought twenty one pilots tickets for Red Rocks in September, which is going to be amazing because she's my favorite person to go to concerts with and twenty one pilots is a fucking rad show. We saw them at Big Gig this year and basically died from collective awesomeness.

Then I spent awhile in the library doing some data analysis on STATA and wrote nine pages in three hours, so I'm what has been described as "not bad" at writing.

Actual Footage of Me Writing My Research Paper

I then strolled over from the library to UV, where we gathered on Evan's couch and began watching season five of the shitshow that is Game of Thrones.

I must admit, I was pleasantly surprised, mostly because

SO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
MANY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
LANNISTERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WHAT A DAY!!!

CERSEI IS THE MOST PERFECT AND IF YOU DON'T THINK SHE'S THE STAR OF SEASON FIVE WE CANNOT BE FRIENDS!!!!!!!!!!! THE FLASHBACK WAS BEAUTIFUL!!!!!! I'M NOT A WRITHING BALL OF RAGE AT THE CUT OF VALONQAR STUFF EVEN THOUGH I AM A LITTLE SURPRISED TBH!!!!!!!! CERSEI WALKING UP THE STEPS AT THE SEPT OF BAELOR KEEP THAT IMAGE IN MIND KIDS!!!!!!!!!! KEVAN AND LANCEL ARE BACK!!!!!!!!! TYWIN IS DEAD BUT GOLDEN TWINS ARE HAVING A SRS BUSINESS TALK AND NOT HAVING NONCONSENSUAL SEX!!!!!!!!!!! TYRION AND VARYS ARE ROADTRIPPING IN ESSOS AND THAT'S PERFECT BECAUSE I'M NOT YOUNG GRIFF'S BIGGEST FAN!!!!!!!!! LANNISTERSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SEASON FIIIIIIIIVEEEE!!!!!!

Oh yeah, and I guess the rest of the characters are ok too. IDK what Marg is up to but I'll take it because Natalie Dormer; pretty sure Sansa is going to be Jeyne Poole and I have hella anxiety over that; I don't know what the fuck Brienne and Pod are doing (more nerd rage on their storyline but idk, there's still time); Dany's storyline looks about the same (and yes, keep the fighting pits open yeeesssss #pitsofmarine2k15) and DAARIO'S ASS OH MY GODS; and Jon and Mel at the Wall omg, Stannis and the beard omg looking like Batman and Gordon with Davos, also I think (?) Mance is dead for realsies which is a fucking bummer because I liked him a lot. 

So yeah, I'm not displeased. We shall see how long this lasts.

I then spent some time doing more data analysis while watching Silicon Valley and that dick talk in S1E8 was a thing of beauty, and I've heard some pretty marvelous dick talks (throwback to freshman year). Evan and I debated backpack features because we are literally the coolest people you'll ever know, then we talked politics with Bongi for awhile, and then Evan drove me home and I passed out writing my lit review.

Anyway. Yesterday was a day when I got to deal with the things I truly love, which is mostly politics and also Lannisters. If cheese and hiking were in there, it would have included everything that I love in this world. What a time to be alive, guys. What a time to be alive.

Caught up! Yay!

Thanks for reading :)

The Fourth Annual SUEP Undergraduate Research Conference

Saturday 11 April

So once in awhile, I actually put on lady clothes and do things that are productive and related to my professional career. Saturday was one of these occasions.

Woke up incredibly well-rested and drove home to the Shire, where I took a shower and started to look like a real person until I just ended up drinking a liter of Naked Juice on the couch wrapped in a blanket watching 30 Rock to de-stress. I then curled my hair, put on makeup, put on clothes that weren't jeans and a t-shirt, and stepped into my pair of black patent leather stilettos. I looked like a fucking lady for once in my life.

I then walked over to Hale Sciences. I ended up taking off my shoes and my cardigan because I got hot on the walk and my feet started to hurt, and as I was crossing University, a car honked and hollered at me and I was like "Oh my god, I look like I did not quite make it home last night." Which I didn't, but that's not the fucking point.

Gotta have some dysfunction in this life to make things work out a little bit.

Anyway. I got a really official-looking nametag as a presenter this year at the 4th Annual SUEP Research Conference. I got to hear some seniors present on their research on women's access to health in the world and alternative communities in Brazil, and they were both fucking spectacular and mine literally couldn't hold a candle to theirs. It was rad.

This is actual footage of me presenting at the conference:

I Have No Idea What is Going On

Hi, my name is Maggie Rose, I am a junior Norlin Scholar, and most of the time I have a really hard time talking to people I don't know. I have been described as "confident," "charismatic," "knowledgable," and "well-prepared" when I present to people, but honestly 95% of the time I have no idea what the everloving fuck I'm actually doing. Apparently, things come out of my mouth that make a marginal amount of sense.

Evidently, that was the case on Saturday, so people kind of kept up with me and there were some good questions that dealt with my data, mostly. I talked a little fast, and apparently my accent came out a little bit, which was non-ideal at best but whatever. Paddy asked most of the questions that dealt with the theory I couldn't get to in the 15 minutes allotted to me, which was nice to flesh out, and she asked some valuable stuff that will probably come up when I defend this paper in about a week for the political science department. So that was pretty nice.

My mom also came up to Boulder and watched me talk about trade, and that meant a lot, if only to see a familiar, albeit confused, face in the audience. My mom is seriously the fucking best, guys.

I then watched some more presentations about Edgar Mearns, sustainability accounting, and climate change and infrastructure. They were really neat and raised some interesting questions. Then I went to the poster session, where my friend Ben talked about burning poop, Rajani talked about beetles migrating to other places and changing their DNA, one guy talked about islands of stability in waves (which is helpful in the Schrödinger equation fyi), another guy talked to me about his senior design project involving the Orion spacecraft and telescoping instruments (that was cool, space nerds that I know), and I also heard about python DNA potentially treating hypertension. By that point, I was pretty fried and didn't know exactly what was happening.

So yeah. That was my first of many academic conferences. It was pretty exciting to share my research and watch other people get excited about it too. Now maybe ten other people can get excited about DSMs in trade agreements, which is all I've ever wanted out of life. I'll take it.

Anyway. Ended the day by going over to Evan's and watching hockey with the gang (the things I do for love) and drinking wine, watching the Purple Wedding, learning Italian for the boy's trip to Rome, and making terrible puns with Dani's future roommate, whom I like a lot and can definitely stay. Slept over and had a nice ten hours of solid sleep, which is all I need.

So yes. Research is fucking rad, tbh. It's fun. I'm bothered by how narrow the focus has to be, and theory-building is a bitch, and most of the time it's all bullshit. But let's be real: I came to college to learn more cool stuff about the world around me for the sake of learning more cool stuff about the world around me. Maybe it'll only change ten people's lives on the high end, but hell, at least I can do something with my skills as an academic. I might go on a rant later about it.

Anyway. Thanks for reading :)

A Few Things Are Still Pretty Okay

Friday 10 April

Don't stop me nooow! I'm having such a good time, I'm having a ball!

I woke up on Friday and was super ready to take on the day in this fashion:

I Can Take on the Day!

And then after learning about rigid rotors and temperature dependence on populated states in a molecular orbital, I started to get really dehydrated and felt super queasy and basically learned that I am neither a successful adult, nor can I drink five different kinds of hard liquor and feel totally fine the next day like I used to. So, the day devolved into this:

A Novel By Me

Anyway. We had a quiz on ocean sediments in Water and Soil Chemistry, and then we got to watch Bill Nye in a science class. I shit you not. It was like being nine again, except a little bit hungover and with a lot more self-loathing. College is fun, who knew? We talked about hydrothermal vents and it was super cool! We live in such a wonderful world where organisms don't need light but can instead use sulfur to produce energy! Hooray!

Anyway. Hid in the library eating Bugles, and no, I totally did not put them on my fingers and pretend I was a witch while I finished my reading about African nationalism. Because I'm an adult, goddammit.

Europe and the International System was pretty brutal, because we had a quiz on the reading that I most definitively skimmed and did not understand, so that was pretty fun to fail and literally squirm under my teacher's judgmental gaze. Sorry, Dr. Jupille, just because I like trade doesn't mean I actually understand it. I like space, does that mean I understand what the fuck Evan talks about with regard to orbits? No! There is a line and I toe it! (Mostly, I was pretty stressed tbh. Conferences are hard).

I walked home and took a nap because I deserved it, and then Mason came up and I rambled about trade to him and got some constructive criticism regarding my presentation for the SUEP conference. That was fun, thank you Mason!

Then I went to dinner with Evan, where I gorged myself on fries and onion rings and a grilled cheese at Snarfburger, which was exactly what I needed (apparently the burgers are good, too) and THEN he bought me Dairy Queen. So yeah. I finally have a human to buy me food and who likes me even though I frequently talk about murder and care only about Lannisters. I am living the fucking dream, you guys. Date your best friend. I highly recommend it.

Anyway, then he did me the favor of listening to me talk about the characteristics of states in trading dispute settlement mechanisms and gave me really good feedback. Then I drank a beer, and we headed out to a party that Bongi had whose attendees were both chemical engineers and football players. It was in an apartment that didn't have the sale Ikea items (like, they had the tables that were more than $10) OR a discount keg (I didn't have to drink Rolling Rock, you guys), and it was fucking fancy. What even is my life anymore. I met a girl on the rugby team who was also a bitter feminist and a chemical engineer that also prefers staying in and eating cheese while watching Netflix to going to the bars, and we bonded over how much we hate people. It was grand.

Anyway. Walked home early with the boy, talked about politics and Easter and future plans and how efficient that guy is who lives under the 28th Street Bridge by UV. Then we got some pretty solid sleep. It was damn nice, tbh.

That's what Fridays are, honestly. A lot of interacting with different groups, taking a break from everything I need to do, and drinking craft beer. Maybe it's not totally responsible to disengage from the world for a few hours, but I need that. I've realized that much in these last three years. I struggled with that need for a long time, mostly because I was defined by my focus and my drive all through high school, but I need that emotional and social element. I need to be reminded that what I'm doing isn't just for abstractions, and I need to be reminded that even though a lot of things are really fucking terrible in this world, a few things are still pretty okay. Despite all the horrors of capitalism and systemic poverty and dysfunction in politics, there are still a few pockets where the indomitable human spirit thrives. Maybe it's in the form of white girls dancing at a party or people playing beer pong or just having a nice talk with your best friend while you walk home a little bit drunk on life and love, but that's okay. I need that.

Tune in for the weekend, where I talk about my stupid conference and my damn paper and also THRONES!!!!!!

Thanks for reading :)

In Which I Engage With the World

Thursday 9 April

Okay, I'm officially catching up on all of this TODAY because I'm done with EVERYTHING. HA HA HA.

Thursday began really early, surprisingly, and I made the poor life choice of wearing high heels to campus. Hills are really hard to walk up when you're wearing three inch wedges, and they're more difficult in stilettos. This has been a public service announcement.

Middle East Politics was spent in a haze regarding a debate over whether or not to launch a calculated airstrike on Iran to destroy their nuclear program, which left me on the side of a very firm "no" opinion. I was sitting next to this poor Persian girl, and she was fucking livid about what our opponents were saying, mostly because it was poorly researched and everyone was trying to be all "rhetorical" and whatnot and didn't focus on the fact that a strike by the United States would cause a fucking war, for chrissakes. It was hard to watch. Like I said, politics has real impacts, people.

Anyway. I then walked over to Macky Auditorium, where I was hit in the face by the Russian flag, the Italian flag, and the Irish flag when they were blowing in the wind, so that was fun. I attended my last CWA panel entitled "Nukes in Unstable Regimes," and it was amazing. One of the panelists was Valerie Plame Wilson, the CIA operative who was illegally burned when her name was leaked to journalists back in 2003 and led to the Scooter Libby Trial of 2005. She's like the coolest and I was fangirling in the audience like a loser.

They started the panel by saying "I doubt many of you woke up this morning and thought about nuclear weapons," which was pretty inaccurate given the fact that I actually did wake up thinking about nuclear weapons. It happens about once a week. They said it was one of the truly global issues that the earth faces, and should be given more thought than it's awarded, and that was pretty interesting to hear. Their presentation was spectacular and it was super nice to hear from experts the fact that war with Iran over this situation is irrational. Also, in order to get this deal with Iran to work out, "the do-nothing Congress actually has to do nothing" and that's fucking scary because the only certainty about American politics lately is its total uncertainty.

Anyway. It's a fun time to be a political science student, kids!

After that, I headed to my Norlin class, where we learned about development from NGO's from Ben, which was really cool and super well done, and then I talked about Edward Snowden and the USA PATRIOT Act. Watch John Oliver's piece because he explains it far better than I can, plus he gets to talk to Edward fucking Snowden, which I think I might actually kill for given the chance.

I also just want to mention that the USA PATRIOT Act was indeed passed through the House, Senate, and signed into law by George W. Bush in only three days. That's right. It was introduced on October 23, 2001, and became law on October 26, 2001. That's nothing short of remarkable, and that's also honestly fucking terrifying, because there were a lot of really troubling things in this bill that were not addressed at all and received hardly any pushback. Today, we're feeling these ramifications.

It was also really surprising to me that not many people knew who Edward Snowden was. Politics is my life, and I know that I care about a lot of really obscure things that literally nobody else does (DSMs in Trade Agreements!!! I'm one of four people that get really jazzed about this!!!), but this in particular is pretty far-reaching in its effects, you guys. Like really. The government is watching you. This is something that people should be concerned about, and the amount of apathy or ignorance is frightening. I know you all don't want to end up like me shouting bitter things about nukes in a bar on a Thursday night (just wait for it) or not giving a shit about keeping up with the Kardashians because the Clintons are so much better, but it's not going to kill you to engage with this world a little bit. Hell, you're the only thing that has the potential to change this terribly broken system and get these crucial issues out in the open. Please. I'm begging you.

The USA PATRIOT Act is up for renewal on June 1, and I encourage you to call your senators and representatives if it troubles you and talk to them about it. Do it. Please. You're the fount of authority in this nation. Please be very mindful of that responsibility. That's all I'm asking for.

I came home and hung out with the roomies for awhile, where we went to Good Times and talked about life, and then we watched the HBO documentary on Scientology Going Clear, which Holy Shit is about what I have to say about that. I was profoundly disturbed. I was aware of the fraud and the blatant exploitation of their congregation, but I hadn't heard about the harassment or the alienation of the people that have spoken out about the Church's practices. I don't like the lack of transparency about their beliefs or about what they truly do, and I don't like how it quenches questioning or investigation of any kind. That's scary for me. That's not okay. I'd recommend it for sure, but not if you want to have a good time afterward. I was pretty nihilistic for the rest of the day.

Anyway. I hung out in the library for awhile and fine-tuned my presentation and read about African regionalism, and then I met the Drinking Buddies Connor, Joe, and Dani at the Rio for Marg Night, and it was spectacular. Bongi met us out, which was rad, and we spent the evening drinking margaritas, talking about Thrones (where I shouted a little about Cersei, sorry you have to put up with my shit guys), talking about nukes (where I shouted a little about Iran, sorry you have to put up with my shit, guys), dancing the night away at both Absinthe House and the Downer (thanks for all the drinks, Connor), and ultimately wandering home repressing my feelings of awkwardness and shouting about how much I fucking love my problematic fave America. I am going to make a great president someday.

Actually Me After 4 Drinks

Anyway. So that was Thursday, engaging with the world and talking about life in general with people I really like. I encourage you to do the same, because it's a real stress-reliever. 10/10 always recommend.

Thanks for reading :)

Mantras and Abstractions

Wednesday 8 April

So I'm sorry these are so late, this week has literally been hell and I don't know what I've been doing other than a lot about trade and less about everything else, which is problematic.

Dragged myself out of bed to work more on rigid rotors in Quantum, which I know super well from Lab. Hooray synergy (is that how you use that word? Whatever.)! Water and Soil Chem was less fun talking about carbonate systems and ocean sediments, but I learned exactly what I needed for the quiz on Friday. Woot.

After that class let out late, I booked it over to the UMC, where I attended a panel for CWA called "Should I Stay or Should I Go? Scotland, Northern Ireland, the UK and the EU" which was really good and full of people with wonderful beautiful accents. My professor actually moderated and forced me to come up and join the rest of the students and not isolate in the back. I met a wonderful woman that grew up in Scotland and moved to the US in her 20's, who was so sweet and really interested in my brief foray into the world of nationalist politics. I can be what is described as "charming" if I try to not actively despise everyone.

Anyway, I was really expecting more about the interplay between the UK's regionalism and EU regionalism, and found myself thinking that I was almost disappointed about the fact that it was mostly very personal stories about the Scottish referendum and the national feeling there.

It was then that I was like, "Wow, Mags, you have officially forgotten why you got into politics in the first place, which is to make people's lives better and care about people over policy. You're going to be a great congresswoman." Because even though I adore thinking about institutions and democracy and policy, it gets really hard to remember that all of those things have a real impact on people's lives. It's really very heartbreaking to realize that a seven on the Freedom House measure of autocracy means that someone lives under a brutal regime. Maybe that's why we block it out. It's really hard to go on when you start thinking about the individual unit of analysis versus the systemic unit.

I have to remember that, however. I get caught up in abstractions, which is why I'm a hella rad academic but not honestly the greatest human being. Smack me on the head if I start forgetting again.

Anyway. Read about SADC while I printed off a lab on electronics, which confused the guy sitting next to me to say the least. My life doesn't make sense, this has been proven.

We talked about African regionalism in Europe and the International System, which, Spoiler Alert, is a giant mess and the best example of decoupling (institutions that are there but completely ineffective) there is in the world. It's not a good time, and honestly kind of resembles a neocolonial and almost paternalistic attitude toward foreign policy, which is a hard thing to discuss.

Good times in politics, kids, are very few and far between.

Lab was pretty rad, Randall and I built some great circuits and learned how to math for voltage differences. We then built a polarity circuit with some LED's and then made a binary counter, which was really cool. I forgot how fun chemistry could be without the stress of a 20 page lab report looming at the end. Process over product, kids. It needs to be a mantra.

I came home, ate some pizza, and read about Iran's nuclear program, which put me in a grand mood for three hours of orchestra (come to our concert! April 21! It's pretty and mostly Russian with that song that we always had to do fucking arabesque penchées to in ballet class! Music! Not PTSD! Yes!).

Spent two hours in the library after that panicking about my presentation and also reading about Iranian nuclear programs. It's a good time to be a stupid procrastinating problematic high achiever, believe me. Walked home, had a mild panic attack in stress, suppressed it so that's healthy, and watched the John Oliver interview with Edward Snowden, which was fucking hilarious and that cheered me up.

Anyway. I repeat a lot of mantras in my head which represent some assumptions that may or may not be true, and it's really scary to start to think about those assumptions breaking down. Things like "You're going to be fine" keep me going, and when you start to think about the alternative "You might not be okay" (which is always very, very real if my life experiences have taught me anything), it's panic inducing. That's another thing I deal with a lot—fear that primary assumptions will break down and I will be forced to confront a painful alternative. Maybe it's a product of being in policy research and thinking about possible failures and alternative options, or maybe it's because I hang out with a lot of pragmatic engineers and scientists. I don't know.

Anyway, I'm tired. Welcome to my tired rants about hypotheticals. Help would be appreciated.

Thanks for reading :)

In Which I Deal With Some Nerd Rage

Tuesday 7 April

Well this is sort of a disaster but I have a remarkable memory so let's review what happened on Tuesday:

Woke up, showered, and went to Middle East Politics, where we finished up the Arab Spring and started talking about ISIS, which was just really great. The last part of the Arab Spring was about Syria and the fact that the Hafez al Assad regime leveled the town of Hama in the early 1980's because it was sheltering members of the Muslim Brotherhood, who opposed his autocratic regime. Nobody knows exactly how many civilians died, and it's heartbreaking. We also talked about Hafez's son Bashir , who has allegedly used chemical weapons on his own people to quell dissent about his autocratic regime.

I get pretty riled up about chemical weapons, which isn't surprising because I'm a chemist in my spare time and it horrifies me when people use that beautiful power for evil. It's bullshit. Don't you dare weaponize science, especially science that I'm involved in. It just pisses me off, and it's awful that anyone would use something so fucking beautiful against humanity in general.

ISIS is another can of worms, and I'm pretty sure that they're more of a threat to the West not because of their extremist, apocalyptic perversion of Islam (I also get pretty riled up about that tbh) but because they present the greatest threat to the Westphalian state system in the modern age, and that fucking scares people. Then again, that's a fine line between geopolitics and religion, and I walk that line a lot more than I'm proud to say. It's frustrating. But I chose this, so I'll walk alone.

I then had a break and had some Chex Mix and a Twix bar to calm myself down.

After that, I headed to CWA again for my Norlin class, where we went to a panel called "Kickass Career Advice: Skills to Build NOW" because we talk a lot about professions and the constructions surrounding our fields and it's a good time. Whatever.

The panel was pretty fucking awful tbh, and was mostly a bunch of sexist and slightly misogynistic comments on the business world. It was a mess. Literally, one piece of advice was "marry rich or have a rich daddy if you want to pursue your passion," which really pissed me off and I was not a happy camper in the slightest leaving that session of CWA. *frustrated stamping*

I was pretty motivated, then, to end up meeting with Kim Lee and learning how to do data analysis on STATA, which is a beautiful stats program and I'm totally into it. Anyway. It's fun. Kim Lee put together the single greatest dataset I've ever seen, and I owe him literally like half of my stipend this semester because he's amazing and likes trade probably more than I do.

Yeah. Then I decided to take a break and reheated some pizza, and the Paige and I watched Thrones, which was S4E3 "Breaker of Chains," which I'm REALLY STILL NOT OK WITH LIKE REALLY I STILL DON'T UNDERSTAND THAT FUCKING SEPT SCENE. NOT COOL, GUYS. IT WAS RAPE. I'LL DEFEND CERSEI AND JAIME TO THE DAY I DIE AND THAT SCENE DOESN'T MAKE IT EASIER. FEEL MY NERD RAAAAGE.

NERD RAAAGE

I'm fine. I'm Game of Thrones trash, but I'm fine.

Then I spent five hours in the library because I'm really cool and I'm usually motivated by rage to do things. I deal with a lot of rage a lot of the time—rage about the political situations, rage about gender inequality, rage about the state of the third world, rage about chemical weapons, rage about the proliferation of ideology, rage about the use of science to kill people, rage about the treatment of Cersei Lannister in Season 4 and Catelyn Stark in Season 2, rage about my sister's disease, rage about my family's situation, rage about the fact that I'm too busy most of the time to enjoy the moments that I have with people that I like. I am very angry about a lot of things a lot of the time. I'm good at hiding it. It's like the top of a volcano—I present this image of this stoic ice peak, but underneath, there is magma, and it burns slowly and persistently. It is unlikely that I'll ever explode. But it's still there.

Rage is not pretty, but it makes me fucking productive, which is kind of ok to deal with.

Anyway. Walked home at midnight and ended up falling asleep watching 30 Rock, because I deserved it. I really did.

I hope to catch up on the blog soonish, but alas, it's Marg Night and I'm still in the library doing a presentation. We'll see how this goes.

Thanks for reading :)

What I'm Too Invested In: A Survey

Monday 6 April

Well, the Badgers lost the NCAA championship, but bless the world of sports because I can truly embrace my actual personality as a grumpy 60-year-old man and fall asleep watching The Master's Tournament this week. I love golf.

Anyway. Began the day tardily (as per usual) and headed out to Quantum Mechanics bright and early (by which I mean 9 AM; my life isn't actually that hard). Walked behind a lot of seniors on the way to class, which can only mean that Conference on World Affairs is in town. In class, we finished off Morse Potentials and moved onto rigid rotor motion, which ALSO would have been helpful in the seven hours of calculations that Randall and I did last Tuesday. Whatever.

Then I went to Water and Soil Chemistry, where we actually discussed atmospheric chemistry in the form of the ozone hole over Antarctica. This meant we got to talk about the Montreal Protocol (the agreement that helped to stabilize decreasing ozone levels), which had me fucking STOKED, because I am the Montreal Protocol's Biggest Fan. It is literally the PERFECT fusion of science, international politics and environmental policy. I aspire to the greatness of that treaty every day, and tbh if anyone is ever involved in something half as fucking wonderful then you've done something totally right with your life. Anyway. A good day in Water and Soil Chemistry.

Then I bought some caffeine on my break because I was going to die if I didn't. I also got some crackers because I adult well. Living large with House Rose.

After a fairly unproductive break, I went to a panel discussion in Conference on World Affairs, which Joe was moderating and we had to attend. It was called "The Rise of European Ultra-Nationalism" which was about the rise of nationalist right-wing parties in Europe. Nationalism is my second favorite thing in all of political science (the first being dispute settlement mechanisms in preferential trade agreements #honorsthesis2k16), and so I had a damn good time at that panel. Mostly, I just love Americans because usually panelists all just get into a debate about what exactly the Tea Party is or isn't. Most of the panelists thought the fault lay in policymakers not integrating the immigrant population of Europe, whereas I had a point of disagreement in that the immigrant population doesn't have the political space to actively engage in their new homes and they aren't thought of as a priority by like anyone. I've also written a lot of papers about how nationalism is a backlash against regionalism and globalization, which the panelists also agreed with and I was like "hey my Dothraki-cited paper I wrote on a Red Bull binge last semester at 4 AM was RIGHT!"so that was pretty exciting.

Like I said. I get too invested in the fates of people halfway around the world and too concerned about diatoms for my own good.

Walked home behind more seniors (I love this week, I love this week) and went to the store, where I bought real fruit (don't worry, Mom! I'm eating well! Ish!) and also pizza because that's what I do with my life. I also managed to sneak in a couple of episodes of 30 Rock, which was rad (Sidebar: I need a Kenneth in my life).

Boulder Property Management also put a fucking raccoon trap outside of MY DOOR so YOU KNOW WHO IS FREAKING OUT A LITLE BIT? SPOILER ALERT IT'S ME, IT'S NOT A RACCOON TRAP THEY'RE TOO CLEVER FOR THAT. THEY WILL ESCAPE AND PLOT REVENGE. IF THE RESIDENTS OF THE SHIRE SUFFER DAMAGES BECAUSE OF RACCOONS I WILL FLIP SHIT.

I'm fine, really.

Anyway, spent the rest of the evening in the library writing up a presentation on Ed Snowden and totally not actually just watching the NCAA championship (it's by far the most scandalous thing I've done in the Norlin stacks—watching basketball instead of studying. I'm super cool all the time, I know). Finished the presentation a whole four days early, which is nothing short of miraculous. Went home, read for class, and fell asleep reading about ISIS (which is not the weirdest thing I've ever read before bed tbh).

Mondays can occasionally get me down, but I've been oddly motivated to actually get shit done. Maybe  it's because I genuinely enjoy school 93% of the time, but it's not a Herculean task for me to get out and go learn shit. This is why I'm good at writing theses and being a scholar—it's never been a job, it's always been a lot of fun, to get out and satiate some aspect of my endless curiosity. I'm good at it, too, which, for someone who has a genuinely limited skill set, is encouraging.

Anyway. I'm off to go to class yet again.

Thanks for reading :)

Take Me To Church, Ish

Sunday 5 April

So yesterday was Easter, which, because I'm an atheist, I skipped church and went on a hike instead. Which is pretty much the same thing when you're me.

Woke up after a solid night of sleep, which was super nice! Then I got my life in order and drove home to the Rad Arvad. The drive was nice—a little breezy on 93, but whatever. Found myself in an extraordinary good mood, which is rare for me. I'll take it, though.

I was fed Real Food by my mother, who worries about the fact that I eat mostly crackers and pizza and Rockstar (it was amazing. Dietary variation, who knew we lived in such a world?). We then climbed in the car and went on a hike up on Goshawk Ridge in the Doudy Draw Trail System, which was really pretty! Ellie also bought a selfie stick, which is probably the greatest invention of all time, and my mom and her and I took a bunch of photos in the canyon that looked a lot like an album cover. Fun times with the Roses.

Sunglasses Swag With the Rose Girls

There was also a metric tonne of Pasque flowers blooming. They're these really lovely purple flowers that always bloom right around Easter, despite the weird variance in that holiday (honestly, I've never quite figured out why that holiday varies, and if you have any information for me that would be very nice to know). Also, fun fact: they can be used to treat PMS, but excess use can lead to cardiac failure and death. Being a girl is really hard, believe me. The things that can help you often end up killing you.

Pretty and Deadly: My Aesthetic

After that, we drove home and engaged in the suburban tradition of egg dying, which always makes me feel a little bit like Faberge in the Romanov Empire. My family was also more keen to make eggs for Evan than they were for anyone else, which was pretty great. Evan, you're in. You did it.

We then had Easter dinner (and by "Easter dinner" I mean "steak for everyone but Maggie who just ate a lot of potatoes and then there was some weird family tension at the end hooray holidays"), which was kinda nice because I got to see everyone at once instead of in small doses of each of them individually. We talked about Andrew Jackson instead of Jesus, which I really appreciated tbh.

I then took a shower (I love the Shire but its water pressure is SHIT and real life water pressure is my favorite thing) and talked a little bit with Miss Ellie for awhile about her high school experience, which is vastly different than mine ever was—she has a social life where I just did a lot of homework and she hangs out in the athletic hall where I hung out in the band room. Kids are also so mean lately, and I don't understand it.

I miss that girl a lot, honestly. She's one of the few people I can converse with using complete honesty in this life, and for that, I'm sorry. If you're one of those people, I sincerely apologize. My brain is a bramble patch at best, and I'm both honored and upset that you have to put up with it.

Anyway, I ended up driving back up to Boulder and then edited my literature review, which is still a veritable trainwreck but I was too tired to care. The theory looks better, however, and the introduction is the best thing I've ever written #goodenough. I then fell asleep reading about Edward Snowden and the USA PATRIOT Act for a presentation I have Thursday. Typical nerd action.

Like I said at the beginning, hiking is my church. I've never been good at the whole "religion" thing, mostly because I'm incredibly bad at taking leaps of faith and committing to things (the main reason I'm a double major is because I didn't want to make the hard choice between the two things I love most and fully commit to one of them). It also feels like I'd have to give up a lot of my own autonomy in committing to most of the religions that have a following on this rock in space, which is the single most important thing to me in this life. I want to feel like I have a choice. Maybe I don't. But that construction helps me get through the day. At the end of the week, all the decisions I've made are truly mine—the good, the bad, and the ugly ones.

But I feel like the point of most major religions is to give us some reason to keep living. To believe that our existence on this lonely planet has some abstract meaning or another. And maybe it's because everything is so beautiful because of the endorphins pumping through my blood, but the sky always looks bluer and the wind always feels nicer and the sun always shines a little brighter after I hike and engage with the earth. I'm not so scared about the future or about the ways that this life might turn out, and it gives me a little moment where I'm just glad to be alive. Because even through all the fear and the anxiety and the pain, there's always a moment where being alive is a beautiful and wonderful thing when you're on a hike. And I'll take that above everything.

Almost caught up for once, who am I?

Thanks for reading :)