Problematic High Achievers

Monday 13 April

HAPPY BIRTHDAY THOMAS JEFFERSON!! THANK YOU GOOGLE CALENDARS FOR THAT FUN FACT!!!

The Most Rad of Presidents

Anyway. Yesterday was kind of bullshit but whatever, I got a lot of stuff done.

Woke up later than intended, neglected my paper until I rolled in early for Quantum Mechanics, and did some review for the exam on Wednesday, which means it's time to panic yaaay. Then I walked over to Water and Soil Chemistry and finished learning about complexation and coordination chemistry according to my notes, which is nice because that is the only thing I remember from AP Chem, thanks Mrs. Anderson. A kid also managed to fall asleep, which was nothing short of remarkable because there were literally four students in the room. I love undergrads!

Then I read about regionalism in the Western Hemisphere, aka NAFTA and Mercosur my favourite regional trade agreements. After that, I did some research and footnoting about Mercosur and ASEAN (*frustrated stamping*). So that was my break.

After that, headed over to Europe and the International System, where the discussion we had about regionalism led to a major breakthrough with regards to the paper, and that was fucking great, because after that class I spent another hour in the library writing up the abstract and conclusion, and finished off the precursor to my honors thesis at 27 pages and 7,907 words of text about dispute settlement mechanisms. I am a scholar! I am good at things!

Me Doing Things

Then I took a three hour nap because I like to avoid my responsibilities (another paper, a lab, two exams) with sleeping to 30 Rock after eating pizza rolls.

After that, I tried halfheartedly to do work that's due but I have a hard time producing quality work without a lot of pressure behind me regarding deadlines. Welcome to the mind of a problematic high achiever, where it's either the crippling fear of failure, genuine laziness and apathy, or the knowledge that our best work is performed just before the buzzer sounds that makes us put things off until the last minute. Even we don't know why our brains work the way they do—I've conducted several intensive studies on the matter (by which I mean I talked to other nerds on Facebook that should have been writing their Poet Casebooks at four in the morning on the day they were due our senior year of high school and we all ended up getting 100% and "I can tell you put a lot of time into this." Yeah. Sure. We'll go with that). So I ended up watching 30 Rock and reading about Hillary.

I like high achievers a lot. I'm a little biased—we would always cause a little too much trouble when we'd get bored with watching Between the Lions in 2nd grade (I will always hold a huge grudge against Jeffco for consistently forcing me to watch that fucking crap. I KNEW WHAT A VERB WAS I WAS READING AND ANALYZING NANCY DREW AT AGE SEVEN OK). I'll always also have a huge bias against No Child Left Behind (of the three Rose kids, it's questionable that only Mason benefitted from that legislation, and 1/3 isn't exactly the success rate you want) because it doesn't let anyone do any more than the bare minimum. I hated that. I was stifled by it. I had a lot of good teachers that let me learn advanced math and read at a tenth grade level in fifth grade and put me on an ALP, but nobody really knew what to do with the kids that were straining at the leash.

AP and honors helped in high school. I could do what I wanted, when I wanted. I was challenged for the first time in my life. That was rad. I was excited to learn, because for once I could. I wasn't limited by my peers. There wasn't a glass ceiling that I had to bat against anymore.

Until there was.

That's when it starts. The "all these people are expecting me to know when the church split into Eastern Orthodox and Catholicism," the "just five more minutes of cramming for this test I know front and back and then I can sleep," the "I'll probably be fine with Sparknotes, but I'll read Heart of Darkness just in case," the "I can't fail because people don't expect me to."

Which is when it becomes problematic. Because you don't want to be that failure. You've always been too big to fail. You're the high achiever. You can't not achieve. That's not you.

And yeah, maybe I'm a little bit of a Type A and I thought expectations were higher than they actually were and maybe it's because I'm a girl and have to work harder to convince people that I am to be taken seriously. But that made me fucking miserable when I had to confront the fact that I could indeed fail. When you're in that role, you assume that even if you fail because you're a human and sometimes there's a little too much going on psychologically that can prevent you from doing quality work, it's stigmatized. You're bad. It's not right.

I guess what I'm saying is that nobody ever taught me that it was okay to fail and to not be good at something. And only after a couple of really traumatic experiences did I ever learn that, and that's unhealthy and I will be perpetually bitter about that.

It's okay to fail. There is nothing wrong with you just because you failed a test or didn't get the guy or didn't get into Yale. Repeat that, high achievers. It is perfectly fine to have your biggest accomplishment for the day be "getting out of bed" or "didn't burn my grilled cheese." Make me repeat that, because sometimes I forget it a lot.

Okay. Rant over.

I'm going to catch up on the blog I promise, though I'm over a week behind and have hella papers to write so it's questionable.

Thanks for reading :)

I Only Care About Politics and Lannisters

Sunday 12 April

Almost caught up, I love this interspersing blogs with homework thing!

We woke up late yesterday, which was a real problem because Evan and Davis had like 10 minutes to meet their homework group. I gave them a lift to the EC, and then went to the store. Sometimes a girl needs 2 donuts, a bag of chips, a Rockstar, and an imitation crab sushi roll at 10 AM, and I have no shame in admitting that girl is me.

Procrastinated for awhile watching 30 Rock because I'm an adult, and then I took a shower and cleaned the Pit that is also referred to as my room, so yay. Productive procrastination is the one thing I excel at.

THEN HILLARY CLINTON ANNOUNCED SHE WAS RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT AND I'M SO EXCITED!!!!!!!! I DIDN'T THINK SHE WOULD ACTUALLY DO IT BUT YOU KNOW WHAT I AM STOKED!! IF SHE PICKS ELIZABETH WARREN AS HER VEEP I WILL LOSE MY SHIT AND I CAN TRULY DIE HAPPY!!!!!!!!! I WANT TO SEE WHO ELSE WILL RUN! COME ON DEMOCRATS!!!!! WHAT A TIME TO BE ALIVE!!!!!!!\

I LOVE THIS COUNTRY!!

Then I went to the library and talked to Crissie about life, creeped on her boyfriend because we are mature and responsible humans, and bought twenty one pilots tickets for Red Rocks in September, which is going to be amazing because she's my favorite person to go to concerts with and twenty one pilots is a fucking rad show. We saw them at Big Gig this year and basically died from collective awesomeness.

Then I spent awhile in the library doing some data analysis on STATA and wrote nine pages in three hours, so I'm what has been described as "not bad" at writing.

Actual Footage of Me Writing My Research Paper

I then strolled over from the library to UV, where we gathered on Evan's couch and began watching season five of the shitshow that is Game of Thrones.

I must admit, I was pleasantly surprised, mostly because

SO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
MANY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
LANNISTERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WHAT A DAY!!!

CERSEI IS THE MOST PERFECT AND IF YOU DON'T THINK SHE'S THE STAR OF SEASON FIVE WE CANNOT BE FRIENDS!!!!!!!!!!! THE FLASHBACK WAS BEAUTIFUL!!!!!! I'M NOT A WRITHING BALL OF RAGE AT THE CUT OF VALONQAR STUFF EVEN THOUGH I AM A LITTLE SURPRISED TBH!!!!!!!! CERSEI WALKING UP THE STEPS AT THE SEPT OF BAELOR KEEP THAT IMAGE IN MIND KIDS!!!!!!!!!! KEVAN AND LANCEL ARE BACK!!!!!!!!! TYWIN IS DEAD BUT GOLDEN TWINS ARE HAVING A SRS BUSINESS TALK AND NOT HAVING NONCONSENSUAL SEX!!!!!!!!!!! TYRION AND VARYS ARE ROADTRIPPING IN ESSOS AND THAT'S PERFECT BECAUSE I'M NOT YOUNG GRIFF'S BIGGEST FAN!!!!!!!!! LANNISTERSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SEASON FIIIIIIIIVEEEE!!!!!!

Oh yeah, and I guess the rest of the characters are ok too. IDK what Marg is up to but I'll take it because Natalie Dormer; pretty sure Sansa is going to be Jeyne Poole and I have hella anxiety over that; I don't know what the fuck Brienne and Pod are doing (more nerd rage on their storyline but idk, there's still time); Dany's storyline looks about the same (and yes, keep the fighting pits open yeeesssss #pitsofmarine2k15) and DAARIO'S ASS OH MY GODS; and Jon and Mel at the Wall omg, Stannis and the beard omg looking like Batman and Gordon with Davos, also I think (?) Mance is dead for realsies which is a fucking bummer because I liked him a lot. 

So yeah, I'm not displeased. We shall see how long this lasts.

I then spent some time doing more data analysis while watching Silicon Valley and that dick talk in S1E8 was a thing of beauty, and I've heard some pretty marvelous dick talks (throwback to freshman year). Evan and I debated backpack features because we are literally the coolest people you'll ever know, then we talked politics with Bongi for awhile, and then Evan drove me home and I passed out writing my lit review.

Anyway. Yesterday was a day when I got to deal with the things I truly love, which is mostly politics and also Lannisters. If cheese and hiking were in there, it would have included everything that I love in this world. What a time to be alive, guys. What a time to be alive.

Caught up! Yay!

Thanks for reading :)

The Fourth Annual SUEP Undergraduate Research Conference

Saturday 11 April

So once in awhile, I actually put on lady clothes and do things that are productive and related to my professional career. Saturday was one of these occasions.

Woke up incredibly well-rested and drove home to the Shire, where I took a shower and started to look like a real person until I just ended up drinking a liter of Naked Juice on the couch wrapped in a blanket watching 30 Rock to de-stress. I then curled my hair, put on makeup, put on clothes that weren't jeans and a t-shirt, and stepped into my pair of black patent leather stilettos. I looked like a fucking lady for once in my life.

I then walked over to Hale Sciences. I ended up taking off my shoes and my cardigan because I got hot on the walk and my feet started to hurt, and as I was crossing University, a car honked and hollered at me and I was like "Oh my god, I look like I did not quite make it home last night." Which I didn't, but that's not the fucking point.

Gotta have some dysfunction in this life to make things work out a little bit.

Anyway. I got a really official-looking nametag as a presenter this year at the 4th Annual SUEP Research Conference. I got to hear some seniors present on their research on women's access to health in the world and alternative communities in Brazil, and they were both fucking spectacular and mine literally couldn't hold a candle to theirs. It was rad.

This is actual footage of me presenting at the conference:

I Have No Idea What is Going On

Hi, my name is Maggie Rose, I am a junior Norlin Scholar, and most of the time I have a really hard time talking to people I don't know. I have been described as "confident," "charismatic," "knowledgable," and "well-prepared" when I present to people, but honestly 95% of the time I have no idea what the everloving fuck I'm actually doing. Apparently, things come out of my mouth that make a marginal amount of sense.

Evidently, that was the case on Saturday, so people kind of kept up with me and there were some good questions that dealt with my data, mostly. I talked a little fast, and apparently my accent came out a little bit, which was non-ideal at best but whatever. Paddy asked most of the questions that dealt with the theory I couldn't get to in the 15 minutes allotted to me, which was nice to flesh out, and she asked some valuable stuff that will probably come up when I defend this paper in about a week for the political science department. So that was pretty nice.

My mom also came up to Boulder and watched me talk about trade, and that meant a lot, if only to see a familiar, albeit confused, face in the audience. My mom is seriously the fucking best, guys.

I then watched some more presentations about Edgar Mearns, sustainability accounting, and climate change and infrastructure. They were really neat and raised some interesting questions. Then I went to the poster session, where my friend Ben talked about burning poop, Rajani talked about beetles migrating to other places and changing their DNA, one guy talked about islands of stability in waves (which is helpful in the Schrödinger equation fyi), another guy talked to me about his senior design project involving the Orion spacecraft and telescoping instruments (that was cool, space nerds that I know), and I also heard about python DNA potentially treating hypertension. By that point, I was pretty fried and didn't know exactly what was happening.

So yeah. That was my first of many academic conferences. It was pretty exciting to share my research and watch other people get excited about it too. Now maybe ten other people can get excited about DSMs in trade agreements, which is all I've ever wanted out of life. I'll take it.

Anyway. Ended the day by going over to Evan's and watching hockey with the gang (the things I do for love) and drinking wine, watching the Purple Wedding, learning Italian for the boy's trip to Rome, and making terrible puns with Dani's future roommate, whom I like a lot and can definitely stay. Slept over and had a nice ten hours of solid sleep, which is all I need.

So yes. Research is fucking rad, tbh. It's fun. I'm bothered by how narrow the focus has to be, and theory-building is a bitch, and most of the time it's all bullshit. But let's be real: I came to college to learn more cool stuff about the world around me for the sake of learning more cool stuff about the world around me. Maybe it'll only change ten people's lives on the high end, but hell, at least I can do something with my skills as an academic. I might go on a rant later about it.

Anyway. Thanks for reading :)

A Few Things Are Still Pretty Okay

Friday 10 April

Don't stop me nooow! I'm having such a good time, I'm having a ball!

I woke up on Friday and was super ready to take on the day in this fashion:

I Can Take on the Day!

And then after learning about rigid rotors and temperature dependence on populated states in a molecular orbital, I started to get really dehydrated and felt super queasy and basically learned that I am neither a successful adult, nor can I drink five different kinds of hard liquor and feel totally fine the next day like I used to. So, the day devolved into this:

A Novel By Me

Anyway. We had a quiz on ocean sediments in Water and Soil Chemistry, and then we got to watch Bill Nye in a science class. I shit you not. It was like being nine again, except a little bit hungover and with a lot more self-loathing. College is fun, who knew? We talked about hydrothermal vents and it was super cool! We live in such a wonderful world where organisms don't need light but can instead use sulfur to produce energy! Hooray!

Anyway. Hid in the library eating Bugles, and no, I totally did not put them on my fingers and pretend I was a witch while I finished my reading about African nationalism. Because I'm an adult, goddammit.

Europe and the International System was pretty brutal, because we had a quiz on the reading that I most definitively skimmed and did not understand, so that was pretty fun to fail and literally squirm under my teacher's judgmental gaze. Sorry, Dr. Jupille, just because I like trade doesn't mean I actually understand it. I like space, does that mean I understand what the fuck Evan talks about with regard to orbits? No! There is a line and I toe it! (Mostly, I was pretty stressed tbh. Conferences are hard).

I walked home and took a nap because I deserved it, and then Mason came up and I rambled about trade to him and got some constructive criticism regarding my presentation for the SUEP conference. That was fun, thank you Mason!

Then I went to dinner with Evan, where I gorged myself on fries and onion rings and a grilled cheese at Snarfburger, which was exactly what I needed (apparently the burgers are good, too) and THEN he bought me Dairy Queen. So yeah. I finally have a human to buy me food and who likes me even though I frequently talk about murder and care only about Lannisters. I am living the fucking dream, you guys. Date your best friend. I highly recommend it.

Anyway, then he did me the favor of listening to me talk about the characteristics of states in trading dispute settlement mechanisms and gave me really good feedback. Then I drank a beer, and we headed out to a party that Bongi had whose attendees were both chemical engineers and football players. It was in an apartment that didn't have the sale Ikea items (like, they had the tables that were more than $10) OR a discount keg (I didn't have to drink Rolling Rock, you guys), and it was fucking fancy. What even is my life anymore. I met a girl on the rugby team who was also a bitter feminist and a chemical engineer that also prefers staying in and eating cheese while watching Netflix to going to the bars, and we bonded over how much we hate people. It was grand.

Anyway. Walked home early with the boy, talked about politics and Easter and future plans and how efficient that guy is who lives under the 28th Street Bridge by UV. Then we got some pretty solid sleep. It was damn nice, tbh.

That's what Fridays are, honestly. A lot of interacting with different groups, taking a break from everything I need to do, and drinking craft beer. Maybe it's not totally responsible to disengage from the world for a few hours, but I need that. I've realized that much in these last three years. I struggled with that need for a long time, mostly because I was defined by my focus and my drive all through high school, but I need that emotional and social element. I need to be reminded that what I'm doing isn't just for abstractions, and I need to be reminded that even though a lot of things are really fucking terrible in this world, a few things are still pretty okay. Despite all the horrors of capitalism and systemic poverty and dysfunction in politics, there are still a few pockets where the indomitable human spirit thrives. Maybe it's in the form of white girls dancing at a party or people playing beer pong or just having a nice talk with your best friend while you walk home a little bit drunk on life and love, but that's okay. I need that.

Tune in for the weekend, where I talk about my stupid conference and my damn paper and also THRONES!!!!!!

Thanks for reading :)

In Which I Engage With the World

Thursday 9 April

Okay, I'm officially catching up on all of this TODAY because I'm done with EVERYTHING. HA HA HA.

Thursday began really early, surprisingly, and I made the poor life choice of wearing high heels to campus. Hills are really hard to walk up when you're wearing three inch wedges, and they're more difficult in stilettos. This has been a public service announcement.

Middle East Politics was spent in a haze regarding a debate over whether or not to launch a calculated airstrike on Iran to destroy their nuclear program, which left me on the side of a very firm "no" opinion. I was sitting next to this poor Persian girl, and she was fucking livid about what our opponents were saying, mostly because it was poorly researched and everyone was trying to be all "rhetorical" and whatnot and didn't focus on the fact that a strike by the United States would cause a fucking war, for chrissakes. It was hard to watch. Like I said, politics has real impacts, people.

Anyway. I then walked over to Macky Auditorium, where I was hit in the face by the Russian flag, the Italian flag, and the Irish flag when they were blowing in the wind, so that was fun. I attended my last CWA panel entitled "Nukes in Unstable Regimes," and it was amazing. One of the panelists was Valerie Plame Wilson, the CIA operative who was illegally burned when her name was leaked to journalists back in 2003 and led to the Scooter Libby Trial of 2005. She's like the coolest and I was fangirling in the audience like a loser.

They started the panel by saying "I doubt many of you woke up this morning and thought about nuclear weapons," which was pretty inaccurate given the fact that I actually did wake up thinking about nuclear weapons. It happens about once a week. They said it was one of the truly global issues that the earth faces, and should be given more thought than it's awarded, and that was pretty interesting to hear. Their presentation was spectacular and it was super nice to hear from experts the fact that war with Iran over this situation is irrational. Also, in order to get this deal with Iran to work out, "the do-nothing Congress actually has to do nothing" and that's fucking scary because the only certainty about American politics lately is its total uncertainty.

Anyway. It's a fun time to be a political science student, kids!

After that, I headed to my Norlin class, where we learned about development from NGO's from Ben, which was really cool and super well done, and then I talked about Edward Snowden and the USA PATRIOT Act. Watch John Oliver's piece because he explains it far better than I can, plus he gets to talk to Edward fucking Snowden, which I think I might actually kill for given the chance.

I also just want to mention that the USA PATRIOT Act was indeed passed through the House, Senate, and signed into law by George W. Bush in only three days. That's right. It was introduced on October 23, 2001, and became law on October 26, 2001. That's nothing short of remarkable, and that's also honestly fucking terrifying, because there were a lot of really troubling things in this bill that were not addressed at all and received hardly any pushback. Today, we're feeling these ramifications.

It was also really surprising to me that not many people knew who Edward Snowden was. Politics is my life, and I know that I care about a lot of really obscure things that literally nobody else does (DSMs in Trade Agreements!!! I'm one of four people that get really jazzed about this!!!), but this in particular is pretty far-reaching in its effects, you guys. Like really. The government is watching you. This is something that people should be concerned about, and the amount of apathy or ignorance is frightening. I know you all don't want to end up like me shouting bitter things about nukes in a bar on a Thursday night (just wait for it) or not giving a shit about keeping up with the Kardashians because the Clintons are so much better, but it's not going to kill you to engage with this world a little bit. Hell, you're the only thing that has the potential to change this terribly broken system and get these crucial issues out in the open. Please. I'm begging you.

The USA PATRIOT Act is up for renewal on June 1, and I encourage you to call your senators and representatives if it troubles you and talk to them about it. Do it. Please. You're the fount of authority in this nation. Please be very mindful of that responsibility. That's all I'm asking for.

I came home and hung out with the roomies for awhile, where we went to Good Times and talked about life, and then we watched the HBO documentary on Scientology Going Clear, which Holy Shit is about what I have to say about that. I was profoundly disturbed. I was aware of the fraud and the blatant exploitation of their congregation, but I hadn't heard about the harassment or the alienation of the people that have spoken out about the Church's practices. I don't like the lack of transparency about their beliefs or about what they truly do, and I don't like how it quenches questioning or investigation of any kind. That's scary for me. That's not okay. I'd recommend it for sure, but not if you want to have a good time afterward. I was pretty nihilistic for the rest of the day.

Anyway. I hung out in the library for awhile and fine-tuned my presentation and read about African regionalism, and then I met the Drinking Buddies Connor, Joe, and Dani at the Rio for Marg Night, and it was spectacular. Bongi met us out, which was rad, and we spent the evening drinking margaritas, talking about Thrones (where I shouted a little about Cersei, sorry you have to put up with my shit guys), talking about nukes (where I shouted a little about Iran, sorry you have to put up with my shit, guys), dancing the night away at both Absinthe House and the Downer (thanks for all the drinks, Connor), and ultimately wandering home repressing my feelings of awkwardness and shouting about how much I fucking love my problematic fave America. I am going to make a great president someday.

Actually Me After 4 Drinks

Anyway. So that was Thursday, engaging with the world and talking about life in general with people I really like. I encourage you to do the same, because it's a real stress-reliever. 10/10 always recommend.

Thanks for reading :)

Mantras and Abstractions

Wednesday 8 April

So I'm sorry these are so late, this week has literally been hell and I don't know what I've been doing other than a lot about trade and less about everything else, which is problematic.

Dragged myself out of bed to work more on rigid rotors in Quantum, which I know super well from Lab. Hooray synergy (is that how you use that word? Whatever.)! Water and Soil Chem was less fun talking about carbonate systems and ocean sediments, but I learned exactly what I needed for the quiz on Friday. Woot.

After that class let out late, I booked it over to the UMC, where I attended a panel for CWA called "Should I Stay or Should I Go? Scotland, Northern Ireland, the UK and the EU" which was really good and full of people with wonderful beautiful accents. My professor actually moderated and forced me to come up and join the rest of the students and not isolate in the back. I met a wonderful woman that grew up in Scotland and moved to the US in her 20's, who was so sweet and really interested in my brief foray into the world of nationalist politics. I can be what is described as "charming" if I try to not actively despise everyone.

Anyway, I was really expecting more about the interplay between the UK's regionalism and EU regionalism, and found myself thinking that I was almost disappointed about the fact that it was mostly very personal stories about the Scottish referendum and the national feeling there.

It was then that I was like, "Wow, Mags, you have officially forgotten why you got into politics in the first place, which is to make people's lives better and care about people over policy. You're going to be a great congresswoman." Because even though I adore thinking about institutions and democracy and policy, it gets really hard to remember that all of those things have a real impact on people's lives. It's really very heartbreaking to realize that a seven on the Freedom House measure of autocracy means that someone lives under a brutal regime. Maybe that's why we block it out. It's really hard to go on when you start thinking about the individual unit of analysis versus the systemic unit.

I have to remember that, however. I get caught up in abstractions, which is why I'm a hella rad academic but not honestly the greatest human being. Smack me on the head if I start forgetting again.

Anyway. Read about SADC while I printed off a lab on electronics, which confused the guy sitting next to me to say the least. My life doesn't make sense, this has been proven.

We talked about African regionalism in Europe and the International System, which, Spoiler Alert, is a giant mess and the best example of decoupling (institutions that are there but completely ineffective) there is in the world. It's not a good time, and honestly kind of resembles a neocolonial and almost paternalistic attitude toward foreign policy, which is a hard thing to discuss.

Good times in politics, kids, are very few and far between.

Lab was pretty rad, Randall and I built some great circuits and learned how to math for voltage differences. We then built a polarity circuit with some LED's and then made a binary counter, which was really cool. I forgot how fun chemistry could be without the stress of a 20 page lab report looming at the end. Process over product, kids. It needs to be a mantra.

I came home, ate some pizza, and read about Iran's nuclear program, which put me in a grand mood for three hours of orchestra (come to our concert! April 21! It's pretty and mostly Russian with that song that we always had to do fucking arabesque penchées to in ballet class! Music! Not PTSD! Yes!).

Spent two hours in the library after that panicking about my presentation and also reading about Iranian nuclear programs. It's a good time to be a stupid procrastinating problematic high achiever, believe me. Walked home, had a mild panic attack in stress, suppressed it so that's healthy, and watched the John Oliver interview with Edward Snowden, which was fucking hilarious and that cheered me up.

Anyway. I repeat a lot of mantras in my head which represent some assumptions that may or may not be true, and it's really scary to start to think about those assumptions breaking down. Things like "You're going to be fine" keep me going, and when you start to think about the alternative "You might not be okay" (which is always very, very real if my life experiences have taught me anything), it's panic inducing. That's another thing I deal with a lot—fear that primary assumptions will break down and I will be forced to confront a painful alternative. Maybe it's a product of being in policy research and thinking about possible failures and alternative options, or maybe it's because I hang out with a lot of pragmatic engineers and scientists. I don't know.

Anyway, I'm tired. Welcome to my tired rants about hypotheticals. Help would be appreciated.

Thanks for reading :)

In Which I Deal With Some Nerd Rage

Tuesday 7 April

Well this is sort of a disaster but I have a remarkable memory so let's review what happened on Tuesday:

Woke up, showered, and went to Middle East Politics, where we finished up the Arab Spring and started talking about ISIS, which was just really great. The last part of the Arab Spring was about Syria and the fact that the Hafez al Assad regime leveled the town of Hama in the early 1980's because it was sheltering members of the Muslim Brotherhood, who opposed his autocratic regime. Nobody knows exactly how many civilians died, and it's heartbreaking. We also talked about Hafez's son Bashir , who has allegedly used chemical weapons on his own people to quell dissent about his autocratic regime.

I get pretty riled up about chemical weapons, which isn't surprising because I'm a chemist in my spare time and it horrifies me when people use that beautiful power for evil. It's bullshit. Don't you dare weaponize science, especially science that I'm involved in. It just pisses me off, and it's awful that anyone would use something so fucking beautiful against humanity in general.

ISIS is another can of worms, and I'm pretty sure that they're more of a threat to the West not because of their extremist, apocalyptic perversion of Islam (I also get pretty riled up about that tbh) but because they present the greatest threat to the Westphalian state system in the modern age, and that fucking scares people. Then again, that's a fine line between geopolitics and religion, and I walk that line a lot more than I'm proud to say. It's frustrating. But I chose this, so I'll walk alone.

I then had a break and had some Chex Mix and a Twix bar to calm myself down.

After that, I headed to CWA again for my Norlin class, where we went to a panel called "Kickass Career Advice: Skills to Build NOW" because we talk a lot about professions and the constructions surrounding our fields and it's a good time. Whatever.

The panel was pretty fucking awful tbh, and was mostly a bunch of sexist and slightly misogynistic comments on the business world. It was a mess. Literally, one piece of advice was "marry rich or have a rich daddy if you want to pursue your passion," which really pissed me off and I was not a happy camper in the slightest leaving that session of CWA. *frustrated stamping*

I was pretty motivated, then, to end up meeting with Kim Lee and learning how to do data analysis on STATA, which is a beautiful stats program and I'm totally into it. Anyway. It's fun. Kim Lee put together the single greatest dataset I've ever seen, and I owe him literally like half of my stipend this semester because he's amazing and likes trade probably more than I do.

Yeah. Then I decided to take a break and reheated some pizza, and the Paige and I watched Thrones, which was S4E3 "Breaker of Chains," which I'm REALLY STILL NOT OK WITH LIKE REALLY I STILL DON'T UNDERSTAND THAT FUCKING SEPT SCENE. NOT COOL, GUYS. IT WAS RAPE. I'LL DEFEND CERSEI AND JAIME TO THE DAY I DIE AND THAT SCENE DOESN'T MAKE IT EASIER. FEEL MY NERD RAAAAGE.

NERD RAAAGE

I'm fine. I'm Game of Thrones trash, but I'm fine.

Then I spent five hours in the library because I'm really cool and I'm usually motivated by rage to do things. I deal with a lot of rage a lot of the time—rage about the political situations, rage about gender inequality, rage about the state of the third world, rage about chemical weapons, rage about the proliferation of ideology, rage about the use of science to kill people, rage about the treatment of Cersei Lannister in Season 4 and Catelyn Stark in Season 2, rage about my sister's disease, rage about my family's situation, rage about the fact that I'm too busy most of the time to enjoy the moments that I have with people that I like. I am very angry about a lot of things a lot of the time. I'm good at hiding it. It's like the top of a volcano—I present this image of this stoic ice peak, but underneath, there is magma, and it burns slowly and persistently. It is unlikely that I'll ever explode. But it's still there.

Rage is not pretty, but it makes me fucking productive, which is kind of ok to deal with.

Anyway. Walked home at midnight and ended up falling asleep watching 30 Rock, because I deserved it. I really did.

I hope to catch up on the blog soonish, but alas, it's Marg Night and I'm still in the library doing a presentation. We'll see how this goes.

Thanks for reading :)