Feel the Bern: My Thoughts on Sanders 2016

Friday 26 June

Hey friends. Guess what it's early election season and I'm procrastinating my honors thesis, so you get whatever the hell this is hooray it's better than Thrones nerd rage.

Here's a quick disclaimer: I'm a staunch Democrat. I've been one since I was nine (the Iraq War really did a number on me), so it's pretty engrained in my psyche. The political climate I was brought up in doesn't help this—it's polarizing, and I'm sorry. This post will be biased. I get if you don't want to be friends with me or whatever, but just remember that I love politics more than cheese, and I'll always listen to what you have to say, even if we disagree. That's my favorite part of this stupid discipline I'm signing my life away to. I'd be excited to engage in a healthy debate with you—just don't spam my damn Facebook wall or follow me around saying, "Shame, shame, shame," and ringing a bell like that septa from Game of Thrones.

My Life In Politics

Okay. Disclaimer over.

So on Saturday evening, I had the absolute privilege to head down to Denver with one of my poli sci friends (because my main politics hoe is in Europe thanks Dani) and watch Bernie Sanders talk about his plan for America.

Now, when Bernie announced that he was running, I was a little skeptical (mostly because Hillary Clinton is bae and one of my favorite problematic people on this planet). I didn't give him much thought, especially because he is super against PACs which make up most of the campaign finance in this country and running a grassroots campaign is incredibly difficult in this day and age thanks to fucking Citizens United v. FEC (*throws self out window* Like guys I hate this decision almost as much as Plessey v. Ferguson or Civil Rights Cases (1886) it's the worst). I thought the nomination for Hillary was pretty uncontested.

Now, I'm not so sure.

Granted, campaign rallies are basically just propaganda and rhetoric with few actual policy proposals. They aren't a foolproof guarantee of how the candidate will perform in office because of a stagnant Congress and a problematic political climate in America. It's not supposed to be a sticking set of proposals—rallies exist to get you to funnel money at a candidate. There's nothing to lose. It's probably why I get so excited about them. Like, a candidate can just espouse ideology without fear of pushback because the policy doesn't exist yet. I love words and rhetoric and American ideals, so it's really fucking fun. Go to a campaign rally if you're ever sad about American politics and you'll leave with some merch and a spring in your step. 10/10 always recommend.

Precious Cinnamon Roll Too Good,
Too Pure for America

Anyway. There was a huge turnout for Bernie on Saturday. Over 5,000 people RSVP'd, and we filled up the entire DU gymnasium, down to standing room only. People were sitting outside on the lax field and watching him on a giant screen. It was impressive.

I left feeling predictably excited and briefly convinced that hey, maybe there are decent people left in this world after all.

Bernie Sanders is a candidate that runs on a cause. His campaign is never about Bernie, it's about the issues. His campaign is never about the fact that he's an Independent senator running in the Democratic party, it's never about his years in Congress, it's never about him. It's about you.

The Sanders campaign tackles the issues we face every day as Americans—it's about the income and wealth gap, it's about jobs and putting you back to work, it's about women getting access to contraception, it's about people getting to love who they love without legal pushbacks, it's about homeless youth, it's about getting you a living wage, it's about affordable healthcare for all, it's about ending mass incarceration of African Americans, it's about climate change, it's about campaign finance reform, and it's about America being great again, because everyone in this country deserves a fighting chance. It's about you. Individual Americans. And that's remarkable. The only thing I disagreed with him on was trade policies, because he's not super into the whole trade liberalization thing which is my fucking jam (which is my blessing and my curse as an international political economy nerd).

Bernie Sanders is basically everything I've ever wanted in a candidate. He talks about issues that aren't ever brought up, his whole campaign is grassroots funded, he has a solid platform that I really support, and he has kind of a plan for all the policy directives he wants to implement. Listening to him talk was very self-indulgent of me, because for a couple of minutes I got to really believe in something again. For a couple of minutes, I was like "Hey, maybe something good can work. Maybe this won't suck."

I'm not sure when I became so pessimistic about politics. I love America and its politics so much, and you'd think that I could get super optimistic about shit that I care about deeply. I think that's part of it—if something means a lot to me, I'm going to assume the worst. It's better to assume too little and be stoked that things don't totally suck than it is to have your hopes high and get them crushed. Which is why that while I love everything that Bernie Sanders is proposing, I don't know if it's actually going to work in this climate, and that breaks my crooked heart.

I want to believe in a candidate like Bernie Sanders. I want to jump on his campaign and donate some of my Kroger stock to him. I want him to be president, and I want his policies to get full approval (except I would like to try and convince him otherwise on the trade stuff tbh). I would excrete a sizable chunk of masonry if that happened. I really think it would make this country that I love more than anything else in this universe a better place. But I don't know if I can, because it seems too optimistic for someone like me. Ultimately, I don't know what to think. I'm a lot like Dana Scully—I want to believe, I'm just not sure if I can.

The takeaway from this rambling political post from yours truly is that there is an enormous amount of good in the Sanders campaign. Even if he doesn't win the nomination, Bernie Sanders is important and is a force to be reckoned with. Bernie taking this incredible leap of faith with the American people means that he gets voters talking about marginalized issues and presents a viable alternative to the conventional wisdom and tired old conversations—if one person on the ticket talks about these things in a debate, everyone else will be forced to bring their ideas to the table. And by debate season, if the American public is still interested, it's going to be damn hard brush a tidal wave of voices calling for answers off with some fancy rhetoric.

Bernie Sanders also does a damn good job in convincing even a cynic like me that I deserve someone that will fight for me. All of you do, my fellow Americans. You deserve someone that puts you first. That's what a good elected official is supposed to do. You deserve someone that will try and tackle the issues that are rarely talked about but present deep and problematic divisions instead of the tired old party politics. You deserve someone that will actually fight for liberty and justice for all. Whether you vote for Bernie Sanders or Hillary Clinton or Jeb Bush or Rand Paul or me in seventeen years (Rose 2032!), you deserve that, above anything else, from your choice or candidate. You have so much power in this republic, and you deserve people in office that will respect that. Remember that moving forward.

So yeah. Moving forward I want to try and get to as many rallies as possible before primary season begins—living in Colorado, a swing state, we're going to get a lot of people coming through, and that at least excites me. If you want to go or hear of stuff let me know and I can be ambivalent unlike your candidates that will stand for things that matter (I will stop being Kierkegaard's worst nightmare by 2032 don't worry).

Yeah. Democracy. Changing the world. The ultimate problematic fave America. Life is grand, folks.

Thanks for reading :)

Nerd Rage: Sansa Stark Edition

Tuesday 19 May


OKAY KIDS SIT YOUR ASSES DOWN CAUSE THIS BLOG IS GOING TO BE A WILD RIDE FROM START TO FINISH. I AM CURRENTLY AN UNEMPLOYED, ANXIETY-FUELED BALL OF NERD RAGE AND SEXUAL FRUSTRATION, SO HERE COMES ALL THAT RAGE, THANK YOU GAME OF THRONES AND A PROBABLY TORN MENISCUS.

So, you guys know how much I love Game of Thrones. Like, I fucking love Game of Thrones. This show was integral to recovering my self-worth throughout my sophomore year, and watching and then reading this series was truly an epistemically transformative experience. I'm not the same person that I was in October 2013. It means a lot to me. I'm so happy that there exists a series that fuses magic AND politics and has problematic female leads (talk shit about Cersei Lannister to me and I will cut you) and also subverts fantasy tropes and has SO MANY FEMALE CHARACTERS (I'm looking at you, LOTR, like really Tolkien do you actually hate women?) and more generally so many damned good and flawed and deep characters that I care about a lot. I finished Harry Potter back in the day and thought that I probably could never get more invested in a series than I was in that.

I was wrong. Nowadays, I care mostly about politics, cheese, hiking, and Lannisters.

I Made a Margaery Tyrell Costume By Hand
I'm Not Fucking Around

I started Season Five with all my friends and I was SO EXCITED—despite the fact that my beloved Dorne storyline has been perverted (probably another subject for another post) and left a bad, bad taste in my mouth, I was at worst mildly peeved. The characterization of Loras Tyrell gets to me, as do the inconsistencies with Jaime Lannister, but this season was going SO WELL. All of the episodes have been really quite strong thematically, the lore and worldbuilding that's being done is super exciting (Volantis!!! The Tourney at Harrenhall!!! Greyscale!!! R+L=J!!!! Hell, we even got to see Valyria!!), LANNISTERS ARE EVERYWHERE, and all of the actors are performing spectacularly and are a genuine pleasure to watch (even with the same old monologues we've heard since season 3)—there are hints of Anne Boleyn in Natalie Dormer's performance of Marg and that pleases me especially.

I was pleasantly surprised—last season left me kind of bitter with the altar scene debacle with the Lannister twins, the continued deviations from the books, and I went fucking bananas after Lady Stoneheart failed to appear. It seemed like I could enjoy the show and not have to worry about the inconsistencies between show and book and I was having a damn good time with it.

And then Sunday happened. And this show I love broke my crooked heart.

Nothing with Ramsay Snow-Bolton is ever okay. I get that. Jeyne Poole's storyline in A Dance With Dragons is horrifying, and it's arguably the worst part of the book. It beats the cannibalism by a long shot. I didn't think that the show would portray that, given the Harrenhall changes to Arya in Season 2. I was hoping they'd cut it altogether and maybe have like Theon save Shireen to gain back his agency or something, and that Sansa's biggest threat would be Petyr Baelish in the Vale.

But by episode two, it became abundantly clear that they were going to put Sansa Stark in Jeyne Poole's place. At this point, I was more worried for Sansa Stark than I was for my five finals. With all the actors talking about some "traumatic scene," my hopes were not high, and with the final scene of this episode all the excitement I had was fucking crushed.

The rape of Sansa Stark is something that I am not willing to forgive. It strips her of all the agency she gained by the end of last season; hell, it strips her of the agency that she gained this episode when she told Myranda to fuck off because Winterfell is her home and she isn't afraid. Pursuing this storyline at all for Sansa Stark means that they cut out all of the growth and rich development that she undergoes in the Vale as Alayne Stone, and replaces it with this shit. Something awful was bound to happen to her, because she's in an enemy camp and she's just married another one of the sadists in the Game of Thrones universe. But the writers didn't have to write this of all things for her.

I didn't think they would rape Sansa Stark. Sansa Stark, who is fourteen at the oldest using a barely legal actress. What the everloving fuck. It's been argued that this rape is treated with the gravity it deserves, but that doesn't make it okay. At all. After last season, when they most unceremoniously shat upon the character development of both the Lannister twins (the ultimate blonde problematic faves) in that godawful sept scene and the fan backlash that resulted from that, I didn't think they would rape Sansa Stark and probably mishandle the aftermath just like they did last season.

I especially thought they wouldn't rape Sansa Stark just to more fully lead to the development of male character Theon Greyjoy. Granted, Theon's storyline isn't good either. But did Sansa Stark's rape have to be the impetus for him to develop? Is that the worst pain that they can inflict upon a man? Did they really have to rape Sansa Stark? OF COURSE NOT. I AM LIVID. LIVID.

I am tired of watching you abuse female characters, Game of Thrones. I am sick and tired of having female characters raped and abused just to develop storylines that can be handled in less sexualized ways. I am tired of having rape and violence against women used as a plot device. I am tired of seeing rape used as a shock factor to make an already gritty show so much worse. I am tired of seeing violence against and the rape of women that have so much more to offer (and should matter on its own) being used to further the development of male characters. I am tired of hearing "it could have been worse," "it was a choice," and "she'll have to get through it" when it comes to rape on TV and on film.

You can't keep perpetuating abuse and violence and rape in a show like this that's so near and dear to people, and then be shocked when they are desensitized to the very real and salient issues of rape and sexual assault. I know that it's probably not an epidemic, but it hardly shines a light into the dark void of a society that already has problems respecting the autonomy that each individual has over their body. It's not a matter to be taken lightly. I am sick and tired of having to watch shit like this over and over on a show that I love when it doesn't add a goddamn thing to the story except for man pain. I'm tired of it. I'm tired of having to explain why I'm tired of it and why I'm still so profoundly bothered and consistently negatively affected by it whenever it comes up in media. This matters. Especially to me.

I'm one angry fan, and I'm sure that most people will say that I'm overreacting and that it's not that big of a deal because it's a fucking TV show, but the more I thought about it the angrier I got and I had to say something. I don't get angry unless it's election season or the United States makes a monumentally stupid policy directive, so this is pretty exceptional. This is something that matters to me on a very personal level and I've been pretty quiet about it for awhile—but lately this thing that matters to me also has started to matter to a lot of other people and that's really encouraging.

I also probably tore my goddamn meniscus walking in the fucking rain and almost everyone I know is in Europe or working right now, so I don't have anything else to do since I can't hike or converse with people or do other assorted nerd things. Life is hard as an unemployed research nerd, believe me.

Thank you for reading. Really. Thank you. :)

PS: I'll do an April recap soon, I just don't know when. Things got ridiculous at the end of this year and I'm trying to get my shit together.

Sometimes I Know Exactly What I'm Doing

Friday 17 April

Surprisingly enough, Friday morning had me waking up without an alarm very early. I even got to watch an episode of 30 Rock before class. What a day.

Started off the day with some more about thermally populated states in Quantum, and then we moved on to something about partition functions, which merges quantum mechanics with thermodynamics so yaay synergy (is that how you use that word? whatever). It's interesting, albeit super confusing, but I'll take it. Water and soil chemistry had us talking some more about coordination complexes, which was a little dry but it's infinitely better than carbonate systems so I'm okay with that. After that, I hung out in the library and read about Mercosur, and the paper mentioned DSMs so I was stoked.

I need to get a life.

Anyway, Europe in the International System was grand because we were talking about Mercosur and also how European influence happens across regions. I totally nailed the quiz because I've got this regionalism shit on lockdown. Sometimes I know exactly what I'm doing.

I also woke up to a text on Friday morning that said, "pay christ 4 marg," which translated from drunk-me means, "Pay Crissie back for the margarita she bought you." So I went over to Norlin and had a lovely chat with my best friend, where we looked at shoes and cats and talked about boyfriends and life and the fact that she's graduating and how I can't fucking handle that, because even after all the crap we've put each other through, I still need her a lot. She's one of my favorite people to talk to even after eight (almost nine, holy shit) years of endless conversations and even though we're as different as the sun and moon when it comes to our constitutions, but I love that about us. She's always the Clark to my Lewis, and even though the Sacagaweas change through the years, we're still us, and we'll still have too many adventures that don't make any sense and we'll be there for each other when things are good and bad and downright ugly. I love that girl, suffice it to say.

Then I went home, ate the rest of my damn queso, and took a brief nap. Then, Evan asked me if I wanted to grab dinner with his mom and I said yes (?) (like honestly I've never really made it this far in a real relationship this was a big deal and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't panicking). I took a ridiculously fast shower, and then ended up getting ready in ten minutes. I looked like a real person and everything. Weird. That never happens, tbh.

We then had dinner with the lovely Nan Eller, whom I met in the capacity of being "Evan's girlfriend" and not "that slightly unbalanced looking girl that rambled about quantum mechanics at graduation," and that was a really good time. I was once described as "charming," and so I tried not to be awkward, which was easier than usual. Those two made it easy, for which I am eternally grateful.

I got my life sort of together, and then drove back over to UV, where we watched hockey (I think I'm kind of starting to enjoy it, which is troubling to say the least) and drank a beer. We then went to the store and bought soda because I am incapable of taking shots at all (getting too old for this shit tbh), and then I made a big girl drink (I'm kidding it was definitely a Red Bull Vodka), and then put on my Swedish clothes and headed out with the squad to Brett's Swedish Themed Party. Ja!

An Overstatement of my Mindset

Anyway. Somehow I ended up holding three beers at once and subsequently drinking said beers, which is where my life is apparently headed. College, kids. One second you're having an informed discussion about the Republican candidates for President, the next you're drinking three PBRs at once. Life gets weird, tbh. You still get that wondrous duality, though. Sometimes it gets old, but sometimes it's not awful.

Socializing. Ja!

We then caught an Uber home, which was pretty great even though we definitely had more people than was allowed. Don't drive or bike drunk, kids! Take an Uber! And do it late at night, the fares decrease exponentially! Stay hydrated! Make good choices! (says the living train wreck)

So yeah, that's all I have for April. I'll follow up soon, sorry, things got insane and I slacked off and watched too much 30 Rock and slept too much and socialized with too many people.

Having a life? Me? What?

Thanks for reading :)

Roll With It

Thursday 16 April

Fun fact: Winter is always coming. The Starks are sometimes more correct than the Lannisters. You will never hear me say that again, so enjoy it.

Woke up and drove home as the snow was beginning to fall, then took a shower AND finished a paper on the nukes panel I went to. I was more productive by eight AM than I ever have been. It was impressive tbh.

Made a poor footwear choice and didn't waterproof the boots, and so I was substantially more grumpy when I rolled into Middle East Politics than I usually am when it snows (I love the cold. I love the snow. It needs to be winter ALWAYS). However, that was negated because Greg talked about the Turkish Protests of 2k13, and that was freaking awesome. I got the same talk last year in Revolutions and Political Violence, and that was the single light on one Tuesday when I hated O-Chem and also my life. Thanks, Greg. I may have dozed off at the end because of a severe caffeine deficit, but whatever. I have the notes I took last year. Good enough.

Anyway. Then I did some footnoting on my paper and read about improv on my break, and then I headed to my Norlin class, where we got to do improv with Katy Craig, aka the messenger for my failed Boettcher Scholarship endeavor. I expected to hate it, because I'm me. I hate spontaneity and am remarkably bad at thinking on my feet and articulating coherently and also being clever in a specific instant. I almost called in sick.

However, like a lot of things lately, I was pleasantly surprised.

We started with a few games, and then we did some scenes, and then a couple of activities where we were paired off and in teams. Most of it had to do with getting comfortable with the group we were in, which was pretty easy because my group is hella chill. I haven't laughed that hard in a long time during a class. I love it. However, the bigger takeaway was that the games all had to do with relinquishing control—you couldn't talk during some of them, sometimes you had to agree with everything another person said, and vice versa, and sometimes the control of your arms was taken away. You lost some degree of autonomy, which was also pretty paralyzing for someone like me.

It was a lot of fun, however. I loved the way that you had to adapt to a situation or go with a flow, and there were a lot more interpersonal dynamics that I didn't know I had the ability to read, and this brought it out a little bit. If you're given even a little bit of direction or a constraint, it becomes a lot easier to create. Apparently, businesses are using it as strategies for innovation, which I found mind-boggling at first, but it became easier to sit with that idea.

Because it's true. You have to relinquish some control over every outcome, and you have to learn to adapt to different situations, and you have to create within certain parameters.

I'm not going to be the next Tina Fey, but I did learn that I didn't hate improv. You've got to roll with it. If you're interested, the troupe is the Bovine Metropolis Theater, so if you want to like go to a show or take a class or whatever, let me know, and I may be up for it depending on the time and the project constraints.

Anyway. Then I went home and watched Tina Fey in 30 Rock (I have a problem) and took a two hour nap because I am a responsible adult.

I woke up ready for a night in from the cold and the snow and basically ready for this:

Lemon Understands

When I woke up that I was craving queso, and so I decided to order in chile con queso from the Rio because it is literally the greatest queso I've ever had. I eat a lot of cheese, so that statement is a Big Deal. So I was waiting for that wrapped in my blanket, and literally FOUR SECONDS AFTER I PLACED MY ORDER Joe was like "When are we meeting?" and I was like "Are you fucking kidding me?" but acquiesced to have them come over. We were watching Skyfall and I was stuffing cheese in my face when Joe and Connor arrived, and I felt like a nerd. Welcome to my life.

Then I put on real pants (THE THINGS I DO TO SOCIALIZE) and we headed out into the cold to the Rio (where, if you'll recall, I'd just ordered queso from). It was bro night for us, and so naturally we talked about climate change and population growth because we're socially conscientious. This is why I hang out with nerds. We also met some of Connor's friends, and then complained about chemistry. Crissie was also there, and so I went and hung out with her and Lindsey and Crissie's Boy Adam, who is a character and knew more people at the bar than Crissie did. It was nothing short of remarkable. We left by 11:15 and I was in bed by midnight after getting so drunk that I had to go off on Joe when he mentioned Cersei Lannister. What a world we live in.

Anyway. The latter part of my day was in fact an application of the first part—this doesn't happen unless it's in like Sex and the City or something, and plot points are meticulously crafted. BUT HEY LOOK IT'S HAPPENING IN MY LIFE NO I'M DEFINITELY NOT A CARRIE.

You have to roll with it. That's what I learned. You have to say yes to opportunities that come up, and you have to take the plunge no matter what. There will always be days for Night Cheese, but sometimes you have to go out for Marg Night. Sometimes, you have to say yes. I understand that saying "no" is also healthy, and I respect that more than anything. But once in awhile, you do something different and unexpected if the opportunity presents itself. I've been getting marginally better at this in the last year, and it's literally changed my life—going to Marg Night, participating in improv day, participating in class; these are marginal benefits that have made me less of an angry cynic. As much fun as being an angry cynic is, sometimes it's nice to feel alright.

So next time the opportunity presents itself, roll with it. Maybe something good can work.

Thanks for reading :)

False Summits

Wednesday 15 April

This was the day that I have predicted that the world will truly come to an end, because the RMS Titanic finished sinking in 1912, Abraham Lincoln was pronounced dead in 1865, and it's Tax Day. These are surely harbingers of doom.

I was certainly hoping for a doomsday scenario when I woke up considering the amount of work that I had to get done by Wednesday, and that was pretty well founded. The damn planet kept turning, though. I woke up early and read about carbonate systems, and then headed over to Quantum Mechanics, where I had an exam on statistical mechanics, which isn't quite as bad as it sounds tbh. Good times.

Then I went to Water and Soil Chemistry and bemoaned the fact that I finished another exam 10 minutes before I came to class in a futile attempt to move that exam to Friday; there was, however, no cigar. That test was pretty brutal. I still hate buffers from the depths of my being.

Took a break and bought myself some candy because I fucking deserved it after a double header chemistry exam binge—I do not recommend that to anyone. This has been a public service announcement from future president Maggie Rose. Anyway. Ended up reading about the Andean Pact and regionalism in North America, which wasn't quite as fun as it could have been.

Europe and the International System was pretty radical, though. Jupille asked if there were any domestic reasons that a country would sign onto a regional agreement, and I was like "LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT DOMESTIC INSTITUTIONS NERDS," so that was a helluva mic drop on my part. I was mostly fucking stoked because hey, 12 more people get to care about DSMs in PTAs!

I Haven't Seen Much of This Show But I'm P. Sure
Annie Is My Spirit Animal

I am literally the coolest person I promise.

After that, I headed to lab, where I successfully wrote programming code. I'll add it to the resume. We also worked with a microcontroller that was called the "Board of Education" and I actually lost my shit laughing for ten minutes. I am very tired. Do not judge me.

Then I came home and watched 30 Rock because I deserved it after a long day of exams, and then I wrote half a paper. I then headed to orchestra and got some constructive procrastination and active leisure (I would advertise the concert but this is ex-post-facto so sorry. Long week, people). I love those 2.5 hours a week playing my bass. I didn't realize how necessary it was until I stopped playing the thing my freshman year, and now that it's back I don't really want to give it up again.

Anyway. Then I went to UV and got to hang out with the Boy and Company watching the Blackhawks game (THE THINGS I DO FOR LOVE) which actually turned out to be hella stressful even for a hockey novice. We then watched Modern Family. I was too tired to drive home (understandably) so I crashed there for the night. It was fucking great to see those kids mid-week instead of going five days between sightings. Contrary to popular belief, I do indeed need to have social contact with people, especially those that I'm in a relationship with. I'm bad at texting, and I prefer face-to-face contact over everything, and it's damn nice to talk about life and laugh at the "Board of Education" and just be with someone. I like that a lot.

I highly doubt, however, it'll become a norm, because it's the end of the semester when sleep is scarce and life is hell.

Days like these are honestly more like false summits than anything else—I always get this like high after I finish an exam and feel like it gives me license to like blow everything off and pretend that I don't have eight other assignments that I haven't started and will not finish. Like, you're not even close to being done with the climb, and that's frustrating because you still have a long-ass way to go. In hiking, they are more of a disappointment (I legitimately cried on Mt. Elbert when we kept running into them).

You never get anywhere, however, without a few moments to stop and catch your breath. Maybe that's the value in false summits—it's not the top, but it's a nice place to sit for awhile or take a nap (10/10 always recommend), and you can enjoy the view from where you are before you continue up the slope.   It's the only way you can keep going up the damn mountain without wanting to jump off the edge. You need a place to rest, and you need time to catch your breath. So enjoy those false summits.

Getting caught up I've got this!

Thanks for reading :)

Road to Nowhere

Tuesday 14 April

Happy last day until the end of the world!

Let's see. Last Tuesday Middle East Politics was cancelled, so I got to sleep in until 9:30, which made me dangerously awake for the rest of the day. My philosophy when classes get cancelled is that I'm not going to get any work done during that time period allotted to class anyway, so why the hell would I be productive when I don't have to be? So sleep it was, and then I did some reading about insider trading and also Marco Rubio (who also announced his candidacy and I just don't know how to feel about it—tbh I think it might be Romney 2.0 when the GOP takes a good candidate and drives them far too right to be a feasible option).

Anyway.

Took a leisurely stroll over to campus, bought a Rockstar and hid in the basement of the library reading "Reversal of Fortune," which it turns out wasn't actually due but fuck it YOLO. It stressed me out a lot, and so Norlin class was a lot worrisome, tbh.

We ended up talking about insider trading and how perceptions are most definitely distorted by wealth and status and how maybe it didn't even occur to Martha Stewart that what she was doing was a bad thing. Which is scary, and honestly with the way the case was presented I was pretty horrified that she was targeted in the way she was. I know for a fact that I have a bias against the wealthy—you don't work at a country club where they treat you like dirt for five years and escape without one. It's hard to see through that to see that they're still people like you with hopes and fears and dreams and are fallible. But you have to in order to build a more just world, which is problematic for me.

Anyway. Went home, watched some 30 Rock and ordered a pizza with my last $10, because it fed me for three days. Then Paige came home and we talked about our boyfriends and our classes and how done we are with school, and then I put pants back on and went to the library. I made a bomb study sheet for Quantum Mechanics, and then halfheartedly studied my Water Chem notes before I did my bibliography for my paper. Finished work at the library's closing time, and wandered home wondering how on earth people could actually party on a fucking Tuesday night.

So for my Norlin final project this year, I have to tell a digital story about my career trajectory and my hollow values that I may or may not compromise on depending on the situation, and I literally don't know where to start. I wrote a professional autobiography about how I almost got to play the Swan Queen but then I blew my knee out so that didn't get to happen, and I guess the lessons of duality you learn from the Swan Queen carry over into my dual roles as a politician and a scientist. It was a lot of rubbish, honestly.

I don't know. For the first time in my life, I have no idea where I'm headed. At all. I don't have a plan for the summer, I don't have a plan for graduate school, I don't have a plan for my career. And that's scary for someone like me, who's had her life planned out almost from the get-go. My only purpose throughout my childhood was to get into college, and now that I've done that, I don't know what to do. I'm sick of giving that answer, but it's the truth. I don't know what to do.

The dancer metaphor honestly seems very inauthentic, too, because that's not who I am anymore—I'm not the perfectionist, I don't jump when someone tells me to, I don't live my life for a single role. Granted, it's still a part of me—I look for rhythms and for patterns and for symmetry and aesthetics, but that isn't who I am. Which is also hard, because it was me for a long time. I guess I don't really know who I am, either. And it's ridiculous—I don't have to fit a single archetype, but now that I don't it's infinitely messier, and that's also frightening.

And somehow, it's okay. I'm learning how to live within this chaos of my life and my choices or lack thereof, and even though I may be on a road to nowhere, I'm having a damn good time with it. Despite everything, I'm okay. And that's something they'll never teach you in school, honestly.

On a roll, I'll be done soon.

Thanks for reading :)

Problematic High Achievers

Monday 13 April

HAPPY BIRTHDAY THOMAS JEFFERSON!! THANK YOU GOOGLE CALENDARS FOR THAT FUN FACT!!!

The Most Rad of Presidents

Anyway. Yesterday was kind of bullshit but whatever, I got a lot of stuff done.

Woke up later than intended, neglected my paper until I rolled in early for Quantum Mechanics, and did some review for the exam on Wednesday, which means it's time to panic yaaay. Then I walked over to Water and Soil Chemistry and finished learning about complexation and coordination chemistry according to my notes, which is nice because that is the only thing I remember from AP Chem, thanks Mrs. Anderson. A kid also managed to fall asleep, which was nothing short of remarkable because there were literally four students in the room. I love undergrads!

Then I read about regionalism in the Western Hemisphere, aka NAFTA and Mercosur my favourite regional trade agreements. After that, I did some research and footnoting about Mercosur and ASEAN (*frustrated stamping*). So that was my break.

After that, headed over to Europe and the International System, where the discussion we had about regionalism led to a major breakthrough with regards to the paper, and that was fucking great, because after that class I spent another hour in the library writing up the abstract and conclusion, and finished off the precursor to my honors thesis at 27 pages and 7,907 words of text about dispute settlement mechanisms. I am a scholar! I am good at things!

Me Doing Things

Then I took a three hour nap because I like to avoid my responsibilities (another paper, a lab, two exams) with sleeping to 30 Rock after eating pizza rolls.

After that, I tried halfheartedly to do work that's due but I have a hard time producing quality work without a lot of pressure behind me regarding deadlines. Welcome to the mind of a problematic high achiever, where it's either the crippling fear of failure, genuine laziness and apathy, or the knowledge that our best work is performed just before the buzzer sounds that makes us put things off until the last minute. Even we don't know why our brains work the way they do—I've conducted several intensive studies on the matter (by which I mean I talked to other nerds on Facebook that should have been writing their Poet Casebooks at four in the morning on the day they were due our senior year of high school and we all ended up getting 100% and "I can tell you put a lot of time into this." Yeah. Sure. We'll go with that). So I ended up watching 30 Rock and reading about Hillary.

I like high achievers a lot. I'm a little biased—we would always cause a little too much trouble when we'd get bored with watching Between the Lions in 2nd grade (I will always hold a huge grudge against Jeffco for consistently forcing me to watch that fucking crap. I KNEW WHAT A VERB WAS I WAS READING AND ANALYZING NANCY DREW AT AGE SEVEN OK). I'll always also have a huge bias against No Child Left Behind (of the three Rose kids, it's questionable that only Mason benefitted from that legislation, and 1/3 isn't exactly the success rate you want) because it doesn't let anyone do any more than the bare minimum. I hated that. I was stifled by it. I had a lot of good teachers that let me learn advanced math and read at a tenth grade level in fifth grade and put me on an ALP, but nobody really knew what to do with the kids that were straining at the leash.

AP and honors helped in high school. I could do what I wanted, when I wanted. I was challenged for the first time in my life. That was rad. I was excited to learn, because for once I could. I wasn't limited by my peers. There wasn't a glass ceiling that I had to bat against anymore.

Until there was.

That's when it starts. The "all these people are expecting me to know when the church split into Eastern Orthodox and Catholicism," the "just five more minutes of cramming for this test I know front and back and then I can sleep," the "I'll probably be fine with Sparknotes, but I'll read Heart of Darkness just in case," the "I can't fail because people don't expect me to."

Which is when it becomes problematic. Because you don't want to be that failure. You've always been too big to fail. You're the high achiever. You can't not achieve. That's not you.

And yeah, maybe I'm a little bit of a Type A and I thought expectations were higher than they actually were and maybe it's because I'm a girl and have to work harder to convince people that I am to be taken seriously. But that made me fucking miserable when I had to confront the fact that I could indeed fail. When you're in that role, you assume that even if you fail because you're a human and sometimes there's a little too much going on psychologically that can prevent you from doing quality work, it's stigmatized. You're bad. It's not right.

I guess what I'm saying is that nobody ever taught me that it was okay to fail and to not be good at something. And only after a couple of really traumatic experiences did I ever learn that, and that's unhealthy and I will be perpetually bitter about that.

It's okay to fail. There is nothing wrong with you just because you failed a test or didn't get the guy or didn't get into Yale. Repeat that, high achievers. It is perfectly fine to have your biggest accomplishment for the day be "getting out of bed" or "didn't burn my grilled cheese." Make me repeat that, because sometimes I forget it a lot.

Okay. Rant over.

I'm going to catch up on the blog I promise, though I'm over a week behind and have hella papers to write so it's questionable.

Thanks for reading :)